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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stop encouraging DS12 to do well at school, to let him fail there

70 replies

nightnighty · 09/03/2023 19:35

Finding it hard to switch off the Tigermum in me.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and my mum was a teacher and my safe place was school. I found the work easy and could do well academically without much effort. I'd even try to not do too well to fit in with peers. I've always worked hard.

Now DS12 is really struggling at school, and has become a nervous wreck with the worry of it all. He's at one of those high pressure academies and it really doesn't suit him. So much so he regularly talks about suicide. Working on finding something else.

In the meantime he has an exam tomorrow that we've been warned about for over a month. Any gentle attempt i've made to help him prepare gets him furious. His mental health has to come first. I know that but it's really hard to stop. Working hard is the one thing I know and rely on. I am not equipped to prepare him for anything else.
I actually don't know any way of lifting depression and anxiety other than through hard work.

There are other ways, right?

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 09/03/2023 20:01

Just reassure him -

This exam does not matter at all. It makes no difference at all to how much we love you. It doesn’t tell us or anyone else anything but a snapshot of how you answered some questions on one day. It’s not a measure of your intelligence or how much you’re worth or what you’re like as a human. It’s not important.

Then, figure out how these anxieties have developed. Why is doing well at school important to him? What message does he have from me about all this.

New school, new start, no pressure. Mean it.

Hankunamatata · 09/03/2023 20:02

He sounds shut down and completely overwhelmed. Def sounds like good choice to move schools. In the mean time what measures are they putting in place? Do they have a support room where he could go if he gets overwhelmed. Have they reduced homework? If actually think about removing him from any exams the school are doing. Can he come off timetable for certain subjects?

SnowdayYay · 09/03/2023 20:02

I agree with spider boy as well.

That would be a huge statement. Keep him off and do something fun with him. Be naughty!! Outrageous.... Show him the fun side of life.

Whatfreshhellisthisss · 09/03/2023 20:04

Give him a mental health break from school. A week or two off to breath and relax. Make sure he doesn’t have to sit this exam, stop everything academic, take days out to the zoo, beach whatever. Both of you need to stop and reset

mynameiscalypso · 09/03/2023 20:05

I'd 100% keep him off tomorrow and do something fun.

DaveyJonesLocker · 09/03/2023 20:05

Don't send him in. Not for the exam. Not until you find a school better for him.

Your 12 year old wants to kill himself because of school. Take him out and find a better school for him.

Original poster

nightnighty · 09/03/2023 20:07

Thanks for all the helpful replies.

Not going to school tomorrow is a great call. It had occurred to me already. He even has a bit of a cold. It had not occurred to me that I can tell the school that he should be allowed not to have formal assessments. I've heard the school described as an exam factory, rather than a school. I'm not sure how a request for no assessments will land but i'm willing to try it. They even have kids coming in over summer holidays if they miss an exam. We are already talking to SENCO but the adjustments offered are really superficial.

Therapy for me is also a good idea, I have had some before but not recently. I can get some through insurance at work, but i've just been too busy working to get it set up.

OP posts:

MrsTopaz · 09/03/2023 20:11

Have you ever shared with him a story about when you have failed something and shown that you still felt good about yourself? or in real time-owned up to getting something really wrong and then laughing it off? Or do you pretend that you’ve got everything sorted all the time?

i think these are really key teachings that show children how to cope with mistakes and still retain their self value…
how do you feel about yourself if you make a mistake? How do you portray that? Maybe that’s what he’s picking up on.
keep him off school, go somewhere fun the two of you, make some mistakes and laugh together about them. Show him wonderful lives include mistakes and failure and just doing what we can and that he doesn’t need to be a high achiever in order to be his wonderful perfect whole self and that you love him complelty no matter what.

LesserBohemians · 09/03/2023 20:14

What other people said, but just wanted to ask why you think that he’ll inevitably fail at school if you stop urging him to do well?

Autocadelite · 09/03/2023 20:19

Take him out of school. There are other ways to get a career.

Guess what. I didn't do A Levels and I'm an architect.

Poor kiddo.

Autocadelite · 09/03/2023 20:21

Actually even my GCSE maths was a grade E.

But there are other ways! X

Dodgeitornot · 09/03/2023 20:25

I feel for you. School is tough for DD but I know when I don't help her, it's so overwhelming for her that she feels even worse. By the time its the exam, she is a nervous wreck and it's a vicious cycle.
What helped my DD was me starting her revision notes. She was always so scared that I'd be angry if I saw how little she knew, but slowly the trust improved. I think by using such an open question you may be stressing him out more. What can I help you with? He probably doesn't know where to start.
I would start by contacting his teachers and explaining this. Get his school email onto your phone so you can preempt stressful lessons and keep an eye out on the curriculum so you can help him.
I would also look into alternative schools, however this may not work long term as ironically the strict schools can be helpful for kids like your son. The lenient ones tend to let them coast and they find GCSE years really overwhelming and the anxiety comes back with a vengeance because they didn't deal with it.

