to plait DS hair..?

[ukholidayseeker]

DS ran his hand down my plaited hair and said it felt nice. I said that his hair is now long enough, would he like a plait? DS said yes, one down each side of his head.

It was bedtime and we were in his room. He is 9. We were having a giggle.

DH walks in to read story and looks at DS. He is obviously not happy and throws me a look that could kill.

Atmosphere completely changes. DH says "you have issues." He pretty much spits these words out at me. DS immediately takes plaits out.

DH continues to tell me I have issues and then clarifies to DS that he doesn't mean him but he means mummy. "Mummy has issues". Again he spoke with such disgust.

I told DS that his hair was now knot free and smooth to try to say something nice. I tucked him in and said goodnight. I left his bedroom.

DH reappeared into lounge later and I told him that he wasn't to speak to me like that in front of DS, and especially in son's bedroom. He already knows we argue elsewhere so could we at least respect his own bedroom and keep our marital problems out of his space.

DH said he was mortified that I instigated the plaits and said I have major issues and was trying to express my desire for a daughter on my son. I have NEVER said I'd like or prefer a daughter and this isn't how I feel anyway.

He said he hates all this gender fluid woke bullshit and wants his son to be raised in his image! He said I've raised our children too wet and have always resisted against him shouting at them.

I said that plaiting sons hair isn't a big deal and there was no harm in him trying something out.

I said I've never even mentioned gender or stereotypes around hair to DS. Lots of boys at his school have longish hair tied up.

Anyway DH was furious and made me feel like I'd done something disgusting to our son. He even said that me suggesting plaits was inappropriate.

I said we'd have to agree to disagree and moving on, you can't speak to me like that in front of him and if he was so appalled then he would have spoken to me in the lounge and not in DS room.

He brought up a load of other times that we've argued and I eventually got him to agree that we don't have an argument or cross word with each other in our children's bedrooms.

The AIBU isn't about how he spoke to me. I already know he was completely unreasonable to speak to me the way he did in front of our child (or at all but that's another thing).

AIBU to plait my son's hair? Am I a freak with major issues as my DH tells me I am? He also said I am a twat and a weirdo.

I honestly don't see any harm in plaiting DS's hair to see what it's like. I will always let the kids try out whatever they like. Thank you reading as it's a long one. I feel very sad about how different our parenting styles have become.

Jason Momoa terribly un-manly. Also a great father.

But back to you- i hope you have a plan to escape your horrendous relationship

The problem with gender fluidity is not children, its adults. Children don't see the "opposite gender sterotype=bad". They get that from their parents/their society. There is nothing unhealthy in having plaits. Or painting nails. Or girls wearing trousers...
Where people try to derail talking about "girls shoving socks down their trousers" - implying they want a penis it tries to turn it into a completely different debate. That is about not whether they feel their body is the right one. And whether you believe that is pushed on them by adults or comes from within them is completely irrelevant to this thread. And exactly what your husband is trying to do. Turn something relatively simple and not gendered and make it into a massive and unrelated issues.
I like plaits feel nice because they make your hair smooth. When I wear them I look like a know so I save them for home.

I like that plaits feel nice because they make your hair smooth. When I wear them I look like a KNOB so I save them for home.🙄

Admittedly not a plait, I don't seem to have any photos of his plaits. But here's DS' hair. If he wanted to wear a skirt he could. He has dungarees from the ladies section in H&M.

And having plaits/ long hair/ whatever is nothing to do with being gender fluid.
My son is a boy who happens to have long hair.

Ach give over!

My son has shoulder length curls, most he'll let me do is trim it, the odd time he says yes to a haircut I get it shorter but he's adamant he wants longer hair. He loves rainbows and has several dresses in his dressing up box that's he insisted on having.

He also has every marvel character, an entire armoury of toy swords and ninja weapons, cars, is obsessed with mario etc. He's 5. Sometimes he wears a hairband of mine because it makes him look like a ninja.

You think I should tell him no to rainbows and unicorns because drag queens exist? Have a word with yourself.

I have a boy and a girl, letting my some ear his hair as he pleases is nothing to do with me wanting a girl. I have a girl. I also have a boy. They are who they are and if he asks for plaits and she asks for dinosaurs then 🤷

He's also incidentally extremely popular, invited to every birthday party, boys and girls and goes to football training where he has a band of boy pals with an array of interesting hairstyles.

How is that even remotely similar for goodness sake? He had plaits in his hair, he didn't dress or pretend to be a different gender.
How you can even suggest that plaited hair and stuffing socks in lieu of a penis are the same thing is beyond me.....

@cpphelp My son has his hair like the attached photo today, he wears a traditional plait most days, but sometimes fancies a change. I’m rocking the dreaded man bun today, we also wear a type of dress on a regular basis. We somehow haven’t exploded.

Total false equivalency, the equivalent to a boy in plaits is probably a girl with a short back and sides. Which would be fine, both issues being non traditional hair styles by gender.

The sock issue you describe involves genitals, the equivalent would be if op had been encouraging her son to tuck his genitals between his legs a la silence of the lambs. I doubt many of us would have thought that was a great idea.

Your hysteria is ridiculous

Love that look!
OP your husband has issues not you, what a complete over reaction, your poor son to be put in that position. He sounds like he's a bit of a bullying arse though between that and what he said about not being allowed to shout at them.

