To move DD private school in year 10?

[Ratherberightthanhappy]

My DD13 flexi boards at a private country school we chose during Covid, so never got a chance to physically tour/meet kids or parents. I did a crazy amount of research on schools before we joined this one and we even moved out of London to facilitate this for her, so the whole thing has been a Big Deal for us.

She joined in year 7 and is currently in year 8. She is average academically and actually is getting on well with her work. The big issue is the kids. There is a much higher level of behavioural issues in the school than I would expect at a private school, that seems to stem from a large cohort of kids from exceptionally traumatic backgrounds that have ended up in care. Lots of stealing and bullying and behaviour I wouldn't expect to be tolerated. There are also a lot of kids who are there seemingly as a last resort because they couldn't make comprehensive school environment work due to additional needs.

DD hasn't really made any friends at the school and comes home saying she is very lonely. She feels very different to the other kids (she is) she isn't into social media and the other kids seem to spend their time filming themselves crying and lipsyncing for tiktok. She loves to board because her shared dorm gives her an illusion of a group of friends but in reality they are all members of different groups and she is not.

I've been badgering another school that we have visited and we have a tiny chance at getting her into in yr 9 and a bigger one in yr 10.

My question is, should I move her in year 10, and disrupt the first year of GCSE's? She's getting on well with her work. What if 13 year old girls are awful everywhere?!

Not looking for a judgement on fee-paying schools and yes obviously feel sorry for kids from difficult backgrounds but after going to a shitty comp myself I have worked my butt off to access better for my DD...

Also, I know of two children with varying diagnoses of asd/ adhd for whom our local council are paying full boarding school fees as the parent proved it was the most suitable option to meet their needs - it does actually flabbergast me, but it’s not my area of expertise nor my place to judge… just putting it there as other posters are questioning if it’s legit.

Why can't she go to a state school? Rather than looking round for second rate private schools.

if not happy and neither are you act swiftly

She’s unhappy boarding, and is lonely and is struggling with friendships?
The obvious answer is to move her to a school, private or state, where she can be a home and have the support she needs from her family.
You can organise tutors for her at home if you feel she needs more support in certain subjects.

If you give some sort of vague idea about location I'm sure people can help think of ideas for schools. You'll definitely find somewhere for year 9. I think the part about your post people are finding strange is the 'casting the net wider' bit as the schools around here have all had more applicants not less? Would you consider a day school? Or weekly boarding? Both of those will open up more options. Don't leave her where she's miserable.

Act now. There are lots of places outside of London to board at present. Awful to be away from home and miserable at a time when she is growing up. Give her the best chance of settling down and being secure well before she starts GCSEs. As others have said, let us know the geography and look perhaps at easy ish journeys from where you are as well as sharing an indication of her interests and ability, and I'm sure people here would have suggestions.

The only real solution to find out what is going on with her, is to have her at home, where she can talk to you, where you can see how she is, her moods, her behaviour, where you’ll get the chance to spend time with her and have those moments when they open up to you.
our early teens don’t come and sit and ‘chat’ to us about their worries- it comes out at the oddest times sometimes, when they’re doing something else, or we’re in the car or late in the evening when we’re watching telly together or similar.

Doesn’t matter how good the school seems if your DD isn’t happy then why pay for her to be unhappy? Just for context my DS is the same age as your DD and I sent hit to a private school as he has ASD and slow processing speed so even though he’s very bright, he needs lots of support and primary school clarified that he wasn’t going to get that in a public school due to class sizes. I was thinking of changing to a public school when at the beginning of Year 8 they changed the forms which affected his friendships and it turned his world upside down. Anyway I contacted school and they sorted a few things and now he is very happy. He has lots of friends at the local school so there was no way I was going to pay for him to be miserable just like you shouldn’t. Education is important but mental health should come first.

Where in the UK are you roughly - maybe someone can recommend another school based on real life experience.
Can you please google inattentive adhd and see if that applies to her? I usually find that children who struggle with friendships can have some sort of SEN does not need to be autism - inattentive adhd includes missing social cues.
My concern is that she would move and struggle again plus struggle with starting her GCSEs in a new environment.
Have you spoken to the school about her being lonely? As a private school they should have attempted to help her.

Thank you. My net casting comment was that I think our school have had to let in people they wouldn't usually due to losing numbers - possibly due to Covid? We are Cotswolds and our DD is very sporty - in the 1st teams - and very good at drama. She is an only child and it's her choice to board 3 nights per week. We are a very tight unit as a family, she has always been emotionally mature and we have no issues chatting thru all these issues at length. Thanks

When I wanted to move my daughter from a grammar the local private said no way no space...and then rang me a week later with a space starting the next term. Things change so just keep bugging them.

...and by the way yes 13 year old girls are awful everywhere. Sounds like you have her in a single sex? Maybe a coed would be a better move for her.

I know personally that many boarding schools are struggling for numbers due to Russian students being pulled out. It's certainly worth trying to find a place for this September.

I think that's fair. I am quite chippy

We’ve had tricky times with our 14 yr old. I would say that 13 yr olds are awful everywhere but there is definitely a difference in degree by school.

If you are looking at private, try and arrange a taster day before making a decision, so your daughter can get an idea of the culture. (How social media-y or bitchy it is.)

Look towards Bristol/ sw I know someone who is a bursar at a boarding school and they have had multiple girls pulled this year and said other schools are experiencing the same. My friend is co Ed school not girls only

Yr9 is ideal. But it is possible to do in yr10. Private schools want to make it as easy as possible to move. Are there no boarding options closer if there isn’t any chance of going into yr9 locally?

Without getting into an ideological fight, specifically for a child who is struggling socially there is a lot to be said for a day school. You can provide socialisation and company for her rather than it being all on her to sort out, and there are still structured classes she can go to outside school to keep busy.

Moving in Y10 is risky, and to me day school is the obvious way to de-risk it and make sure she has enough support. Boarding is very much "all your eggs in one basket" - fine to gamble with that when you have time on your side but quite high stakes in Y10. But leaving her where she is sounds utterly miserable.

You clearly do see her in the round, your understanding of her social landscape is nuanced. Is she actually the best judge of whether she should board or be a day pupil? She has zero experience of the latter as the teen she now is. Personally I found boarding school such a world in itself that it was very difficult to imagine living anywhere else. Anything outside your experience is pretty scary at this age. Also, if she is even open to moving schools in Y9, things must be pretty bad. Kids this age are usually desperate to stick with what they know.

My same age dc goes to a great comp, with high standards and great friends and I work in a grammar which is also outstanding. I’m not private school bashing at all, but there is no way I would continue to pay money for what you describe and I certainly wouldn’t consider doing it for another year or so. I would be moving her now, into the state sector if that was the only option.

That sounds good

No it's co-Ed

Honestly OP single sex schools are way better for girls statistically etc. My DD13 flexi boards in one in Oxford. Two classes a year, 12 in a class great facilities.

Move her now before GCSE year starts.

It did take her a couple of years to settle in as she switched in from local primary, with covid etc the friends took a while to form but she's thriving now.

Now I would say this one is a catholic school but we are not religious and there are plenty of girls there who aren't or are from different beliefs.

Perhaps look at the non private schools near where you live. You may be pleasantly suprised

Where abouts are you? There are lots of lovely schools in the SW I'm sure some have places.

Honestly your current school sounds awful. Mine would be out tomorrow.