Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drive the kids four times a year?

57 replies

knobheadex · 09/03/2023 22:43

I'm divorced and live an hour away from my exhusband. We both moved half an hour away from the marital home in opposite directions. Since he's moved in with his new girlfriend he'll only make time for his three children when she's out of town. He expects me to drive them to his new place he shares with her (a two hour round trip) for a maximum of 24 hours about once every 4 months. He's been messaging our children to explain to them how unreasonable I am for not complying. Am I?

OP posts:
Everycloud23 · 10/03/2023 12:14

I would do one way if I were you.

Aftjbtibg · 10/03/2023 12:20

Such shitty behaviour; based on going after school like that i wouldn’t as I don’t see the benefit of it for the kids. If they really wanted to then I would but sounds like they’re not necessarily too bothered.

Humanwoman · 10/03/2023 12:24

What benefit is there to the children to visit him 4 times a year?
He is not a constant stable influence in their life, he is not there when needed.
I know these threads tend to go the way of well he is their dad you ought to facilitate but why.
As to what I would tell the dc it would be along the lines of he knows where you are and when you are available. Why not ask dad when can he come and get you?
If they ask why you won't take them, just say sorry it's not my job. Dad will come and get you when he can.

forrestgreen · 10/03/2023 12:28

Tell the kids it's only fair to share.
So you've offered to collect them. Dad can pick you up anytime.

MrsCarson · 10/03/2023 12:36

Don't drop them off, he'll call with some excuse why you'll have to come back for them at some point during their visit.
If he wants to see them he can come and get them and you go pick them up after. It guarantees he will do half the driving at least.

ManchesterGirl2 · 10/03/2023 12:46

You are not being unreasonable! But depending on the consequences, I might do it or offer half and half for the kids sake. Not for his sake.

BaconMassive · 10/03/2023 12:46

Amazed he had the energy to procreate 3 times to be honest.

SomePeopleAreJustBloodyStupid · 10/03/2023 12:47

Youfeelme · 09/03/2023 22:52

Forget about who drives who, he sees his kids 4 times a year? That's it?

this

StalkedByASpider · 10/03/2023 13:02

knobheadex · 10/03/2023 09:48

So I am BU? Sad I'll consider dropping them off but the whole thing really pisses me off. He'll only discuss having his children if it's a school day the following morning. So once roughly every 4 months he wants me to pack three kids and a baby in to the car to and make the trip over to his. The kids are then fed dinner and put upstairs by 7pm. He doesn't do anything with them, mainly because it would be late enough in the day when he receives them to just have time for dinner and bed. Then he would get the kids up early to drive them back over here and drop off at school at 8.40am.
I don't relish the idea of assisting him to see his children at all. I mean...it's three times a year, not much of an ask surely? If he was taking his children for an extended weekend and actually doing activities with them I've told him that I would drop off and collect. But I don't want to drive over there just so he can put the kids in their bedrooms and carry on pretending they don't exist.

Aaah - so actually, he wants you to do HALF of the driving, not all of it. You're dropping the kids there, he's dropping them back to school in the morning.

Sorry OP, I think that's fair.

You both moved away a similar distance so it seems reasonable that you split the driving 50/50. You want him to do all the driving? That doesn't seem fair, no.

The fact that he only sees them 3-4 times a year is a completely different issue, and of course that's absolutely disgusting. As is the fact that he barely bothers with them once they're there.

But you admit you don't want to facilitate the visits, and I think that's unfair on the kids. He's obviously a shit dad but you both moved away so it's fair enough to share the journey 50/50.

I do hope he's paying you maintenance. And I'm sure all the DC will realise what a shit bag he is once they're older. Just don't give him any reason to pin it on you.

MatildaJayne · 10/03/2023 13:20

You aren't unreasonable that he's a complete arse, but I'd take the moral high ground, drop them off once every 3 months for the sake of your kids, not for him.

Humanwoman · 10/03/2023 13:36

@MatildaJayne but what do the children gain from this arrangement?

Hankunamatata · 10/03/2023 13:49

I think its fair enough you drop them off and he brings them back. At least your not waiting half way for him to turn up. On plus side its only 4 times a year as your ex is a twat

Nevermind31 · 10/03/2023 13:54

given the amount of his input I wouldn’t bother doing anything to facilitate contact

PizzaPastaWine · 10/03/2023 13:58

No doubt he's lacking in the parenting department but as a previous poster said that's a different issue.

Yes it's an inconvenience but you're really not facilitating a relationship for your DCs with their DF. Besides, if you stop this their relationship is only going to deteriorate further. This isn't in the best interests of your DC.

