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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move DD private school in year 10?

81 replies

Ratherberightthanhappy · 11/03/2023 08:42

My DD13 flexi boards at a private country school we chose during Covid, so never got a chance to physically tour/meet kids or parents. I did a crazy amount of research on schools before we joined this one and we even moved out of London to facilitate this for her, so the whole thing has been a Big Deal for us.

She joined in year 7 and is currently in year 8. She is average academically and actually is getting on well with her work. The big issue is the kids. There is a much higher level of behavioural issues in the school than I would expect at a private school, that seems to stem from a large cohort of kids from exceptionally traumatic backgrounds that have ended up in care. Lots of stealing and bullying and behaviour I wouldn't expect to be tolerated. There are also a lot of kids who are there seemingly as a last resort because they couldn't make comprehensive school environment work due to additional needs.

DD hasn't really made any friends at the school and comes home saying she is very lonely. She feels very different to the other kids (she is) she isn't into social media and the other kids seem to spend their time filming themselves crying and lipsyncing for tiktok. She loves to board because her shared dorm gives her an illusion of a group of friends but in reality they are all members of different groups and she is not.

I've been badgering another school that we have visited and we have a tiny chance at getting her into in yr 9 and a bigger one in yr 10.

My question is, should I move her in year 10, and disrupt the first year of GCSE's? She's getting on well with her work. What if 13 year old girls are awful everywhere?!

Not looking for a judgement on fee-paying schools and yes obviously feel sorry for kids from difficult backgrounds but after going to a shitty comp myself I have worked my butt off to access better for my DD...

OP posts:
Akite · 11/03/2023 08:44

my DC have moved schools at various times because of unhappiness and while you can't guarantee it will work out, I think it's always worth a try.
private schools are just like any others though for issues - issues come with kids, not with the amount you pay. How they are handled by the school is the key.

BibbleandSqwauk · 11/03/2023 08:45

It wouldn't be a disaster if she moves at the start of y10. You need to talk to the school re option blocks and if she can do the combination of subjects she wants but she sounds pretty miserable where she is. I teach at an independent school. Personal unhappiness is a big barrier to learning, so go for it if you can, bit look at other schools too. Just because they aren't jammed full doesn't mean they wouldn't be good or suit your daughter

2reefsin30knots · 11/03/2023 08:58

Is it a state boarding school? Or are the LA paying for placements for these DC via EHCPs and the school has accepted large numbers of them as an income stream to save themselves? It can't just be a straightforward independent boarding school if there is a large cohort of children in care.

I think a move is probably a good idea as your DD is unhappy. Find a school that is just a regular, fully independent, boarding school. There will be kids with behavioural issues in ANY school, but perhaps not on the scale of significant numbers of traumatised children grouped together with non-specialist staff.

NancyJoan · 11/03/2023 09:15

Outside of London, there are plenty of schools with places. I would move her for Year 9 if you can; she is lonely now.

LittleBearPad · 11/03/2023 09:21

Are there no other options nearby? I wouldn’t wait that long.

Handoverthechocollate · 11/03/2023 09:25

Start your research now for year 9 as other pp have said. I moved my DD who was totally miserable and she changed school in year 9. She is much happier now and has blended in very well with a nice group of girls (moved from single sex to coed school). Good luck.

RampantIvy · 11/03/2023 09:35

LittleBearPad · 11/03/2023 09:21

Are there no other options nearby? I wouldn’t wait that long.

Please do this ^^
DD is 22 and still struggling from the effects of some awful bullying at school. If you are paying for your DD to be unhappy that is even worse.

Thehop · 11/03/2023 09:37

Move her now surely?

28January · 11/03/2023 09:42

There is no way I would leave my DD in a boarding school with these issues. Kids change schools all the time for different reasons, I would be looking to move her asap.

Original poster
Ratherberightthanhappy · 11/03/2023 09:43

2reefsin30knots · 11/03/2023 08:58

Is it a state boarding school? Or are the LA paying for placements for these DC via EHCPs and the school has accepted large numbers of them as an income stream to save themselves? It can't just be a straightforward independent boarding school if there is a large cohort of children in care.

I think a move is probably a good idea as your DD is unhappy. Find a school that is just a regular, fully independent, boarding school. There will be kids with behavioural issues in ANY school, but perhaps not on the scale of significant numbers of traumatised children grouped together with non-specialist staff.

