Would you be a SAHP to pre-schoolers if you were financially independent?

[Kitchenette]

Not super-rich but say you had enough capital to pay yourself an income for life equal to your full time earnings.

I’m always interested in SAHP threads on here and the various very reasonable objections people raise to it- that you’re making yourself vulnerable financially while also putting too great a strain on the paid working partner. But say we took money out of it- would you prefer to stay at home or go to work? For the purposes of the poll it’s a binary choice (of course IRL the best answer for many of us would be to work PT).

YABU- I would prefer to be in paid employment
YANBU- I would prefer to be a SAHP

Me- I’ve had periods of SAHM, FT and PT work since my children were born. Binary choice with pre-school children and no money worries-I’d be at home, no question.

@KievsOutTheOven it's funny really because I did have plans of a big career if I'm honest. Also, my DH would've stayed at home to support that if id wanted it enough, but i guess i mustnt have wanted it as much as i thought.

I didn't intend to have DD so young either, but when she came along I just couldn't imagine leaving her with anyone else. Like, i physcially wouldnt have been able to do it. That is probably to do with my upbringing though.

My mum was 35 when she had me (her first), so it's not like young parenthood runs in our family.

Of my high school friends, 5 out of 8 of us have children. I find it very interesting to think around the choices I've made tbh.

Why are the only choices SAHM or working? If I was financially independent, I'd stop working in a heart beat. But Im not sure I'd call myself a SAHM, even when the kids were little as I'd never have been willing to do that as my main activity.

As a working parent, and often also as a SAHP, the biggest challenge is no time for yourself. If I was independently wealthy, that's the greatest gift I could give myself - time. I'd probably ALSO spend more time doing things with and for my children than I do currently as a working parent, but that would just be ONE aspect of how I'd change my life.

I was on my knees by the end of maternity leave. Bored, strung out and generally desperate for adult company. DH on the other hand would have adored being a SAHP. So it utterly depends on the person. For me, I’m a better mother because I work. (I shiver with dread at the thought of my own, utterly wonderful, Mum as a SAHM).

I chose YABU - but only because my DD’s childminder is amazing, and gives her so much more opportunity to do different things and socialise than I’d ever be able to give as a SAHM.

I found it really difficult to make mum friends because of the sheer amount of small talk that’s required in new connections (I have other friends, we just don’t have to spend months on meaningless chit-chat because we already know each other), and because I don’t have friends who have kids in her age group, she doesn’t have any peers through me.

In contrast, my DD’s childminder always has a wide range of group and social activities for the kids, who are lovely together (childminder has a full-time assistant, so they can have 6) … plus she does loads of professional development stuff for herself so she’s get plenty of expertise through experience but has always got fresh ideas too. DD gets to do loads of things she’d never get to do here. The childminder is lovely and supportive to the children and their parents alike, and she’s all-round a brilliant pre-school childcare professional.

I have Asperger’s syndrome, so I’m extremely good at the things I’m good at (one of which is my work), including many aspects of parenting - but I’m never going to be able to be a social butterfly and “fit in”, especially with groups of other women. I’ve learnt throughout my life that making an effort to be part of a group that’s not based on a shared interest usually ends in tears for me, so I just don’t bother trying any more.

The early years are so important, and I wanted DD to have the best possible time, and that wasn’t going to be stuck at home with me. We have lovely times together in the evenings and at weekends, and thanks to me not being a SAHM, she gets to have lovely times all day every day too! 😊(And of course, I get to go to work and do what I’m good at, so I’m happier too, which makes me much better for DD to be around!)

I have a job, not a career.

If I didn't have to work, I wouldn't.

If I was financially stable I’d stay at home but still send the kids to nursery for a few hours a day 😂 best of both worlds!

Of course, I didn't mean to imply that SAHPs aren't capable of using their brains!

But my job requires a lot of technical knowledge and skills which have taken me time to develop. I enjoy it and it is an important part of who I am. Co-ordinating a schedule of baby/toddler groups, and singing Wind the Bobbin Up 400 times did not give me the same stimulation.

You've obviously found your ways to keep your mind active, which is great (I could never have read much in the toddler years as someone was always interrupting me) - but for me, doing my job is that way, with the added bonus of getting paid for it.

I have been a SAHM for both of mine but it has been tight living on one wage. We just worked out if I had of gone back to work, I would have only just made enough for childcare, so rather than paying someone else, we decided I would just do it.

My DH is very much it's our money, so if I did want anything, he wouldn't say no, but I am looking forward to being able to get back to some sort of PT job for some pin money for myself at some point.

I would prefer to work and have my kids in high quality childcare. Unfortunately that wasn’t an option that was available to me. Childcare is super expensive and ate up virtually all of my salary, and it was still shitty low quality group childcare with poorly educated staff in an old school building.

I thought why am I working for pretty much £0 while leaving my kids with people who have no brains and don’t really care about them? So I became a SAHM until they started school. If I was rich I would totally have hired a high quality nanny and kept working.

Yes.

