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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drive the kids four times a year?

57 replies

knobheadex · 09/03/2023 22:43

I'm divorced and live an hour away from my exhusband. We both moved half an hour away from the marital home in opposite directions. Since he's moved in with his new girlfriend he'll only make time for his three children when she's out of town. He expects me to drive them to his new place he shares with her (a two hour round trip) for a maximum of 24 hours about once every 4 months. He's been messaging our children to explain to them how unreasonable I am for not complying. Am I?

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 09/03/2023 22:44

Absolutely fucking not!! Once every few months for 24hrs.....is he for real??

Youfeelme · 09/03/2023 22:52

Forget about who drives who, he sees his kids 4 times a year? That's it?

BlueSeaWave · 09/03/2023 22:54

4x a year and he can’t be fucked to come and get them? OP YANBU in any way at all. How old are your kids?

Redglitter · 09/03/2023 23:01

Youd be a mug to give into him. He only sees his children 4 times a year & expects you to drop them off? Fuck that.

Next time he decides he can fit them into his new life. Just ask what time you can expect him so the children are ready & repeat as often as necessary.

Hes a poor excuse for a father. Your kids aren't exactly missing out on a lot if he won't get off his atse & come for them

Don't allow him to manipulate you

CantStopWontStop0 · 09/03/2023 23:02

Of course YANBU.

The burden shouldn't be on you as the primary caregiver.

JudgeRudy · 09/03/2023 23:03

Shame on him! Your poor children. 😕 How old are they? Any chance you could have a conversation with him with your children present, even if it's by telephone. Are they old enough to go in a taxi if he won't collect them.
Could you do a compromise and take them, and he drops them off? Not for 24hrs though. You take them on Friday evening and he drops them off at yours Sunday teatime. It's not great but it's something. If he won't agree to that you need to be as honest as you dare with the children and let them draw their own conclusion

JudgeRudy · 09/03/2023 23:06

JudgeRudy · 09/03/2023 23:03

Shame on him! Your poor children. 😕 How old are they? Any chance you could have a conversation with him with your children present, even if it's by telephone. Are they old enough to go in a taxi if he won't collect them.
Could you do a compromise and take them, and he drops them off? Not for 24hrs though. You take them on Friday evening and he drops them off at yours Sunday teatime. It's not great but it's something. If he won't agree to that you need to be as honest as you dare with the children and let them draw their own conclusion

Oh and you make sure you're not available in case he tries to hit you with "somethings come up Friday" or " I'm going to be a bit early Sunday. Is 11 ok"

MissBattleaxe · 09/03/2023 23:07

Wow! He Summons his kids 4 times a year and expects them to be brought to him? Fuck that

PizzaPastaWine · 09/03/2023 23:09

How old are your DC OP?

Does he drive?

Thisismeyeah · 09/03/2023 23:43

Does he drive?

Original poster
knobheadex · 10/03/2023 08:58

Yes he drives. He's always been lazy and selfish.
The children are 12 (realises Daddy doesn't care and doesn't seem to want to see him), 9 (always wanting to know why Daddy hasn't been to collect him for months, often asks me why I can't just drive him over there after text conversations with his dad where he blames me) and 7 (easy going and generally doesn't seem to mind much but talks fondly of Daddy).
I just don't understand him at all. If I hadn't seen my kids for 4 months I'd walk. Nothing would stop me from getting to them.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 10/03/2023 09:04

Offer to meet halfway for the sake of the children?

carriedout · 10/03/2023 09:09

I would offer to do half the driving for the sake of appearances. That could either be you do drop off he brings them back or you meet half way. If he is a game playing twat I would meet half way.

The advice is do not lie to your children but do not slag their father off. Stick to facts and focus on how they feel about things. Be ultra reliable and supportive to help make up for it but do not say you are making up for it.

'Dad has asked to see you four times a year' is a fact. 'Your dad doesn't want to see you more than four times per year' is not OK. Kids are not thick. By secondary school they know what's what.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 10/03/2023 09:37

He is an idiot.
However, I have had several close friends in similar circs. When he went low, they went high. For the sake of the trip 4 times a year, you maintain the high ground. Soon enough the younger ones will realise what's what.

