To think a chasm opens between friends when you're the only one who has lost parents?

[Pleasekeepmycoffeehot]

I am in my 30s and have no parents left. The latest bereavement is hitting hard. Apart from one friend who is losing her mum, all my other friends still have both parents.

It makes me feel like we are in different worlds now tbh. It makes me so sad, and it's hard to express that because of course I don't wish this on them! I just wish I still had mine too. It sounds almost resentful, and it's really not that.

It nearly feels like I'm in prison or something now. Just our lives are so, so different now and our futures will be too. I can't look forward to any happy times with my parents, they all do, casually mentioning a lunch with their mum or something like that, as they should do. But it just reminds me of how cut off I am. Everything to do with family stings all the time.

It's awful because I do love my friends but I'm slow to respond to anyone getting in touch with me. It's not because I don't care about them. I do care, I'm just so sad, and also feel like a black cloud of gloom around all their normal lives with their parents and new babies and normal life stuff, like challenging jobs and travel etc. I'm very grateful to people for caring about me and wanting to chat - I mean, there is one friend who has just gone completely radio silent on me and hasn't even acknowledged my loss and that hurts too. Maybe it's just me being a bit of a crap friend, dissatisfied with everything.

Dunno if I'm making sense. Can anyone relate to this?

I was talking about the OP being an adult. I agree with you about childhood bereavement.

I understand this totally. I was 32 by the time I had lost both of mine. Neither met my children and it feels like a big empty void. Mother’s Day etc is still very hard and I still cry a fair bit even though it’s more than ten years ago since I lost the last one. It feels like you’ve been Cheated out of half a life with them and other people can’t relate when they are lucky and have both parents much much later.

I know no one else in the same position now even in my forties 🌸🌸

Also totally relate to the assumptions people make about you still having parents. I remember when I got married being asked if my mum was excited - she was dead - I mumbled something in response.

This is so hard. I’m so sorry OP for you & others that have had losses. I’m so lucky to still have both my parents but I have friends who have had a parent die when they were in their 30’s. I can completely imagine it’s one of those things you can’t really understand until you’ve been through it. I can only hope I’ve been a good friend to my friends that have lost their parents.

I did have that in spades and all the good stuff that follows you through life and still the grief hit me like a tonne of bricks.

@Sighdeeply gotcha. It's hard to follow replies sometimes, thank you for clarifying.

Yes, I lost both mine before I was 20. My friends just couldn't relate and people would often respond with awkwardness or embarrassment if they asked me about my parents and I told them they were dead.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, I can totally relate to how you feel.

My dad died suddenly just over a year ago, he was fine one day, and then just died in his sleep.

I cant explain the pain I felt, he was my favourite person in the whole world, and then he was gone. I think before you lose a parent, you have no idea how it feels, and I definitely isolated myself from friends who still have their parents as they seemed to expect me to be 'over it' after a few months.

It's not their fault though, they are trying their best to be understanding and supportive, it's just that they can't relate to how I feel. I was the same before my dad died, and looking back I feel really bad that I didn't support my friend better when his mum passed away.

Hugs to you OP, take it one day at a time, and be kind to yourself.

I agree. My parents are still alive in their 80s, not great health, and I am clinging onto our final few good years together. Many of my friends have lost parents and say how life changing it is. They feel very sad I will have to go through it. I can’t imagine life without my dp and I’m sure it will change me. I do talk to my friends about their loss but definitely do not know how it feels.

I'm sorry for your losses OP. My Dad died suddenly when I was 25 (he was 53) and my Mum when I was 39 (she was 66). Like many here, neither of my parents met my son, or saw me married.