Quartz2208 · 09/03/2023 20:30

It’s hard because we want to parent the child we think we should have and that often is an image of us as a child. That you desperately want to right the wrongs of your childhood by giving your son the things you didn’t have is admirable. But he isn’t you and what worked for you and kept you afloat don’t work for him. Indeed it sounds the opposite so you need to find what does. A different school certainly sounds on the cards

itwasntmetho · 09/03/2023 20:30

I would de register and home learn for a while.

Smineusername · 09/03/2023 20:35

Get him the fuck out of that school, now. Keep him home if you have to.

My friend's fifteen year old daughter killed herself two years ago. Take this shit seriously.

Your son is not his grades and his value has nothing whatsoever to do with his academics or future career. Get yourself therapy if you can't figure that out.

Stop trying to make him anything and get curious about who he is. Get to know him as a person. And take what he is telling you very seriously.

Runforthehills82 · 09/03/2023 20:36

You have had good advice already. I just wanted to say that education is not one size fits all and school (or certain schools) can be hell for some kids.
My DS was miserable in school, he was miles behind, dyslexic and in need of support that he wasn’t getting, he started self harming in school (he did this to stop himself from crying). I know that we are really lucky to be in the position to do this but we pulled him out and he started home ed.
The change was immediate. A couple of years later he is now happy, outgoing, confident in himself. He has become much more socially skilled and has good friends.
He is also now academically ahead of his peers in most subjects, not that that was ever the point, but I hope it shows that there is more than one way to get an education.

Hawkins003 · 09/03/2023 20:37

'll the best op

FeliciteFaff · 09/03/2023 20:38

Wow. You sounds and please try your best to take offence, yes take offence to what I am going to say. But you sound like you’re not fit to parent this child. A normal parent would have removed him from school and taken leave from work to resolve this child’s anxiety and prevent potential suicide. If I was a friend or family member I’d suggest that you get yourself checked out too. There are some issues you need to resolve within yourself. You’ve asked for advice here but it seems to me that you’re going to do everything to make sure he is at school and succeeding, even though he has issued a very clear cry for help.

Arou · 09/03/2023 20:43

YANBU to think of backing off. Poor boy needs a break but I’m glad you’re taking him seriously. There’s honestly more to life x

UniPsychle · 09/03/2023 20:44

He needs you to help him develop resiliency. And that does not come through tough love and hardship as is often thought. Resiliency comes from having lots of positive factors in your life like a loving family, hobbies you enjoy, activities that you can be successful with, friends, a good diet, exercise etc. Look for opportunities for him to achieve that have nothing to do with school whether it be something obvious, like sport or something more ordinary like learning to cook a meal he would like to eat.

This is your chance to teach ways to live in a mentally healthy way, alongside support from CAMHS etc

azimuth299 · 09/03/2023 20:49

I mean this gently, and I know it's maybe difficult to see the reality of a situation when you're so close to it, but I think you really need to change your approach.

Your DS is suicidal because of the academic pressure. If my child was in this situation I would be removing them from school immediately and looking for a more pastoral school to send him in September to give him a long mental health break.

I absolutely wouldn't, even in the most gentle way, be reminding him to prepare for an exam. I don't think he should be doing an exam when his mental health is so poor. Take all the pressure off him.

This could affect his mental health for many years, and however many GCSEs he gets it won't do any good if he's crippled by chronic anxiety.

Autocadelite · 09/03/2023 20:56

He can do GCSEs at home. He can do anything he wants. The world is huge and exciting and you don't need A Levels or a fancy degree to have an adventure.

There is home learning, diplomas, apprenticeships, English Baccalaureate online..

He can take the scenic route like me (I struggled at school due to ASD and I did everything 2 years late and in an unconventional way!)

He can do anything he wants!
If he's alive xx

Museya15 · 09/03/2023 20:57

Leave him be, I wouldn't give a rats if he was cleaning the streets as long as he was happy in himself. Back right off!

LimeCheesecake · 09/03/2023 21:02

I do understand why some are saying deregister - but in the nicest possible way, home educating her DS is a really really bad idea for the OP and her DS, she is not the right sort of person to do that.

better would be to say, keep him off tomorrow. Speak to senco and head of year about stopping formal assessments this year, looking at other more relaxed schools, including possibly private if there’s money available.

bur first things first - tomorrow is a fun day.

CalistoNoSolo · 09/03/2023 21:05

Poor little guy, he's 12 and suicidal. Why did you send him to a highly academic school knowing he's not academic? Just take him out of school full stop. Give it until after the easter hols. Use the time to let him decompress and get him into a different school. Put him and his health first. It's not rocket science.

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