Man braids are quite the thing it seems, Jared Leto, Harry Styles, Jason Mamoa. While I'm not keen on the idea of pigtails on boys, I really like this look,

It's your dh that has issues, not you.

As for plaiting your ds hair, yanbu

The plaits aren't permanent, they were a bit of fun before bed, surely no different to spiking your hair into a mohawk in the shower?

When DS was 2/3 and I'd paint my toenails in the summer, he'd always want his done too. We'd quite often do one or two of DHs too. It's just not a thing that any of us saw a problem with. For DH it was a bit of a laugh, for DS it was copying his mummy and I just like my toenails painted. Nothing sexual, nothing 'woke' about it.

I consider this much the same.

That said, my friend had a very strange reaction to seeing my DS with painted toenails. The first thing she asked was whether DH knew I had done that and if he was okay with it. When I laughed and told her that I'd done his as well she looked utterly gobsmacked. No way would her husband put up with that, but funnily enough, he plaits his beard.

So, you think plaits are the same as a fake penis?

Your husband is a nasty bully.

For saying that, but more so for telling his 9 year old son that mum has issues. It's playing mind games and rejecting people's autonomy.

It also sounds like your son is scared of him.

For both of your mental health, please consider your longer term plans. You don't have to put up with that and your poor son shouldn't have to either.

My DS(8) has a chin-length bob and I put the top into a French plait to keep it out of his eyes for school/sports. DH thinks it doesn't suit him but he'd never say anything to DS directly, or to me in front of him, because he respects that it's DS's hair and if he's happy with it, then it's nobody else's business.

Your husband is the one with the issues.

Zarqon · Today 10:57

As soon as I read the title I knew you didn’t have a daughter and that it was you who suggested the plaits. I’m going to disagree with everyone and say that you also were in the wrong here.

Oh, get over yourself, you great spoon!

I don't know anything else about your situation but off of this divorce him. Not just for you, but for your son to. This thing about "raising him in his image" is horrendus, your son will grow up traumatized and not happy at all. You're a great mother for letting him express himself, how on dear god is wearing plaits a bad thing?? He's a genuine asshole.

YANBU for plaiting your son's hair. And you're not being a twat or a weirdo, that's him. He doesn't seem like a loving husband or father at all.

ukholidayseeker

DH = Despicable Herbert?

He sounds like a bloody awful wanker, who is projecting his own insecurities onto your son. You need to act, either to make him wind his nasty neck in, or to get rid of him. Your son will be taking unconscious cues from him, of how to behave with women.

I went to a classical concert a few years ago where the totally brilliant violinist had plaited his beard and had some sparkly gems in it. It lloked fantastic and I happen to know he is in a heterosexual relationship.

The nickname for sailors in the olden days was Jacky Tar because they would plait their hair to keep it tidy, then coat it in tar to keep it that way.

YANBU. Kids don’t generally seem to care about this stuff and I feel like most are going to be much less worried about their gender if they are free to style themselves however they like regardless of their sex. One of my daughters has a very short haircut (similar to photo) and prefers joggers/hoodies to anything else clothing wise. She may want to wear dresses again or to grow her hair out when she’s bigger or may want to stay in joggers forever barring times she needs to be dressed smartly for something and decide to shave her head. Really why do some people care so blummin much about it. Mine are 6 & 8 and plenty of the boys at school wear dresses on occasion or have long hair. No one makes a thing of it and the world is not going to end as a result. If our kids manage to be less obsessed about fitting stereotypes that can surely only be for the good.

My son is 9, mixed race, has long hair through choice, wears plaits. It's very cultural for some for boys to wear plaits all the time, especially with Afro hair. This is a very strange reaction to a hairstyle..

I wouldn't want my boy raised by this type of man to be honest. It's our responsibility as parents to raise our boys to be themselves and break the cycle. It's hardly like the 'macho' way of raising boys has worked for far has it.

I really appreciate all the photos - thank you!! I've managed to speak to a friend in RL to help untangle the mess in my head.

Your Dh would have not been happy with my 10 yr old son yesterday then
it was a bring and buy sale at school and my son came home wearing a Wonder Woman dress and was disappointed that he didn’t get the blue dress as one of the other boys bought it😄
My Dh just rolled his eyes at him and said nothing
He is our youngest son we have 3 older sons and a younger Dd so tbh we’ve seen it all before😂

Raised in his image... Wtaf

That’s a lot of toxic masculinity your DH was spouting.

There’s nothing wrong with plaiting someone’s hair just because they’re male. And there’s nothing gender fluid about it. It would be gender fluid to assume that having your hair in a particular style meant you felt like you were female. Otherwise it’s just about your hair being tied a particular way and has no bearing on whether you think of yourself as male or female.

I have two adult sons and one little grandson. Both my sons have had long hair, and DS1's looked awesome in viking plaits in his teens ... he's still sporting an amazing tash (and sometimes beard) but the long hair is a thing of the past thanks to inheriting his dad's genetics.

Grandson has a long ponytail, and sometimes we do viking side plaits. My son-in law is growing his own to match.

No agenda (or gender agenda!) we just happen to let everyone choose their own hair styles. If my girls had wanted a buzz cut the same would apply.

Your dh is a prize misogynistic twat.