Husband doesn't believe me about porn

[fruitstick]

We are both late 40s and been together for 28 years. DH doesn't use porn (I do believe him about this)

We have a teenage son.

DH's attitude to porn very much based on Razzle and 70s underwear catalogues.

This morning I said that there were things is was shocked by that young people think normalised in sex that I would never consider.

I mentioned choking, and how this was now something that occurs that would never have done in the 90s.

He then was very patronising and said that wasn't true.

Can you find me some statistics on this without me having to Google 'choking during sex'

@Chickenly he's saying he doesn't believe choking happens in porn. Or sex for that matter.

Or he thinks if it does happen in porn, you would have to go looking for it specifically on some special website.

'What I mean is that it is now more normalised as something that happens in regular sex.'

Is it though? I don't know anybody who would think choking during sex is 'normal'. I think porn with choking is probably more accessible but all porn is more accessible these days.

@Ponoka7 sorry that should have read I WASN'T expecting a fun response

This recent report is also worth a read:

www.childrenscommissioner.gov.uk/report/a-lot-of-it-is-actually-just-abuse-young-people-and-pornography/

It’s pretty naive to think you know what your friends like or experienced in bed. In the 1990s, people tended not to disclose their preferences to their friends.
Yes they did.

Thank you. Will do.

We tend to only view things through the lens of our current generation, but humanity has always got up to all sorts sexually. You can find literature dating back hundreds and thousands of years recording all sorts of sexual deviancy, kinks and perversions. Victorian Britain was at it, Nazi era Germany was at it, the ancient Greeks were at it and pretty much every other country in every era.

I don’t necessarily think choking is a new phenomenon, but I do think that it may seem that way to us - primarily because the internet and our ability to discuss a million topics a day via social media has exploded in the last two decades.

Surely the simple way would be to ask him how people accessed porn in the 1990s?
I grew up then and found porn magazines in the woods, there was late night TV shows where you could ring in (I think on ITV) but you had to wait till gone 1am

Now you just switch on a device connected to the internet.

Its not that it didnt happen in the 90s, its the fact it wasnt as easy to access

If your son is into porn I get there is an issue

But if not I don't get this 'how do I get them to see I am right thing'

Why does he have to see 'your way'?

Whilst not factual or statistics, this person on twitter believes it is more 'normal' for under 35s
twitter.com/youngvulgarian/status/1634163046108082176?t=KNzpAFxmFQLalPjhBpuF-Q&s=19

I have no idea if my son is into porn or not.

I'd say not, he's 13 and very football focused. We do talk about stuff but i understand he might not want to talk to me about it.

However, I would hope that DH would be able to have an open conversation about it, but DH is often unwilling to see things have changed since the 90s.

So his 'nowt wrong with a bit of porn, leave him to it' attitude is based on him not discussing with his Dad, the jazz mag he found in a bush behind school.

Google Gail Dines, she's a Professor at Wheelock College in Boston. Porn is her specialist subject, there are many of her lectures on YouTube and she wrote a book called Pornland. Her lectures are not for the faint hearted but they are important viewing for anyone with adolescent children.

So his 'nowt wrong with a bit of porn, leave him to it' attitude is based on him not discussing with his Dad, the jazz mag he found in a bush behind school.

Your husband is wrong, there is an increasing body of evidence that porn harms boys and girls in many different ways.

Recent article in the Guardian www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2023/mar/10/porn-study-survey-uk-teenagers-addicted

I have read research that that young girls are presenting for medical attention with injuries but can't remember where sorry. But as a PP said, typing a keyword into a site will give stats on the easy availability.

As well as the harm in terms of emotional, psychological and social / societal impact.

Is this an age thing?

I would say that strangulation is expected and ’normal’ these days.
Also being hit, hair pulled.
Also penetration (in any hole) has to be rough and fast and deep.
Many (men and women) talk about ’rearranging guts’, pounding etc).
Violence is very much in the picture these days.

I don't think modern porn has invented anything new but it is the unprecedented access to it at an early age that is the issue now. You could probably find a choking scene in 1990s if you decided that was your thing, but not as a 13 year old boy and not every evening in your bedroom on your own and not actually talking to or knowing the humans involved. It's the effect this desensitising during formative sexual development that is the real worry and the taking away of progressive sexual experience as you get older until you find what is your thing and meet people who share this. If your DH doesn't think saturation extreme porn is a real issue for child development or it doesn't exist, then he is dilusional. And you can find literally anything you can think of, and some things you never thought of, within seconds of searching.

This is a weird post.
fine until the request for statistics and looking up. Use incognito mode if you’re worried.

‘It stole my soul’: readers on how watching porn at a young age affected their life

www.theguardian.com/society/2023/mar/10/readers-how-watching-porn-young-age-affected-their-life

I think the comment from the teacher, at the end of the Guardian article, seem shockingly naive. Especially after reading the comments that precede his(?). Basically, victim blaming.

The OP’s DS probably doesn’t watch porn, same as her DH.

This is one of Gail Dines many lectures. Its on the Catholic medical association YouTube channel but she speaks to everyone and anyone about the harm porn culture is doing to young people. I chose this one because she offers some advice about how parents can approach this subject in a constructive way with their children.

He needs to look for himself.

I’d be more concerned that he thinks you are lying without checking.

I think he’s being a bit obtuse really.

Choking has always been popular in certain areas of sex and it’s one of the main causes of death in sex.

Has he never heard of bondage or S&M?
I find that quite hard to believe.

Choking isn’t a new thing.
Porn isn’t a new thing.
Choking in porn isn’t a new thing.
What is new is who is accessing this porn and how easily accessible it is.

Before, sex would start out quite vanilla and then you would experiment with different things and see what you like.
Most teens would only know of the missionary position and maybe a couple of others.
If you wanted to get more kinky then you would go to an area and look for that certain kink.

But now all of the kinks are everywhere and teens are just looking at these regular porn sites and thinking that is the way to have sex.

He has agenda.

There a lot of people (usually misogynystic/abusive men & pick-me women who want men’s approval) pushing porn, BDSM, hook-up culture, women ’empowering’ themselves by having casual/violent sex, pushing teenage girls/young women to do Only Fans and the whole mess called ’sex-positivity’ movement.

It’s truly ugly and insidious.

What I also find disgusting about certain porn sites is how many use the words step daughter or step brother and sister.
Some even use actual daughter and siblings.

Having a young person watching these videos and thinking it’s ok to watch your sister getting undressed and go and have sex with her is going to almost brainwash them into thinking it’s acceptable.

Its very well known that children who are abused often abusive children themselves as adults.

It worries me that this sort of language is going to increase the amount of child or sibling abuse because it’s drilled into their heads that it’s ok.