To think a chasm opens between friends when you're the only one who has lost parents?

[Pleasekeepmycoffeehot]

I am in my 30s and have no parents left. The latest bereavement is hitting hard. Apart from one friend who is losing her mum, all my other friends still have both parents.

It makes me feel like we are in different worlds now tbh. It makes me so sad, and it's hard to express that because of course I don't wish this on them! I just wish I still had mine too. It sounds almost resentful, and it's really not that.

It nearly feels like I'm in prison or something now. Just our lives are so, so different now and our futures will be too. I can't look forward to any happy times with my parents, they all do, casually mentioning a lunch with their mum or something like that, as they should do. But it just reminds me of how cut off I am. Everything to do with family stings all the time.

It's awful because I do love my friends but I'm slow to respond to anyone getting in touch with me. It's not because I don't care about them. I do care, I'm just so sad, and also feel like a black cloud of gloom around all their normal lives with their parents and new babies and normal life stuff, like challenging jobs and travel etc. I'm very grateful to people for caring about me and wanting to chat - I mean, there is one friend who has just gone completely radio silent on me and hasn't even acknowledged my loss and that hurts too. Maybe it's just me being a bit of a crap friend, dissatisfied with everything.

Dunno if I'm making sense. Can anyone relate to this?

Most people lose their parents at some point in their lives.

Whilst what the PP said is true, we all do lose our parents, there is a HUGE difference between losing your parents at an early age and losing them in, as they say, 'the fullness of time'.

Your loss was unexpected because of their ages and absolutely devastating because of it. My loss of my parents (at 86 and 98) was 'expected' considering their ages and health and, whilst sad and heartbreaking, it was not 'devastating'. I had the comfort of 'lives well lived' and a lifetime of memories with them. You have been denied that, and your feelings deserve to be respected.

That being said, you do deserve to live a happy life and I'm sure your parents would want that for you. If you're feeling a 'chasm' in your life and you don't feel your grief is lessening (not disappearing, just lessening a little bit) as time is passing, then perhaps you should consider either a grief group or grief counseling. Stopping grieving isn't disrespectful to those we've lost, quite the opposite. It's actually a celebration of them and the ways in which they taught us to enjoy and appreciate living.

My DDs were in their early 20s when my DH died. And reading this thread is making me worry that, in my own grief, I didn't/haven't talked to then enough or considered enough how it's affected their life.

I dreaded my DDs wedding without her dad there. She walked up the aisle by herself (her choice) but in the end it was a very happy day. I just wished he'd been there. And of course the grandchildren he never met... 😥

I should probably talk to my girls about how they feel now.

I'm in the same boat OP. I lost both parents within a year of each other when I was in my mid 30s. None of my close friends had even lost one parent, let alone two.

I found that friends were very sympathetic and made an effort to check in after the first bereavement, but by the second it was quite different with some of them. Almost like it was so horrible they just didn't know how to approach it so they avoided me.

It is very isolating, it does feel unfair and nobody seems to get it.

Eventually they will understand the grief of losing parents but they won't understand how difficult it is to lose them at a younger age.

It does get better with time 💐

I haven't experienced this myself as have both my parents still in my early 40s but one of my best friends, who I met overseas and dearly wished I now lived closer to, has expressed this to me. My heart really breaks for her and I'm glad she feels able to talk to me albeit it mostly virtually and I try my best to listen, understand and support. She's a lovely popular bubbly person with lots of close friends from school, but despite actually knowing her mum (I only knew her a little when she visited overseas), none of them ever mention her, ask if my friend is ok, wants to talk or show any real consideration of her ongoing pain which she says has caused a very wide chasm although I'm sure is not deliberate. They see her bubbly personality and previous difficulties/reluctance to talk when her mum was sick and find it awkward or uncomfortable to bring up maybe - I've always messaged her on significant dates and at regular points, never shied away from mentioning her mum and try my best to be sensitive when talking about my own parents so I hope she has appreciated that. She's even considering moving back overseas because life was less painful then but who knows if that would actually help. Sorry, that's a lot of waffling but your post made me think of my dear friend and wanting to be a good friend back to her. I'm so so for your enormous loss and the void you now have x

I get it, my dad died when I was 19 and my mam when I was 25 people don't really get it, my sister died a year later and that was really really shit because she was so young. I was at uni when my dad died and friends were nice about it, but realistically they had their own things going on and forgot about it very quickly.

