To think a chasm opens between friends when you're the only one who has lost parents?

[Pleasekeepmycoffeehot]

I am in my 30s and have no parents left. The latest bereavement is hitting hard. Apart from one friend who is losing her mum, all my other friends still have both parents.

It makes me feel like we are in different worlds now tbh. It makes me so sad, and it's hard to express that because of course I don't wish this on them! I just wish I still had mine too. It sounds almost resentful, and it's really not that.

It nearly feels like I'm in prison or something now. Just our lives are so, so different now and our futures will be too. I can't look forward to any happy times with my parents, they all do, casually mentioning a lunch with their mum or something like that, as they should do. But it just reminds me of how cut off I am. Everything to do with family stings all the time.

It's awful because I do love my friends but I'm slow to respond to anyone getting in touch with me. It's not because I don't care about them. I do care, I'm just so sad, and also feel like a black cloud of gloom around all their normal lives with their parents and new babies and normal life stuff, like challenging jobs and travel etc. I'm very grateful to people for caring about me and wanting to chat - I mean, there is one friend who has just gone completely radio silent on me and hasn't even acknowledged my loss and that hurts too. Maybe it's just me being a bit of a crap friend, dissatisfied with everything.

Dunno if I'm making sense. Can anyone relate to this?

I was older than you losing my parents, but it does make your experience of life different from friends who still have theirs. My closest friend lost both of hers very young, it must have been so hard for her. As I was young as well I didn’t appreciate just what she had gone though until I was dealing with my own parents dying.
Sympathy to you OP.

Sorry for your loss. It sounds like you're in the fog of grief where anyone not experincing it too seems unfairly happy. It's horrible, but it does pass.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I think firstly your grief is still very raw so of course you’ll be more sensitive to things people say / do / don’t do. Sometimes that can colour our opinions or feelings about a person because we are filled with emotion constantly.

However I totally agree with you, about loss in general really. Those who have not experienced a close loss cannot really comprehend it, of course they can sympathise and understand in theory, but not in a real sense, some people therefore fall short in how they address it and support you.
Many people just don’t know how to address grief, but for a friend to fail to acknowledge it at all, to me that is almost unforgivable.

I had a situation when I lost a very close relative, not a parent but the closest thing I have. 2 close friends at the time didn’t even send a card, flowers or come to the funeral. Nor even take me out for a coffee or even offer to drop off a pack of biscuits. I can’t imagine acting the same way if I a good friend lost their mum.
It changed the way I see those 2 people and our “friendship” is now purely surface level. I wouldn’t, and don’t go out of my way to offer emotional support to them.

I don't think they are unfairly happy, though. It's not all sunshine and roses! I can see all the stuff they're dealing with like big stress over housing for one example. I completely get that's no fun and a major challenge to sort out and obviously very important to find a good, safe place to live.

But sort of feel like I understand it very well (I've had times of very insecure housing, it was awful) I can't properly relate to that? It's like my life is so destroyed so far beyond the normal life problems like housing, with no chance of ever being ok again. Because obviously it can't be.

Yes agree @MargaritMargo it's significant loss in general, you're right there. It doesn't have to be a parental loss but the loss of somebody hugely significant and loved to you, when friends have no experience of it.

I’m sorry for your loss but you have reached a milestone ahead of them. Generally folk will lose their parents at some point, it’s the natural way of things but it’s more usually expected when you’re older, being in your thirties as you are is a long time to live without them.
It sounds like you are really grieving and people aren’t always good at dealing with death so keep their distance for fear of saying the wrong thing. Perhaps you could try to speak with a bereavement counsellor.

To perhaps give their perspective…… My friend’s Dad died earlier this year. She lives a distance from me and I think she’s struggling but she makes it really difficult to reach out to. She shuts herself off and won’t reply to messages or says she doesn’t want to talk. From my perspective, I can get that she may feel she’s too miserable to talk but I can’t do any more than I have done already to help and I’ve got loads of my own hassles to deal with so I cannot keep chasing her to talk about her grief. I don’t mean that to sound harsh but life goes on, especially for those not directly suffering from your loss.

I lost both my parents within 18 months , the vast majority of my friends still have both parents or at least one . It does feel different , my life experience is now different so it is not really a surprise. Sorry for your loss OP - how you are feeling is normal and will ebb and flow over time . I go through big periods of feeling fine and going about my business and then suddenly a significant date will go past and I will be completely thrown again . Take care of yourself and try to remember that some people won’t have a clue what to say to you regardless of how much they care about you it doesn’t mean they care less . I personally hated receiving cards - none of them went up but many people find it helpful .. my friends had no way of knowing that

Friend who ignored me is in the last year of medical school as a mature student, and her own health is suffering at the moment. So I know she is very run down and stressed out. I don't think it's personal, but it does hurt.

To perhaps give their perspective…… My friend’s Dad died earlier this year. She lives a distance from me and I think she’s struggling but she makes it really difficult to reach out to. She shuts herself off and won’t reply to messages or says she doesn’t want to talk. From my perspective, I can get that she may feel she’s too miserable to talk but I can’t do any more than I have done already to help and I’ve got loads of my own hassles to deal with so I cannot keep chasing her to talk about her grief. I don’t mean that to sound harsh but life goes on, especially for those not directly suffering from your loss.

Ok...

I actually was trying to make it clear in my post that I was not blaming my friends. I don't expect them to chase me.

I was trying to discuss the fact that this chasm opens up, that nobody wants - not you or the friends who care about you on the other side of it.

And I know life goes on for everyone else. You don't have to point that out, believe me.

Losing a parent or both is like entering a different world. It's like finding out something that means life will never be the same again. I do sympathise, OP

I don't know. Are we talking about grief or the loss of parents?

