to plait DS hair..?

[ukholidayseeker]

DS ran his hand down my plaited hair and said it felt nice. I said that his hair is now long enough, would he like a plait? DS said yes, one down each side of his head.

It was bedtime and we were in his room. He is 9. We were having a giggle.

DH walks in to read story and looks at DS. He is obviously not happy and throws me a look that could kill.

Atmosphere completely changes. DH says "you have issues." He pretty much spits these words out at me. DS immediately takes plaits out.

DH continues to tell me I have issues and then clarifies to DS that he doesn't mean him but he means mummy. "Mummy has issues". Again he spoke with such disgust.

I told DS that his hair was now knot free and smooth to try to say something nice. I tucked him in and said goodnight. I left his bedroom.

DH reappeared into lounge later and I told him that he wasn't to speak to me like that in front of DS, and especially in son's bedroom. He already knows we argue elsewhere so could we at least respect his own bedroom and keep our marital problems out of his space.

DH said he was mortified that I instigated the plaits and said I have major issues and was trying to express my desire for a daughter on my son. I have NEVER said I'd like or prefer a daughter and this isn't how I feel anyway.

He said he hates all this gender fluid woke bullshit and wants his son to be raised in his image! He said I've raised our children too wet and have always resisted against him shouting at them.

I said that plaiting sons hair isn't a big deal and there was no harm in him trying something out.

I said I've never even mentioned gender or stereotypes around hair to DS. Lots of boys at his school have longish hair tied up.

Anyway DH was furious and made me feel like I'd done something disgusting to our son. He even said that me suggesting plaits was inappropriate.

I said we'd have to agree to disagree and moving on, you can't speak to me like that in front of him and if he was so appalled then he would have spoken to me in the lounge and not in DS room.

He brought up a load of other times that we've argued and I eventually got him to agree that we don't have an argument or cross word with each other in our children's bedrooms.

The AIBU isn't about how he spoke to me. I already know he was completely unreasonable to speak to me the way he did in front of our child (or at all but that's another thing).

AIBU to plait my son's hair? Am I a freak with major issues as my DH tells me I am? He also said I am a twat and a weirdo.

I honestly don't see any harm in plaiting DS's hair to see what it's like. I will always let the kids try out whatever they like. Thank you reading as it's a long one. I feel very sad about how different our parenting styles have become.

AIBU to plait my son's hair? Am I a freak with major issues as my DH tells me I am? He also said I am a twat and a weirdo.

He's awful. That's a horrible way to speak to you infront of your ds and at the root of it he is misogynistic and homophobic where is where its stemming from. Personally would really struggle to parent with someone with such different core values to me. Are you not a bit worried about the impact of his approach on your ds? Obviously he's getting really good nurturing interaction from you, but your husbands approach is pretty harmful. How would he react if your ds told him he gay in future?

I agree but it was aimed at me.

I think your only ‘issue’ is being married to such a narrow-minded, bigoted man. Not someone I’d want to be raising children with. I hope you had/have the conversation with your son that he has the right to do whatever he wants with his hair …… if you don’t, he might grow with the same beliefs as his father 🙁.

I think you deliberately plaited his hair knowing what sort of a reaction it would get from your husband OP. I also think you know what you re doing on this thread and it serves your purpose.
Men can do what the hell they like with their hair but there is more to this than just hair.
That's what I think

This is awful. I've got two boys and two girls, mostly grown up but I've always emigrated them to dress how they want and my subs have gloriously long hair. They have had their nails painted and their sisters have dove their make up " just because". My DNephew is a very tall heavily built 10 yo with long flowing auburn locks and he plays rugby wearing braids and pony tails. Not a single rugby player, team mate, parent, etc have EVER said anything negative to him.

Your "DH" Is an absolute cock and honestly, in your shoes, I'd be getting rid of the arsehole. HE is what is toxic, projecting his own insecurities into you and your children

He’s in the wrong. He shouldn’t talk to you like that in front of your ds

If he wanted to talk about it calmly after if so important then that’s fine

Oh my. What a horrible man you have had children with. I know it’s easy for me to to say, but ltb!

I agree with the pp who said a little comment back would have probably been better for your son, just to show that his father cannot and must not talk to you like that. It would also validates your son’s desire to try out plaits. It’s so sad that he knew immediately what his dad’s problem was and removed the plaits.