Someone else said it can be the happy times it hit. I actually forgot my mam was dead when I found out I was pregnant and went to ring her even though it's been years.

I know everyone's experience is different and I've heard people give out about people that say it gets easier, that it never gets easier. For me it did. Maybe I am cold hearted but I would say I don't think of them most days. Unless I see something that actively reminds me

I agree. When the people who should love you and care for you unconditionally, don’t do that, it fucks up many parts of your life or at least it can if you don’t get help. Fortunately I did. When you go no contact due to abuse, it’s not a real choice.

But of course, that doesn’t take away from the pain of losing a parent that you loved and who loved you. I’m very close to my children, adults and teenagers and I’m sure when out time comes, they’ll feel our loss very hard.

I do think in both sets of circumstances, you get to be ok with it and time passing really is the key. My friendship group have been a massive help in helping me with having no contact with parents and in supporting our friends who have lost parents they loved. I would say it’s bonded us further rather than opening a chasm. I hope OP finds that in time.

I know exactly how you feel. I'm early 30s and lost my Dad in Jan. I was actually ok (ish) when it happened - he was unwell and had no quality of life in the couple of days before he went. Even coped at the funeral, I had organised most of it and it kept me busy. But I feel worse and worse as time goes on. I feel like I literally have a hole in my chest, and feel actual physical pain when I think about not seeing him again. I love my friends but I'm only really interested in spending time with my family at the moment. I have a friend who lost a parent a couple of years ago and went off the radar for a good year or more - I didn't get it at the time but I absolutely do now.

I think we all turn up with different life experiences.
Things are raw for you now, but whether or not you having living parents does not define who you are.
Everyone has different types of families.
My father died years ago, but my mother and I don't get along, I couldn't imagine going out for lunch with her unless it was unavoidable.
I never had that close mother bond, but I appreciate others do, and that's OK.

I am so sorry for all the losses on this thread.

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss. Its a horrible thing to go through. It will get better eventually. Take care of yourself x i lost my mum last year and most of my family who I used to be close too now don't bother. I feel your situation

I fully sympathise with this post.

I lost my dad suddenly to an undiagnosed heart condition last April, he was 62 and I was 35. I feel totally changed and like I'm on the outside looking in when it comes to friends who still have both parents.

I also have resentment and internally roll my eyes when friends talk about how hard it was losing a grandparent/aunt/uncle whenever I've mentioned my dad etc. I lost my maternal gran 7 years ago and we were so close and deeply deeply connected but she was an 85 year old who had lived a full life and I miss her terribly but the grief is just not the same to the utter shock that it is to lose a parent.

There are certain losses that take you to a particular club and distance to you from others who haven't been through the same. Untimely losses of parents, or a spouse, and the worst club of them all I imagine is the loss of a child.

I think you're right but it's not just losing a parent. There are different things you can experience (in my case losing a baby) and it affects how you relate to other people and how they relate to you. Most people just don't get it unless they've had a loss themselves.

My mum can't do that without making it about her. I don't really raise it anymore because she can't listen or ask without ending by up talking about how much it affected her. I once asked her if he would have liked me and she said no!
So if you can offer some time to your daughters generously that would probably be so welcome.

💐

I think some people are interpreting chasm in the OPs title as a situation happening between the OP and friends - as in being supportive or being distant etc.

But I felt it more as she says in a later sentence - you feel as though you are in a different world, or as a PP said 'out of sync'.

It's a feeling you are having no matter what the other party is doing or how they are interacting with you.

I imagine other people have similar feelings with different life experiences too if they are the only ones in their friendship set going through it - living with cancer, getting a divorce, having children really early or really late etc

It's why support groups can be a real help, in person or online - you get to just be with other people who understand what you're going through because of their experience.