YABU

SherryPalmer · 10/03/2023 13:59

Those suggesting that 50:50 on the driving is the only fair solution are clearly forgetting that she’s doing nearly 100% of everything else.

Also, putting the kids through four hours of driving for such a short stay is ridiculous. I also would feel like it wasn’t worth the effort.

As a child of divorced parents, I’d rather my dad had got slagged off a bit than feeling gaslit that my dad gave a shit when he so clearly didn’t.

thedogsmum · 10/03/2023 14:38

Ridiculous that he only sees them for one night every 4 months.

If it was a more frequent I think 50/50 on drop offs would be reasonable, but if he won't see his kids more often then that he should make the effort to pick them up.

HurryShadow · 10/03/2023 15:54

Thinking sensibly on this, you both moved half an hour in opposite directions. It would be fair for you each to do one journey each - either you drop them off with him and he returns them, or vice versa.

That said, his "my children come second fiddle to my girlfriend" attitude would lead me to being very resistant in complying with even that though. All you can do is tell the kids that you're not stopping him from seeing them - he's more than capable of coming to pick them up. If he chooses not to, then that's on him, not you.

I was watching a lady on TikTok that shares custody of her daughter with her ex, despite her living in the Netherlands and him in the USA. She's just spent $1,600 getting herself a flight over to the US to pick her daughter up and take her back to the NL, despite her daughter being old enough to travel unaccompanied. She does it because she loves her daughter and wants to spend as much time as possible with her.

Your poor kids having an arse for a Dad!

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 10/03/2023 15:57

this is so sad. I think you should probably drop them through, even though its rubbish and unfair. You don't want them to remember how you "stopped them from seeing him".

God what a prick tho. I would walk over broken glass to see my children I can't understand his mindset at all.

Scienceadvisory · 10/03/2023 16:05

@StalkedByASpider you really think it's fair that on top of being sole carer for 361 days of the year the OP should do half of the travelling for contact? Wow, you have incredibly low standards for men. The OP probably does more driving for the kids in 1 week than this pathetic excuse for a man would do in a year.

Original poster
knobheadex · 10/03/2023 16:09

Thank you all for your replies, it's given me plenty to think about.

I've always tried to encourage the kid's dad to see them as much as possible. Originally after our split he was seeing the children one night a week. I didn't ask for any maintenance money from him for those first 18 months because I knew that once I did he'd start reducing his contact to spite me. Eventually I needed the money so we agreed a very low sum each month and lo and behold, he begins being indifferent to the kids and making excuses not to see them.

Now he's got a new girlfriend who he lives with and will only make the time for his children when she's out of town, I decided to go through the CMS for full maintenance. Not because I'm angry that he's moved on and found someone else, I'm really not. I do actually want him to be happy. But because he's prioritised his GF over his own flesh and blood and I think that's totally wrong.

I resent having to be mum and dad to these kids 24/7 while he swans around living like a single man without responsibility. Why should I help him anymore than I already have? I don't know, I know I have to put my children first. But it's infuriating, the way he treats them.

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 10/03/2023 16:20

Its a shitty situation but it depends whether you are prepared to totally stop your children having any sort of relationship with their father. Its only 4 times a year tops. Its not that far. Personally I would just do it and be the bigger person as thats what the kids will remember and is t that better than them thinking you are to blame for them not having any relationship with him? Rightly or wrongly.

minipie · 10/03/2023 16:21

You’re not being unreasonable AT ALL

But I agree with PP that if you do half the driving it means he can never blame it on you that he doesn’t see more of them. It will be absolutely clear that it’s his choice. So maybe do it for the sake of clarity and the moral high ground. Sorry he’s so shit.

Floralnomad · 10/03/2023 16:25

It’s pointless him having them on a school night , if he can’t make it a weekend I’d just facilitate face time etc . It would be different dropping them off to actually spend time with him but dinner / bed / breakfast seems a bit pointless .

Original poster
knobheadex · 10/03/2023 16:28

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 10/03/2023 16:20

Its a shitty situation but it depends whether you are prepared to totally stop your children having any sort of relationship with their father. Its only 4 times a year tops. Its not that far. Personally I would just do it and be the bigger person as thats what the kids will remember and is t that better than them thinking you are to blame for them not having any relationship with him? Rightly or wrongly.

Urgh, yes I guess when you put it like that I can't not drive them over to him. Sad It'll boil my piss every time but if they want to go I'll have to do it. Eldest doesn't want to go 'ever again' apparently, but the younger two do.

I was thinking earlier...has he been having the kids to stay over at his for the minimum number of nights it's possible to reduce CMS payments.

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 10/03/2023 16:31

I'd definitely be pushing for weekend visits, only going half way if weeknight, pointless going if they're going straight to bed and then school.

Swipe left for the next trending thread