Husband doesn't believe me about porn

[fruitstick]

We are both late 40s and been together for 28 years. DH doesn't use porn (I do believe him about this)

We have a teenage son.

DH's attitude to porn very much based on Razzle and 70s underwear catalogues.

This morning I said that there were things is was shocked by that young people think normalised in sex that I would never consider.

I mentioned choking, and how this was now something that occurs that would never have done in the 90s.

He then was very patronising and said that wasn't true.

Can you find me some statistics on this without me having to Google 'choking during sex'

I think it would help to stop calling it choking for a start. It is strangling.

@YouAreNotBatman I think you're right, disturbing that individuals like this have placed themselves to educate children about sex. The Government are meant to be conducting an urgent review into sex and relationship education. They need to get a wiggle on.

I don't mind a bit of chocking

Choking*

Look up Cindy Gallop and Make Love Not Porn.

It’s a sex positive, feminist, anti porn campaign/ website. And Cindy Gallop is amazing.

I think porn has been as vile and degrading as it now for a very long time. Certainly in the 1990s there was choking and anal and eating poo (two girls one cup was particularly popular at one point, don’t google). I was 18 in 1998 and mixed with some very unsavoury characters - I worked in a rough south london pub and sharing porn vhs tapes was very common. There was nothing there that isn’t there today. The difference is it’s more easily accessible now. Anyone can log onto porn sites and watch stuff. Maybe that’s normalised it more. But it’s not been 70s bushes and making love in the missionary position for a very long time now, certainly not in my adult life time. (I say that as someone who has a full on bush and who absolutely fucking hates porn).

This. And going along with this I wish they’d stop calling indecent assault “flashing”. Very diminishing language.

I know this is going off topic a little but nothing wrong with kink in the bedroom as long as is consensual. And it's not strangling. It's choking 🙄

Yes, men have used sex as a tool of abusive misogyny throughout history. But for a brief period toward the end of last century it looked as though things might possibly have been improving.

Grown up enough to have opinions and conversations about pornography but not grown up enough to do own research to back up these opinions? Embarrassing

Are you sure he's not playing dumb and is trying to look as though he doesn't watch it?

I think that’s unfair. Not everyone wants to google choking in porn and be confronted with graphic stuff. It doesn’t mean you can’t be interested in discussing it.

If someone I was with got turned on by putting their hands round someone’s throat - even if it was consensual- I’d be thinking there was something seriously wrong with them.

Choking/strangling are pretty much synonyms.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-50546184

'A man tried to choke me during sex without warning'

Violence during consensual sex has become normalised, campaigners have warned.

It comes after more than a third of UK women under the age of 40 have experienced unwanted slapping, choking, gagging or spitting during consensual sex, research for BBC Radio 5 Live suggests.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-51967295

From that second link...

In the survey, 71% of the men who took part said they had slapped, choked, gagged or spat on their partner during consensual sex.

One-third (33%) of the men who had done this said they would not ask verbally whether their partner would like them to do it either before or during sexual activity.

More than half of the men (57%) who had said they had slapped, choked, gagged and spat on partners said pornography had influenced their desire to do so.

One in five (20%) said it had influenced them a "great deal".

I'm with you.

Depressing. 😔

Ok, not meaning to completely miss the point of the thread but OP has asked for others to assist in pulling together data on a topic which they apparently already have a fixed opinion on. Where is OP getting their info from that choking is newly prevelant in pornography if not by viewing it and/or doing research?

OP does not have to view the results in the images tab. If OP is so concerned about pornography and has children using the internet, they should have safesearch settings enabled via their internet provider - these are typically applied automatically and need to be opted out of. This would screen any graphic images anyway.

OP does not sound completely illiterate - surely they can drum up the initiative to Google “choking in pornography statistics” or “academic journal trends in pornography”.

Porn has absolutely changed since the 90s. Where you may have had to go looking for the more niche things in the good ole days, now they’re front and centre and they’re for everyone to see immediately.

Your husband needs to go online and look at porn.

He can do a Google search and see how many hits come up. Look at the titles of films. It won’t be cutesy, seaside type names. It will be “hardcore”, grim and not sexy in the slightest.

He really needs to do some research to see what porn has become. I used to like watching it about 10 years ago. Now, I wouldn’t even google it because I know I’d see something that was so horrendous it would stay with me. If he doesn’t want to/doesn’t think he needs to, you do and tell him exactly what you find.

It is “normal” these days for porn to show strangulation, spitting, hitting, verbal abuse, degradation etc. Not niche, NORMAL.

Ask him to read this forthvalleyfeminists.com/dr-em-porn-culture-and-transgenderism and also have a look at Layla Mickelwait on Twitter who is currently posting about a case being brought against PornHub by underage people who’s abuse was filmed and sold.

He needs to see the shit that is out there!

www.theguardian.com/society/2023/mar/10/porn-study-survey-uk-teenagers-addicted

I wonder how much this has to do with the fact that more and more women are choosing to be single and celibate.

All of that sounded horrifying, not to meantion illegal. It’s crazy what men get away with, just because they did/do it during sex.

@sukiwh my opinion is not absolutely fixed, hence I came to AIBU.

There is very little advice on Mumsnet that couldn't be googled but what Mumsnet gives (me at least) is a sensible filter on that and access to people who know a lot more about this than idea.

But yes, I shall only 'do my own research' in future and no bother you again.

The thing is, your husband hasn't exposed himself to hardcore porn, so this is why he doesn't seem to believe it.
Watch when porn ends with him. Its quite an eye opener.

In the Gail Dines lecture I linked to earlier in the thread she talks about a new cohort of men who are not technically paedophiles in that they don't actually experience attraction to children but do sexually abuse children because their consumption of extreme porn had left them feeling bored and craving something different.

This information was obtained from interviews with men who were incarcerated for sexual offences against children.