You mention a DP. I'll assume male but apologies if that is not correct. Does your DP still have his parents? My husband, when we got married, not only had two living and active parents but two grandmothers! He's 5 years younger than me but still- it blew my mind! I know he can't possibly imagine how I feel. After our wedding we went to my parents' grave to lay the bouquet there and he was more distraught than I was (he never met my Dad and only met my Mum briefly once). I think it only really hit him then, even though he was at my Mum's funeral. I think he is more careful than he might be never to complain about his parents in front of me, as it seems so tactless, but in a weird way I think he takes comfort knowing that I can still function and even be happy despite the huge loss, and so the prospect of him eventually going through the same is a bit less scary, if you see what I mean?

The thing that is scaring me now is that I am only 3 years younger than my Dad was when he died (leukaemia but diagnosed very late) and Mum was when she was widowed. And I hear you about being afraid to have a child. I think that fear will dissipate over time. If you have not much time left on your biological clock you might want to think about therapy, otherwise just give it a couple of years and see how you feel then.

I am fond of my in-laws and do treat them as parental figures because I have none of my own, therefore I do struggle with the idea that I will need to go through losing them at some point. But I do also feel relief at dodging long drawn-out care obligations (which I see my MIL having to deal with now, crazily) and I am even a little bit happy that Mother's Day for me is all about being treated, with no obligation to do anything for anyone else.

My husband was a widower when I met him. He said the hardest time wasn't in the immediate days after the death but several weeks later. The funeral and sorting lots of other things occupies lots of your time. Friends and family are around more than usual. Once the funeral is done you go home and have to create a whole new life. Your friends and family go back to their homes and jobs and lives as before.Yours will never be the same again. You are in the throes of grief at the moment Op. It will get easier. Some friends will still be there ,others will have fallen away.That is life.

I’m sorry for your losses OP. I can related to what you say.

I lost my mum and dad 10 years ago when I was 35 and yes, I felt like I was in a very different place to most of my friends. I didn’t really know anyone else my own age who had lost both parents. Seeing women my age out at cafes or theatres with their mums was particularly painful. Seeing people in their 60s and 70s enjoying time with their grandchildren was painful. Sometimes I quietly resented people- even strangers. It hurt a lot for a long time. It still does sometimes, but it does get less raw with time. Take care of yourself. 💐

That eternal awkward moment that seems to come up so often in conversations with acquaintances, colleagues and other people you don’t know so well.

Where you have to explain that your parents are dead (I oscillate between ‘passed away’, which I don’t really like, but which is more palatable to some people, and ‘dead’, which is simple and accurate, but quite confronting in a ‘small talk’ situation) - you try to say it in a ‘light-hearted, throw-away, don’t worry, I’m not going to break down crying on you’ way, they react in a shocked, ‘I’m so sorry’ way, while you try to breeze the conversation along….

I know some people in their mid-late 60s who still have an elderly parent living. It’s amazing to me that they’ve had 30 odd years more time with their parent than I had with mine. But then I remind myself that having a living parent who is in their 90s or older is often very stressful, tiring and time-consuming as very elderly people are obviously more likely to be dealing with health issues and care needs. Sometimes I’m grateful that I didn’t have to see my parents get very old. And that they don’t have to witness the way the world is now. But I’d have liked to keep them for longer, even so.

@JudgyVonHolierThanThou, I usually end up saying they ‘aren’t here anymore’ which I don’t particularly like, but it’s just what comes out.

I get it ALL the time because I live in one part of the UK but have a strong accent from another part. So I'm always being asked if I go back to my original area much to visit my family. And I have to say they are dead, and I do find myself saying "passed away" for the other person's sake, even though I hate it. I sometimes say "my parents are unfortunately no longer with us"

I’m very sorry for your losses OP, and that you feel like your life is destroyed. It is changed and it must be very hard seeing life going on around you as normal, when there are so many reminders of what has been lost. The rawness does pass though.

What you say (and what others on this thread have said) resonates; I get that sense of a gulf between myself and those who haven’t experienced bereavement.