Original poster
knobheadex · 10/03/2023 09:48

So I am BU? Sad I'll consider dropping them off but the whole thing really pisses me off. He'll only discuss having his children if it's a school day the following morning. So once roughly every 4 months he wants me to pack three kids and a baby in to the car to and make the trip over to his. The kids are then fed dinner and put upstairs by 7pm. He doesn't do anything with them, mainly because it would be late enough in the day when he receives them to just have time for dinner and bed. Then he would get the kids up early to drive them back over here and drop off at school at 8.40am.
I don't relish the idea of assisting him to see his children at all. I mean...it's three times a year, not much of an ask surely? If he was taking his children for an extended weekend and actually doing activities with them I've told him that I would drop off and collect. But I don't want to drive over there just so he can put the kids in their bedrooms and carry on pretending they don't exist.

OP posts:
GoldilocksIsALittleSod · 10/03/2023 09:49

Tell him you're not a fucking delivery service!
Is he paying CM? Because if he wants them gift wrapped and hand delivered he needs to be paying a lot more for your fuel and time.
If you are feeling kind you could offer to meet him half way (exactly half way, you are not meeting him a mile closer to his than yours!)
He is a lazy sod and he enjoys messing with your boundaries knowing you will most likely cave for your children.

feelinglikeanewparent · 10/03/2023 10:00

Don't do it. Your kids will soon work it out for themselves

gogohmm · 10/03/2023 10:14

As you both moved one should ick up then vice versa or meet half way

EnidSinclair · 10/03/2023 10:25

OP if you are going to compromise then I would offer to do it the other way round so that he picks them up from yours and then you go over and collect them from his to bring them home. Otherwise you can bet that he’ll make a lot of noise about bringing them home and you’ll end up doing that leg anyway!

anotheropinion · 10/03/2023 10:31

Hang on. So he IS offering to do half the driving. You just want him to do both directions, despite the fact you both moved away.

So it's two hours driving, in a 50:50 share of transport, once every 4 months. This really could be a lot worse.

amylou8 · 10/03/2023 11:00

I wouldn't do it. It's his contract and it's his responsibility to collect and return them. The only time I'd say this doesn't apply is if you have moved more than an hour away. Shocked he only sees them for 4 days a year!

TheGoogleMum · 10/03/2023 11:01

Yes he's a rubbish dad but I think for the sake of the kids best to just do the drop off as he brings them back. It's a shame he doesn't want any quality time with them just an evening and early morning. As others have said I'm sure they'll work it out

Isheabastard · 10/03/2023 11:08

Is there any chance that if you do compromise and drive them over, and he drives them to school the kids will start to see how unsatisfactory this is for them and realise it’s all about him, not them.

It means playing the longer game and will be annoying as fuck for you.

Princessbananahamock · 10/03/2023 11:55

Omg I could write your post word for word. He only sees them when his girlfriend is away!
my ex last saw his children before Xmas last year. I don’t expect he will see them til Easter time. He is so busy and important to make space in his glorious life but can find the time to have a wkend away in London!
I used to drive them there not anymore I might add.II felt that if he cannot make the space and time in his life for them he didn’t deserve any effort from me.
Your ex comes across as an entitled arrogant fucking cunt.
As for posters very well meaning posts stating you moved as well or it’s only 4 times a year. Well for goodness what about the other 360 bloody days of the year! when the op drives them to school to clubs holidays I could go on. Dentist /dr appointments.
Also op my ex says the same crap to my kids , my eldest caught a train to his. Here’s the great bit he fucked off out to work all day left her alone at his house. She phoned me and I had to go get her unbelievable.

LaurieFairyCake · 10/03/2023 12:08

Er.... no!

If he's only going to see them 3 times a year of course he can do 6 HOURS DRIVING TOTAL OVER THE YEAR !

How many hours are you driving and doing EVERYTHING for them over the whole year Hmm

WHAT. A. CUNT

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