I "lost" one parent at 7 due to abandonment, the other at 18 the moment she could kick me out of the house.

So I haven't had parents for a long time, but never experienced the sudden grief that death brings; I guess mine was slower.

Does that really set us apart from one another?

If just by the experience of grief, then yes. But if we're talking about being alone and not having anyone to ask for advice, to help out or to just generally have that family feeling with - I bet there are a few friends or acquaintances about who know the feeling all too well.

I felt similarly when I went through two pregnancy losses. Many friends had no clue how to support me and never asked about it or brought it up or checked how I was feeling. I grew to understand that none of this meant they didn’t care, or weren’t wanting to support me. They were genuinely doing the best they knew how. One day they may go through something similar and they may come to understand how they could have behaved differently. I sort of hope they don’t, sort of hope they do. In the meantime I’ve come to accept that their reaction wasn’t about me and I’ve been able to continue with the friendships. I could understand similarly why someone might distance themselves after something like this. I’m sorry about your losses OP and hope you are able to find some level of peace given enough time.

I know exactly how you feel OP. I lost my mom when I was only 21 and I now care for my dad but there’s definitely a different feeling with my friends. They all talk about going out for meals and shopping with their moms and I smile and say how nice and engage in conversation but on the inside I’m so sad that I don’t get to do that anymore. My mom won’t get to see me reach my milestones in life. It feels so unfair but I would never put that onto my friends. There is a barrier though as they don’t realise how lucky they are still have their moms.

One “friend” though I had to cut off after she asked me with a serious tone whether my mom was excited about my new job a few days before the first anniversary of my moms death. There was other things but that was the last straw.

Hugs OP 💐

I'm sorry OP, it must be so hard. You're still dealing with the horrible shock of grief, and knowing that things will never be the same again. I think it's normal to feel a bit resentful of people who still have both of their parents, there's an unfairness to it all.

I'm also in my 30's and while both my parents are still alive, my father has advanced dementia and is in a nursing home. I know it's not exactly the same as I can still visit him, but he has no idea who I am so I feel like I've lost him already and he's been replaced by an angry stranger.

I helped to care for him the last few years and it made me realise how different my life was from my friends, they didn't seem to carry the same burden and were able to plan things on a whim - nights out, going to gigs, weekends away - just normal stuff that I couldn't do anymore. And I did feel a bit jealous of the fact that all their parents are still relatively young and healthy and they will have more time with them, as my parents are quite a bit older when they had me.

I don't have an answer really, just don't be too hard on yourself. You may find when you come out of the fog you are in, you will want to see your friends more, and hopefully they understand that you just need time.

Yes I can relate to this although I still have my mum.
All of my wider family (pre marriage and kids) are dead, some very young, except a half sister and cousin.
I'm in a new unit with dh and the boys but it's weird. My dad died when I was very young, at school, and I have really struggled to care about people losing their parents at an older age. It completely coloured my childhood and whole existence. I see things now about childhood bereavement and I'm almost envious at the support now available, although obviously I'm not callous enough to wish it on anyone or think it shouldn't exist.

I’d lost both parents by my 30s too but I didn’t feel a chasm. I did feel sad (and still do 20 years later). I also have minimal extended family so I value my friends a lot (I also have dh & adult DCs) and have never let this get in the way. Some friends are now experiencing the loss of one or both parents and I can certainly sympathise more.
I find there’s more of a gap when friends haven’t got kids - as you don’t have that commonality- although my best friend has no kids and still has both parents, so go figure!

@OneFrenchEgg my dad also died when I was at school and there was no support like there is now. It’s good it exists.

Gently, I think YABU, because there are so many unique challenges that shape people that are very hard for someone to relate to if they haven't experienced it.

Long term sickness and disability are a good example. However often you state that you have different needs, people never really "get" it, because they can't comprehend that.

Whilst losing both parents young is one type of challenge, there are plenty of others. I think it's not healthy to dwell on the isolating factors.

@Tanaria abandonment is a profound loss in my opinion, and you can grieve different kinds of loss. Of course you may disagree, I'm not trying to force my feelings on you.

I totally understand this OP and have experienced what you describe. Having a child with a long term health condition is similarly isolating, and i expect others who have been through different difficult experiences will say the same. It's not nice to face up to but the fact is that people don't understand unless they've been through it, and mentioning these big, life-changing events or losses makes most people very uncomfortable.

My late mum said to me, hey at least you won't have to worry about what to do with me when I'm senile...she had a fairly dark sense of humour at the best of times.

Sorry for your loss and I'm sending hugs and solidarity

I agree up to a point but think what you're saying is true of any major milestone. I was widowed in my 30s and felt marked out even from friends who'd lost parents (which I hadn't). But I also think if you're the first to have kids, to get married, to get divorced etc it also feels like this, perhaps to a lesser degree. I'm sorry for your loss.

Ok, well if not 'unfairly happy' then their problems still seem remote or even quite trivial. Again, the fog of grief. It does pass and relatability will return.

I do recognize it. My mother died when i was 34 and had 2 small kids…. and I was left caring for my father, who is in bad health for many years now. I was the first of my friends to be dealing with this and they just couldn’t relate. But i made a new friend who was in exact the same situation…. And we can talk endlessly about it😌

The same happens I think with divorces, miscarriages, having an sn child. All the big things in life that make an impact on you and your friends don’t have that same experience…

I haven't lost my parents. I'm 37 now. I was widowed at 30 though, and I recognise what you say about the chasm in life experience. It is very hard.

I'm sorry for your losses.

Yes definitely. I've lost both of mine, the first one I was just in my twenties, and some of my peers still have living grandparents.