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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop encouraging DS12 to do well at school, to let him fail there

70 replies

nightnighty · 09/03/2023 19:35

Finding it hard to switch off the Tigermum in me.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and my mum was a teacher and my safe place was school. I found the work easy and could do well academically without much effort. I'd even try to not do too well to fit in with peers. I've always worked hard.

Now DS12 is really struggling at school, and has become a nervous wreck with the worry of it all. He's at one of those high pressure academies and it really doesn't suit him. So much so he regularly talks about suicide. Working on finding something else.

In the meantime he has an exam tomorrow that we've been warned about for over a month. Any gentle attempt i've made to help him prepare gets him furious. His mental health has to come first. I know that but it's really hard to stop. Working hard is the one thing I know and rely on. I am not equipped to prepare him for anything else.
I actually don't know any way of lifting depression and anxiety other than through hard work.

There are other ways, right?

OP posts:
EmptyPlaces · 09/03/2023 19:36

Your 12 year old has spoken about suicide due to the pressure at school and home and it’s still not enough to make you back the fuck off?!

moonpixel · 09/03/2023 19:38

EmptyPlaces · 09/03/2023 19:36

Your 12 year old has spoken about suicide due to the pressure at school and home and it’s still not enough to make you back the fuck off?!

Yeah that's a bit strange. You must be able to see that if it's making him feel quite so bad you must stop? Surely?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 09/03/2023 19:38

Move schools would be my first thought. High pressure academy sounds like it's destroying him.

Pootleplum · 09/03/2023 19:38

Oh gosh OP. Please take him to the GP and get yourself parenting lessons and family therapy asap.

I really hope this isn't a troll thread.

Kitchenette · 09/03/2023 19:38

Back right off. What support is he getting with his mental health? What are you doing to find another school?

He's 12, this exam is literally meaningless.

DrMadelineMaxwell · 09/03/2023 19:39

He needs a gp appt asap, like tomorrow, to get help.
And if part of the problem is the pressure of the particular school he is at that needs to change asap too.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 09/03/2023 19:41

wtf you can't be for real. Exams when you are 12 have no impact on your life you know? Suicidality at 12 absolutely does. Pull him out.

Happyhappyeveryday · 09/03/2023 19:41

Hopefully, failing won’t make him more depressed. Speak to his achievement leader and take him to your GP - as soon as humanly possible. I would advocate taking a day off work and school to enable this. Take the whole day, if you can, and do something that he enjoys after the GP appointment.

Ridikulus · 09/03/2023 19:42

I'd be doing nothing beyond listening to him, giving him a lot of cuddles and love, getting him CAMHS support and potentially seeking a new school given the severity of issues here.

Exams at 12 can get in the bin.

Twotinydictators · 09/03/2023 19:43

You have to parent the child you have, not the child you were. I hope he gets the help he needs to flourish x

Original poster
nightnighty · 09/03/2023 19:45

I have backed off. I'm just conscious of how difficult i find it.
School is aware and they have backed off.
CAMHS are working with him.
We are doing everything we can to find a new school but I don't believe stopping him going in tomorrow is necessarily the answer.
I am not trolling. I wish i wash.

OP posts:
Plirtle · 09/03/2023 19:47

Oh dear OP. Just tell him it doesn't matter how he does in the exam you love him and will still love him whatever the result. Tell him to take a deep breath and get through it and that you'll take him to macdonalds afterwards and not mention the exam again.

Ridikulus · 09/03/2023 19:48

Does he have hobbies and interests he can lose himself in for a bit? Can you get him engaged with a day trip to somewhere that involves his interest/hobby to show him there is more to life than school? Poor kid sounds like he needs some fun in his life.

For you I'd recommend therapy. Get to the root of why you're like this and how to let go and live in the moment.

Newuser82 · 09/03/2023 19:48

Can you just keep him off so he doesn't have to do it?

Axahooxa · 09/03/2023 19:48

I can assure you the GP will be of little help. There is no mental health care for kids at the moment.

Meet with the school senco ASAP and ask how they can make adaptations to meet his needs and support him through his anxiety.

Academic success means nothing without good mental health. You need to reframe the value of academic achieving in your mind, and think about the long term value of learning instead- which you can enable over time by supporting his needs in a much more holistic way. Take care of him- talk to him about his worries. Encourage him to not listen too much about grades, progress, etc and just do an hour homework per day then put it all away- out of his room, out of sight. Tell him about all his successes in all things- not just academics. Ask him what hobby he might like to do- let him feel successful.

carriedout · 09/03/2023 19:49

So much so he regularly talks about suicide You should take him out of school until he feels better.

WTF are you doing even caring about school or exams or grades or any of it?

Have you considered getting counselling to help you as your response is really out of whack.

SlashBeef · 09/03/2023 19:50

Suicide just casually thrown in there..
I'm aghast. Your child is suffering but the bit you find difficult is backing off on his academic performance? I just can't relate.

Axahooxa · 09/03/2023 19:50

Tell school he is not doing formal assessments! You need to be extremely pushy and advocate non stop for him. Apply for SSPP funding through school to get 1:1 pastoral help in the school day. Contact SENDIASS to advocate for him too- school need to make changes now! (I’m a teacher)

viques · 09/03/2023 19:51

What you say to him is that you know he always does his best and tries, and that you are always proud of him because of this, the actual result of the test isn’t as important as knowing that he tried. Tell him that the really important things in life are listening to other people, working co operatively with other people, and behaving towards others as you would like them to behave towards you. Tell him that he is the most important person in your life and that his happiness is something you want more than anything. He probably won’t believe you because it doesn’t sound as though this has been his experience so far.

Then you forget about your experience of school work always being easy for you , because it ain’t happening for him like that is it? Think about whether you have chosen the right school for him. How much coaching and tutoring did he need before he went there? Could be you pushed him too hard so he got a place but hasn’t got the ability, or more likely the confidence because he is so demoed scared of failing, to keep up with his peers. He has another five years to go, poor kid. No wonder he is feeling suicidal, it’s like a prison sentence.

tsmainsqueeze · 09/03/2023 19:54

He wouldn't be doing that exam tomorrow if he were my 12 year old , in fact with everything you describe he wouldn't be going back again .
I would de register him give him some time to hopefully recover then decide with him what school will be the best fit for him.
His experience is not yours.

solostwhattodo · 09/03/2023 19:55

Your safe space growing up was school. What is your DS safe space? If you don't know finding out would be the place I would start. And if he doesn't know, then I'd say tomorrow he bins off school and works this out (together, if he/you can/want).
I get the feeling you're a bit lost as to how to navigate this sad and worrying time and are relying on your own experience to try to help him and yourself through. Good luck x

viques · 09/03/2023 19:56

Meant to say, the very worst psychological mindset for learning is a child who has a high need to succeed coupled with a fear of failing. Sound familiar?

Plirtle · 09/03/2023 19:58

What does his dad think?

Spiderboy · 09/03/2023 19:59

You need to keep him at home tomorrow. Let him know that no exam is worth that pressure

SnowdayYay · 09/03/2023 20:00

As pp have said stop talking about exams, everything.

Stop it all.

Can you book a holiday for Easter?

I would really try and take him away somewhere really fun in the sun like a water park and go a have fun and not mention a word about exams at all.
In reality he has plenty of time to catch up anyway its not crucial years. You don't want to this for instance in gcse year but even then there is always time to catch up.

Don't mention school, nothing and try and book something even theme park or what he enjoys to try and get him out of this rut.