to stop encouraging DS12 to do well at school, to let him fail there

[nightnighty]

Finding it hard to switch off the Tigermum in me.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and my mum was a teacher and my safe place was school. I found the work easy and could do well academically without much effort. I'd even try to not do too well to fit in with peers. I've always worked hard.

Now DS12 is really struggling at school, and has become a nervous wreck with the worry of it all. He's at one of those high pressure academies and it really doesn't suit him. So much so he regularly talks about suicide. Working on finding something else.

In the meantime he has an exam tomorrow that we've been warned about for over a month. Any gentle attempt i've made to help him prepare gets him furious. His mental health has to come first. I know that but it's really hard to stop. Working hard is the one thing I know and rely on. I am not equipped to prepare him for anything else.
I actually don't know any way of lifting depression and anxiety other than through hard work.

There are other ways, right?

I’m sorry to hear that your son is going through this. I hope you have a good day tomorrow and best of luck moving forward.

So you're letting your own mental wellbeing be harmed - you're deliberately putting massive pressure on yourself to deflect away from it? And quite possibly unintentionally doing exactly the same to your son?

Sounds like you both need an urgent break from this and putting your health first for a change.

I was quite like your son. My family were less understanding than you are and I was told that school was the most important thing in my life, no matter how much I hated it, and that if I didn't do well I'd never get a job and my adult life would be horrible. I was told this even when I talked about suicide, because my parents thought it was 'attention seeking'. Exams were particularly tough and I'd get involuntary tremors and intense fight-or-flight adrenaline rush over things like minor in-class test results.

I ended up an outright school refuser and suffered with crippling anxiety and feelings of worthlessness well into my twenties. Catching up on the education I'd missed, or finding alternate paths to qualifications when I was ready, was much easier than sorting out my horrendous mental health.

You've had some truly excellent advice in this thread and it's made me tear up a little to see how supportive and empathetic so many of the posters are. Please take them seriously. School really isn't the most important thing in your son's life.

Absolutely this.

Dont make him live life through your lens or you’ll be passing on new traumas to him. Break the cycle now before it’s too late. He’s already said he’s suicidal. Isn’t that enough?

I think Schema Therapy might provide some useful insights for you OP.

In fact, even watching some YouTube videos on it.

Your childhood has created a way of seeing the world and your defence mechanism to that is having unrelenting high standards for yourself (which is why you're always so busy with work that you don't have time to prioritise anything else, even getting help for your son). To cope with these unrelenting standards and as a distraction you use work - first school, then paid work. These are dysfunctional coping mechanisms. They served you well during childhood but now they no longer do but you're stuck in the same cycle.

People with childhood trauma that has caused unrelenting high standards and perfectionism often unwittingly hold others to those same standards. They can be overly critical and/or overly concerned with achievement.

This then, in turn, passes on that childhood trauma to their own children who, as a result of an overly critical, perfectionist and achievement oriented parent often end up with their own schemes around being failures or not being good enough.

This often causes high levels of anxiety and depression in those children who find their own dysfunctional coping mechanisms. So far for your DS that is avoidance - he's avoiding dealing with the issue (the exam).

Does this make sense? Ring any bells?

Even if it's not exactly as I've written if you watch some schema therapy videos on YouTube you'll be able to identify what it is instead,,.

Don't pass your trauma on anymore OP.

I can see that this has been touched on but I would recommend reading around literature regarding children of alcoholics, as you are one. I am one also. A good book to start with is After the Tears. You need to heal you.

When we COA were children we were conditioned to be able to perform, to be seen as 'good' because the household always revolves around the alcoholic so compliance/‘goodness’ is how we get love. I can imagine your situation is especially acute with a teacher for a mum. To be honest, and it can be hard to hear, we were not loved unconditionally as we were only loved when we complied, pleased others and pushed our own needs down.

The upshot of this is that you can't help but see your DS in this way... achieving/working equals good. Underachieving/not coping - somehow equals negative. So you are cajoling him to be 'good'.

But let me tell you - it doesn't matter! He's 12, he's got years to get his head straight and even if he doesn't - he still deserves your love.

Low pressure
Low demand

I'm wondering if you get on his case about other things... not to have a go at you but is he allowed a lie in at weekends? A messy room? Can he stay in PJs/dressing gown at weekends if having a chill day? Is he allowed to make mistakes and still be loved? Turn up late when he’s been out with friends?

As I say, none of this is to have a go at you but often COA parents can hold their DC to impossibly high standards.

This is a case of reprogramming your own neural pathways. That's why you find it hard to hold back when you feel he isn't working hard enough. You can do it! This is work to be done on yourself - not on him.

Don’t deregister. Parents often find it easier to get support when on a school’s roll even if their DC can’t attend. Bluntly you are someone’s ‘problem’, whereas it is easier for others to brush DC’s needs under the carpet if you EHE. Then if DC can’t attend school the LA must provide alternative education once it becomes clear 15 days will be missed. But if you deregister and electively home educate they don’t have to.

Also apply for an EHCNA if you haven’t already.

I a tually can't believe what I'm reading. Suicidal thoughts just as a throwaway comment, she'll get therapy via work....

Erm what about your son, the school sounds too much for any child let alone your own who is actively telling you he's suicidal.