As do I! Even things like choosing a partner and the impact that has on the trajectory of your life. I have a “good” partner, but what would have happened if I chose a different, but equally good, partner?

And all the tiny, seemingly inconsequential decisions - are they really inconsequential? For example, if I hadn’t chose to go to the party I went to when I met my partner, I wouldn’t have the same life I do now.

It is a mindfuck!

I gave up a good career, which I did alot of qualifications for, to be a SAHM. I was so invested in my work I can't see me having been able to meet my child's needs as well.
I'm 52 with a 7 year old. It's the right thing to do for our family, for a variety of reasons including being an adoptive family with additional needs which are invisible to others so are not seen as a reason to be at home. I am constantly judged and still asked 6 years in when I'm going back to work.
We're not rich, but we can enjoy luxuries when we want. We don't go on expensive holidays sometimes no holidays. We live a simple life. Husband works a lot from home. He was willing to be the parent at home, but as is often the case, he is the higher earner, so it made sense.
Our perspective is that we chose to have our child, she benefits greatly from having me available, and the flexibility and lack of stress that comes from me not working. We are lucky to be able to do this but went into family life with the intention that we have a parent at home if needed.
As for the role model thing. We speak about my previous work, different types of families that have different needs and priorities. She won't grow up ignorant of life choices people can make.
If I was in my thirties, I likely would not have given up work and wouldn't have been in a position to do so.
This is 100% the right thing for us but that doesn't mean I don't question my decision often,especially now she's at school. But the needs are still there and I am happy to focus on her for the next few years.
People need to make their own decisions for their family. That's it really.

I think it depends what you mean by 'financially stable', though. If that stability means reliance upon your partner then that's no good, in my opinion.

A couple of my friends could not wait to stop working - it was pretty much their 'career' goal: do something until a man comes along who can support you, have children with them, then make sure never to work again. It backfired quite spectacularly for one of them (who's convinced she wasn't to blame for not seeing what might go wrong with that plan.)

I do think it's the not having to make the effort to go out to work that incentivises some people rather than particularly wanting to look after DCs.

Ooh Thank you! 😊 Most of the time I don't feel wise! These threads are good for reflecting on your choices whilst hearing very different views and choices.

No.

I love my career. Not going back to it post kids never even entered my head. I'm not sure why it would, it certainly didn't enter their dad's

Im also not a single parent. I didn't have kids alone and had no intention of being the default parent or the pcg. We had kids with the intention of being equal parents

Ive always spent lots if quality time with my kids. I don't see the need to be with them 24/7. It is possible to love spending time with your kids and want a balance of doing other things.

Ive never seen not working as the ideal. I'm not sure why anyone does.

Would anyone ask the question in the op of men?

What do you think the answer would be?

I chose to be a SAHM but DH was happy to do it if I chose not to. He has taken a step down in his career too so we can both be around more while our DC is small. It's such a short time and we waited so long for it, wouldn't waste it working unless we had absolutely no choice.
We aren't well off at all but we make ends meet and cut our cloth accordingly. No judgement on what anyone else does but this works for us.

No way. I'm on mat leave right now with a 5 week old and a toddler. The toddler is at nursery 3 days pw but the 2 days I have both is comically more exhausting - mentally and physically - than my fairly senior, well paid corporate job. I would probably go part time but never ever be a SAHP. I couldn't cope with the house and kids being seen as all my job.

@WandaWonder if you had money coming in, why would you need to volunteer to feel you were "standing on your own two feet"?

No way. I love working and need the routine, structure, interaction with other people and the satisfaction of knowing I've done a good job. I was a SAHM for 3 years and really didn't like it.

I'm a SAHM to school-aged children, and I'm not financially independent. I m married though, and DS2 has some significant disabilities that would make working near impossible anyway, but I'd do it again regardless. I loved being a SAHM when they were little, and it certainly makes all our lives better and easier to have me at home even now they're older.

I don't really care that it's 'not secure,' it's more secure than a job would be.

That's pretty offensive to people who work in childcare?! Yes, the pay is awful, but we found (having used nursery from 12 months until school-age) that the staff were definitely not without brains(?!), they were engaged, loved babies and small children and had myriad skills and ideas that DD benefitted from immensely.

They did activities with the kids that it would never have occurred to me to do at home, and encouraged her to try new things.

And it also meant, as we're without family support, that she had plenty d other interested and engaged adults in her life rather than just me and DH.

SAHM. Daycare is bad for babies & very small children. People can keep deluding themselves but the evidence is in.

criticalscience.medium.com/on-the-science-of-daycare-4d1ab4c2efb4

I have a successful career and love my work. I loved the 3 years I took out with DC1 more though. It is trickier to do the same with DC2, but I will not work much until she is in preschool, just around 6 hours a week. My partner can cover that easily, we worked from home so it is easy to manage.

I will never work full time again, but will eventually work school hours Mon to Thurs. Friday for life admin and me time. If I was independently wealthy, I would do less but still work the 6 hours weekly.