Same. I also had zero support. My mother never once comforted me. It was just expected that she was looking after me so all of the limited support went to her. Go to the doctor - how’s your mum. My father died and I was sitting exams within a few days. Brutal. At a time, when teachers didn’t need to support me because I was leaving and friends just vanished.

A good friend in her mid thirties lost both parents within 3 months of each other just before Christmas. But they were much older parents than yours - I think she was born when they were both in their mid to late thirties. They were both well into their seventies and in bad health when they died.
But your parents were much younger than that which probably adds to you sense of loss.
Mine have both gone now, my dad was just 70 but the loss of losing my mum hit me harder because after that despite having a lovely DH and kids, I felt very alone and on my own.

You are still grieving but one day when you are caught unawares when something reminds you of them - the ache in you heart won’t be there - it will be replaced with a smile.
So sorry OP 💐

I agree.

As women there are many types of life experience that we daon't always share with others. Whether it is parental bereavement, losing a child, miscarriage, abuse, childhood abuse, divorce, violence, trauma, mental health struggles.

We don't need to have experienced exactly the same scenario to have some understanding and empathy with others.
We have all felt pain, and we all feel love.
I can appreciate that some losses are more painful than others, and some I can only have an appreciation of, but that doesn't put people on a different planet.

OP your grief sounds quite new and raw. When we lose someone that takes a long time to process, be gentle with yourself

Same with my father's death.
It was all about my mother, I felt unconsidered, my sadness was not recognised.
But no surprise as my mother is a narcissist. She has zero interest in anyone except herself.

I think people just don't get the loss of a loved one before their time until it happens. It's different with grandparents IME. My brother died when I was 28 and I have felt very isolated from my friends since that happened. The (sad for me in terms of the loneliness of this kind of grief) fact is I doubt any of them will ever be in my position, thankfully. It makes it all the harder to deal with though. People seem to expect you to move on quickly or forget that you're grieving. I'm two years in now and it's still very raw and having a significant impact on my life.

I'm sorry for the loss of your parents OP x

One of my friends just completely distanced herself when i lost my mum. I was angry at the time, then looking back i thought well she just didn't know what to say to me as i was so broken. But no, i saw her again and realised i actually was still angry and dont think i can forgive her for it.

But i do think it puts you in a horrible position of obviously being happy for your friends over things but it is always tinged with a little bit of pain for what we have lost and could have been.
It does get easier to manage but never disappears, well mine hasnt after 5 years.

YES OP the answer to your question is yes.

If you haven't reached that life milestone of a parent dying, you just don't get it.
Before it happened to me, I remember thinking I was being very understanding and empathetic to beareaved friends. I did my best. I look back now and see I really had no idea of what that type of searing bereavement is like.

On a very fundamental level you just don't get it if it hasn't happened to you yet. It's like someone above posted 'life goes on'. No it doesn't for you as the bereaved child and someone who has had that experience just inately understands this.

I found that you can instantly tell when interacting with anyone - friend, relative, total stranger, whether they have had a parent die by what they say to you and how they behave. It's very clear who understands it and who doesn't.

I'm very sorry for you loss. Death is horrible and its a shit time. One day at a time.

I can't really relate having not lost anyone. My mil was lovely and Dh and his 5 sisters were very upset by her passing. We couldn't believe youngest sil work only offered 2 days. I talk to my mum about her will, dying, funeral, how I'll feel without her, because we are incredibly close. My closest friend lost her mum then her dad, and I adored both. None of my other close friends have lost anyone.

Sorry for your loss. I agree no one understands the pain of a significant loss until they have experienced it.

While you are still adjusting to the loss it will be difficult for you to hear life going on for others as normal while yours is far from it.

In time, could be a few months or even years, you will adjust to your new normal again and that chasm will not seem as wide. Try to keep in touch with your friends in the meantime.

I definitely agree there feels like there is a a chasm between you and friends who have not experienced the horror of losing a parent too young. I lost my brother , mother and father and none of them will know how my life played out, my career, highs, lows, who I married, my children, their hopes and hobbies. It’s a brutal fact that I live with every day.