I lost one parent at 7 and the other in my early 30s - but after decades of relapsing and remitting severe mental illness. Early parental illness and death means that you never experience a feeling of safety and security (I know it’s not unique in that, and other childhood traumas have the same effect, but I can talk only of my own experiences). As @mischiefmaker says, you become acutely aware of others’ reactions. As a kid I used to pretend that I didn’t care that I’d lost my dad, as I could see how uncomfortable it made other people.

It is weird being the top of the tree - when friends talk about going “home” to parents for Christmas I can’t relate at all. I do feel sad that I have no-one to talk to about early life or memories as there’s no-one left who knew me as a young child - @InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits expressed this beautifully.

Sending you hugs OP. I hope that soon the black clouds start to clear.

I think your description of a chasm opening up is very apt. When something totally life changing happens, it feels like the picture of our lives gets split up and spins around and when it stops spinning, we no longer quite line up with where we were before. The friends we were previously close to may seem further away and we look at ourselves and other people through different, often distorted lenses. Some people manage to hold on and stay in the same altered universe but others are behind a glass sceen, sharing the space but no longer connected in the same way. We manage to find our way back to some people.. often those who were further away during the seismic shift and possibly were not witness to the worst part or were not around for us to feel unconnected to during our most difficult times.

However I totally agree with you, about loss in general really. Those who have not experienced a close loss cannot really comprehend it

So true @MargaritMargo, and I think this also goes for the type of loss; as in, who it is that has died.

I had a few people talk about their grandparents when I lost my mum and dad (traditional grandparents, not ones who brought them up in loco parentis) and I was a bit frustrated by that at times. Because like, yes, I know what it’s like to lose grandparents; I’ve already lost four of those, and now I’ve lost my parents too and it isn’t the same. For me, at least.

And then I saw the other side of it in one of the most heartbreaking moments of my ‘annus horriblis’. My dad had just died of a very shocking and fast cancer, and my poor mum was bereaved while suffering from aggressive stage 4 cancer herself. I was crying and mum got a bit cross with me and said ‘I know what it’s like to lose a dad, but he was my HUSBAND!’ It’s obviously just a very different experience of grief, and none of us can really know what each type is like unless or until we’ve experienced it.

In many ways this thread is a good illustration of what you're saying, I think, OP. There are a few people disagreeing with you (why, on a thread about a recent bereavement, is anyone's guess) who haven't experienced the loss of one or both parents, and those who have who absolutely recognise what you are describing (me included).

Look after yourself. I like the ball in the box analogy above. It does get better with time.

Yes I also lost my dad as a teen and looking back now I can’t believe how little support there was. Especially as I was so obviously struggling. I was just supposed to get on with it because ‘kids are resilient.’ I totally get what you mean about feeling envious of the support available now, although it is a good thing of course.

Totally understand the Christmas references too. Sometimes I take myself off for a little cry on Xmas day to think of what might have been, especially for the children. It’s very hard. My eldest has started asking questions too about how sad he is not to have two sets of grandparents so now I have his sadness as well as my own. Xx

I also lost my dad as a teen and looking back now I can’t believe how little support there was. Especially as I was so obviously struggling. I was just supposed to get on with it because ‘kids are resilient

My mum died in the 1990s. I had one day off school and then had to go back. No teacher mentioned it. I was literally supposed to go back and pretend like nothing had happened. If I got upset, I'd be shouted at by my dad and grandmother. I quickly learnt that I had to keep quiet as everyone was having a bad enough time without me making it worse.

Thank god times have changed. My Ds had two friends in primary school lost parents. Both had counselling in school with no stigma or shame.

I'm sorry for your loss. I had exactly the same. A lifelong friend rang me once when I told her my dad had died. I didn't get a card or an invitation to meet up or anything. I haven't kept in touch with her.

I think it's just so hard for people to understand how horrible it is when it hasn't happened to them.

I am sorry for you experience but it is not the specific situation the OP has asked about. Those of us who have lost much loved parents already know how fortunate we were to have them.