No it's a previously very well regarded £27k/year boarding school that has amazing reviews anywhere from GSG to Tatler!

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 11/03/2023 09:44

Just move her now if you can. If she’s boarding, there will be lots of options.

Original poster
Ratherberightthanhappy · 11/03/2023 09:45

NancyJoan · 11/03/2023 09:15

Outside of London, there are plenty of schools with places. I would move her for Year 9 if you can; she is lonely now.

Admissions have all laughed in my face re Year 9 entry thus far! Apparently a tiny chance with one of them but it seems like a difficult move to pull off for year 9 sadly. I will keep pestering them

OP posts:
Original poster
Ratherberightthanhappy · 11/03/2023 09:47

2reefsin30knots · 11/03/2023 08:58

Is it a state boarding school? Or are the LA paying for placements for these DC via EHCPs and the school has accepted large numbers of them as an income stream to save themselves? It can't just be a straightforward independent boarding school if there is a large cohort of children in care.

I think a move is probably a good idea as your DD is unhappy. Find a school that is just a regular, fully independent, boarding school. There will be kids with behavioural issues in ANY school, but perhaps not on the scale of significant numbers of traumatised children grouped together with non-specialist staff.

I think you are spot on here. Numbers have dwindled recently (overseas students/covid) and they are having to throw the net wider to secure the income

OP posts:
Zwicky · 11/03/2023 09:49

I think you are spot on here. Numbers have dwindled recently (overseas students/covid) and they are having to throw the net wider to secure the income

Yet you can’t find a boarding place anywhere for y9?

beepbeep · 11/03/2023 09:49

Whereabouts are you? We moved my son at Easter year 9, was the best thing we did, he wasn’t happy & therefore wasn’t working well. We managed to get him into a private school close(ish) to us as a day pupil, it did mean lots of driving initially but all sorted now. His grades have improved significantly and he is so much happier

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/03/2023 09:49

Yep. It sounds like it’s really not working out. If you are worried about her GCSEs, you can always get her a bit of tutor support.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/03/2023 09:50

Generally OP country schools have more spaces for boarders than day, so if she’s interested in weekly boarding and you can afford it, that might help.

Original poster
Ratherberightthanhappy · 11/03/2023 09:50

Zwicky · 11/03/2023 09:49

I think you are spot on here. Numbers have dwindled recently (overseas students/covid) and they are having to throw the net wider to secure the income

Yet you can’t find a boarding place anywhere for y9?

Oh yes you're right! Damn. You caught me out! I made the whole thing up for attention!

I was referring to our school...

OP posts:
CloudPop · 11/03/2023 09:52

Have you spoken to any of your target schools about their views on starting in year 10? I would say if they are bought into it you'll be fine

PumpkinPie2016 · 11/03/2023 09:54

It sounds as if your daughter is unhappy, so I would definitely look to move her. Either during Y8 or when she starts Y9.

If you can post a rough location, some posters may be able to help with school suggestions for you.

If she flexi boards, can you cast your net wide in terms of location?

Does she have to board? Would a school where she can be a day pupil?

What about local state options? Might be worth a look at those?

I would say look at all options - fee paying and state and try to get her moved.

DistrictCommissioner · 11/03/2023 09:55

do local authorities really pay for boarding school at £27k for kids in care - where do they go in holiday time?

I am aware that residential care is extremely expensive, just didn’t think it took place at Tatler rated boarding schools.

Eqs · 11/03/2023 09:56

Pupils coming into yr10 is totally normal at my dc’s private school. They have on the rare occasion also taken on pupils at the beginning of yr11…. it can be done! But yes, I think you should be looking to move asap and by yr9 if your dc is that unhappy. Why are there no openings at any of your choices - are you limiting yourself to a very competitive arena ie Oxford etc?

LIZS · 11/03/2023 09:57

Does it have to be that specific school? Are there any others further afield she could weekly board at? Unfortunately places for any year 9 intake would already be allocated but you may stand a chance at Easter when the first term fees become liable and notice due.

WiIson · 11/03/2023 09:58

I'd move her out now. Your daughters not happy and it sounds shit.

Zwicky · 11/03/2023 09:59

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