Remove him from that school until you get him into a better suited one. Maybe try get him some therapy via your work instead of waiting on a struggling NHS system.

And your title is disgusting, let him fail??? He's 12, suicidal and in a school that is way too acedemic for him.

I pity him having you as a parent, I mean there's performance parenting and then there's you....

Jesus. keep him at home. Fuck the exam. Let him decompress, and start a new school after the Easter holidays

OP, “In the meantime he has an exam tomorrow that we've been warned about for over a month”. No. “We” haven’t, HE has.
You really do need to unstrap those helicopter blades from your shoulders, find a school that suits him better and stop getting involved.
When my DC started in Y7, I spoke to each of them ONCE at the beginning of each school year, to remind them that:

1. They were at school to learn for their future, not mine
2. They were responsible for doing their own homework on time
3. They had to put their uniforms in for a wash each day they changed a shirt or trousers or games kit and everything else on Friday
4. I’m always available to help with school issues or schoolwork difficulties if they needed and asked me and if it’s something I can guide on Eg. some languages, history or music
5. If they get detention for something they did, I support the school

…and we all stuck to that plan.

I have several friends now that have entirely pulled their kids out of school because they were so stressed. Schools are absolutely crazy places these days. Much worse than when I was at secondary school in 90s/00s.

That school is clearly not the right one for your fragile son. Speak to the headteacher as soon as possible about a 'managed move' to another, gentler school, if you can't find a gentler school with spaces. A managed move scenario allows schools to take students even if they have reached their PAN/are full. With your son talking about suicide 'regularly' I'd hope they'll bend over backwards - it's a massive safeguarding issue.

My child would be staying home tomorrow, he's 12 so the test isn't important however his mental health is

Please pull him out.

My eldest was the same at that age.
The school, a big, popular secondary in a naice area were woeful. I took him out a half term into year 8 after a night of soul searching similar to the one you are having now.

He was at home for the first 6 weeks or so, then went to a PRU for vulnerable kids 4 mornings a week (and for guitar lessons the other morning).
The PRU help us access an ASD assessment and diagnosis and he went back into a much smaller (fee paying but mainstream) school at the start of year 9.

Finished his GCSEs on schedule and went onto grammar school 6th form.

Absolutely no regrets (and still vaguely daydreaming about telling that first secondary school how well he’s done in spite of them both because of them).

Get him out of that school asap and show him you are on his team.

Maybe you’ve not worded you post very well but you seem to be under reacting. You need to take serious action, if that means immediately removing your child from school and letting them either work from home or have a break, do it. It may take take to find a new school, but it sounds like your son is burnt out. He probably needs a break and some counselling. He’s only 12 so can afford time off.

I’ve learned the hard way when one of my children lost two school friends to suicide that well-being beats everything. There is nothing worse than dealing with a situation that cannot be fixed and wondering what could have been done differently. You might have high academic expectations but a happy, child is the far better outcome.

Keep him off school for the test and for next week. Let him sleep in - sleep is vital for mental health. Take him outside to an activity he enjoys.

You need to begin to fix this before he self harms. Tell him that he is more important than any silly exam. Does your work counselling plan extend to family members?

Sorry I can't reply to everyone, but here are a few:

Re school - yes, it's totally inappropriate, we all know that now, but that wasn't obvious in primary school. He chose it, it's the closest one. He does not want to move to any of the other mainstream local schools. We're looking at other options.

Re taking tomorrow off - I should perhaps have said that DS is not especially worried about tomorrow's exam, it's more that I'm sad that I haven't been able to help be better prepared for it, and I know how messed up that is, hence this thread. He mentioned the exam once on the way home from school and he's had a nice evening. I suggested that he takes the day off but he laughed and said that would make things more difficult and he would not escape the exam. He also has a mentor tomorrow he likes to see.

@FloatingBean yes, this is exactly why he's still in school. We've explored EHE a lot. I don't believe that either DH or I would be great at this and EHE means we lose all LA support. We're working on getting an EHCP which I am told is easier to get if you stay within the system - that might help him get a place in a smaller specialist school, or funding for EOTAS which would give make him less reliant on the skills of his parents.

@Anyotherdude The school did actually give handouts to parents about the exam at parents evening. I'm glad your children are so independent though.

@CombatBarbie my son has actually had therapy though my insurance for months until the CAMHS sessions became available. We need to work with NHS and LA to get access to the right schools. I chose the title of this thread to provoke response.

@DancesWithFelines thanks for presenting this all so clearly here. I had read a bit about COA trauma too but not recently. Don't worry I'm not that uptight. He is definitely allowed to make a mess etc.

@wheresmymojo I had not heard of schema therapy - thanks - it does indeed look very relevant

@GreenWhiteViolet there's been lots of beautiful responses and great advice here for sure. I have also been wiping away tears.

Mostly all the responses have been great. Really helps to have so many perspectives when reprogramming neural pathways.

As well as going through the EHCP process if DS can’t attend school the LA must provide alternative education under s.19 of the Education Act 1996. This should begin when it becomes clear 15 days will be missed, the days don’t need to have already been missed or consecutive. Email the LA’s Director of Children’s Services about this.

The good thing about an EHCP is it can provide therapies DC wouldn’t otherwise get and more frequently/for longer without sitting on waiting lists.