I completely get why you don’t want to argue in your son’s bedroom. However, I would and do always defend my kids, no matter to whom.

How long is your child's hair? I am assuming that as it was long enough to plait then is is fairly long. Is your husband ok with him having long hair as long as it isnt in a style?

Is there some drip feeding here as it seems to be quite the over-reaction to a plait at bedtime.

As soon as I read the title I knew you didn’t have a daughter and that it was you who suggested the plaits.

I’m going to disagree with everyone and say that you also were in the wrong here. Obviously your DH’s reaction was awful, but you didn’t ask for views on that. On you suggesting that your son wear plaits, yes you were wrong because of the social context. Ok: plaits are worn by Sikhs, Native Americans, Vikings, Seventies men and celebrities, but your son is not one of those. Your son is a British boy in an era where drag queens go into schools and gentle boys are encouraged to consider themselves a ‘Femboy’ (google it). In this context it was naive and self-indulgent of you to suggest the plaits and risks confusing your son about what is normal in his culture. My answer might be different if your DS was begging for plaits but he wasn’t, this came from you.

Wow, @Zarqon 😳

@Zarqon
Agree with this.

9yr old boy? With hair long enough to plait and a mother who things this is a great "giggle"?
Nah, I'm with your husband.

@Zarqon with you

I agree. His silly attitude to hair is just the tip of the iceberg. Under that is his contempt and abuse aimed at you, and the implicit threats towards your children if they dare to disagree with him. Toxic masculinity in its frighteningly blatant form.

Sorry but your DH is a twat. If DS wants his hair plated then what is the issue?
My DS a little bit younger than yours had hair that is almost long enough to be plated which he can't wait to try as it will keep it out of his face whilst playing rugby 😁
Honestly, hair is just hair why does your DH care so much?

I remember my DC plaiting my OH's hair!

Your OH is being ridiculous.

I'd really love to see all the parents on here who happily dress their boys in skirts and dresses and plait their hair stand forwards.... it must be SO much easier to be cool and with it when it's not your son going to school in a skirt.

I mean, COME ON!!!!!! How many people REALLY in real life passively let this happen?

What if your husband decided to start dressing as a woman? Would you be keen for him to do the school run and carry on with double dates? Please!

For the record, I'd have loved a girl. I am lucky to have three boys though, and I've zero desire to encourage the poor kids into dresses 😂

If this post gets me deleted from MN, then I'm okay with that... but I KNOW that many will agree with me.
Perms were fashionable... we didn't all have them!!

YANBU. My EXDH had the same reaction when DS wanted his nails painted (because his older sisters had them)

He genuinely thought he was going to turn Gay by wearing it - idiot.

Why are men so afraid of their child being gay?

I think that one of the reasons that we have such a problem with young people questioning their gender is because they do not want to be thought of in stereotypes - they want to dress how they like and pursue interests that they enjoy without ridicule. It is not necessarily that that they want to BE the opposite gender, they just want to be released from the strait-jacket of the stereotypes - and who can blame them? Clearly some do genuinely have gender dysphoria and need the appropriate help, but life for them too would be easier if we could shake off the stereotypes.

This little boy and his Mum played around with plaits at bedtime - where is the harm in that? The harm is in her OH's reaction - what message is this sending out to his son? He can't unhear this, or unsee the body language - poor kid is stuck with this now.

Would you feel the same if your daughter stuffed a sock down her pants and your husband/partner said yeah, go for It, it's just a giggle?
It's not about homosexuality.

He’s a horrible partner and father. You will spend your life trying to minimise the damage this man is doing to your son.

I wouldn’t continue in a relationship with him....and I’d hope he’d slowly faded out of my child’s life.

He said he hates all this gender fluid woke bullshit

He'll fit in nicely on mumsnet but can't wait to see him rippped to shreds instead because a dh has said so.

Have you actually read any threads on Mumsnet?

DH can wear what he likes as long he isn't telling me that he is actually a woman and mum to our children.

Clothes are just clothes. I'm gender critical and don't think boys can become girls and via versa. But at the same time I'm not going to stop my kids wearing what ever they like. Why should they have to be stuck to gendered stereotypes which is social bullshit?

Wtf how is pretending you have male genitalia the same as painting your nails?!