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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this relationship has red flags for predatory behaviour

62 replies

CrouchingLiger · 09/03/2023 10:48

A 39 year old man getting into a sexual relationship with a recently turned 18 year old and him trying to get her to live with him after just a few weeks of dating. He suddenly started spending lots of time with her, collecting her from work and taking her to his house the minute she turned 18 at the start of this year. For background, she is a vulnerable young lady and quite open with people about some frankly horrific and neglectful situations which happened throughout her childhood. Being left without food and having to shoplift to feed her and her siblings. Just a couple of years ago, she was removed from her Mum's care as her step dad was convicted for rape and SA against her and her siblings (she had to testify in court). He definitely knows about all this as I've been there with him when she's spoken about it.

My DP is of the opinion that the man in question is doing nothing wrong as 16 is the age of consent. Whilst legally correct, I think there's something very wrong in the thought process of this almost 40 year old man. I can understand it's a great ego boost for a middle aged man to get attention from a much younger woman. However, knowing that girl was abused just a few years earlier by a much older man and thinking it's appropriate to start a sexual relationship as soon as she turns 18 seems very predatory to me. Then asking her to move in with her after a few weeks as he can help her out financially, suggests to me he's looking to isolate her from her family and probably doesn't have good intentions.

My AIBU isn't whether all age gap relationships are bad, I don't think this. However, regarding this specific situation what do you think?

OP posts:
Forensix · 09/03/2023 11:11

And you know for sure they are in a relationship and having sex? How do you know he's not just taking care of her?

ChaToilLeam · 09/03/2023 11:12

Forensix · 09/03/2023 11:11

And you know for sure they are in a relationship and having sex? How do you know he's not just taking care of her?

I have a really nice bridge to sell you.

Nimbostratus100 · 09/03/2023 11:12

sounds awful, but I dont think there will be anything you can do, is there?

Elsiebear90 · 09/03/2023 11:13

Forensix · 09/03/2023 11:11

And you know for sure they are in a relationship and having sex? How do you know he's not just taking care of her?

Yeah because men really like taking care of women they have no sexual interest in…

blubberball · 09/03/2023 11:14

Doesn't sound good does it? Taking care of her will soon become control I'm sure. It's sad.

HeavenIsAHalfpipe · 09/03/2023 11:14

YANBU. Grim. Why would ANY 40 year old want to be with someone who is of school age? Ewwwww. 🤢

Dacadactyl · 09/03/2023 11:15

Oh dear. I agree with you OP. This has red flag all over it.

Whether she'd been abused or not, a 39 yo with an 18 yo is just rank. The abuse just makes it worse.

ArcticSkewer · 09/03/2023 11:15

So this is really about why your dp accepts horribly low standards of behaviour from men towards young vulnerable women? It certainly tells you a lot about how he sees the world. Does it change how you feel about him?

I find a lot of men's views quite upsetting.

Onemyownhere · 09/03/2023 11:16

Elsiebear90 · 09/03/2023 11:13

Yeah because men really like taking care of women they have no sexual interest in…

Show quote history

Actually u will be surprised some men dont actually have a sexual desire for some women... But it doesn't sound like this imo

Papergirl1968 · 09/03/2023 11:23

Red flags all over this.
My 21 year old adopted dd is in a relationship with a 30 year old and I'm worried enough about that, and his controlling behaviour. Not about the age gap as such as I know a couple with a 30 year age gap but theirs is a healthy relationship.
I actually reported my concerns about dd's boyfriend under Clare's Law last week and the police spoke to her but she insisted she was fine.

blubberball · 09/03/2023 11:25

These young women are particularly vulnerable, as they're looking for the love that may have been lacking in their lives

Quitelikeit · 09/03/2023 11:27

This has got tragedy written all over it.

Do you know this man well? His previous relationship history? Google his name to look for convictions?

Tell her SW?

Shoxfordian · 09/03/2023 11:28

Bit of a red flag about your dp as well that he’d consider dating a girl doing her A levels if you split up.

YouAreNotBatman · 09/03/2023 11:34

The old guy is gross and predator.

Your partner is an enabler.
Be carefull with that if you choose to stay with him.
He showed you who he is. Believe it.

RemoteControlDoobry · 09/03/2023 12:03

Forensix · 09/03/2023 11:11

And you know for sure they are in a relationship and having sex? How do you know he's not just taking care of her?

Why is the first comment of a thread always bonkers? Do MN do this to get people riled up?

Clarinet1 · 09/03/2023 12:11

Apart from all the history, surely most people would agree that a matter ago weeks into a relationship is far too soon to be moving
in together.

SpacePotato · 09/03/2023 12:16

The fact he is already controlling her every movement to prevent her having any free time away from him is the biggest red flag.

Sounds like he has purposely picked a young, vulnerable woman, so massive power imbalance etc, and your DP thinks this is perfectly fine and dandy?

Bookworm20 · 09/03/2023 12:17

Its very grim. Shes barely older than a child, and adding in her history its a hundred times worse.
He knows exactly what hes doing.

I'd be extremely disturbed too if my DH thought that it was all ok because she was 'over 16'.

HotMessMama · 09/03/2023 12:26

Urgh this sounds so predatory and I would be really concerned for this girl.

If she was removed from her mothers care she should still have involvement from social services until she is 21 I believe? Is there a social worker you could speak to about your concerns?
Although this is not illegal it does not sound innocent at all 😔

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/03/2023 12:33

How do you both know this girl? Is it a work colleague. What is he like normally.

Simonjt · 09/03/2023 12:49

Legally fine, morally grim, I really do think we need an age gap clause until people reach a certain age.

Original poster
CrouchingLiger · 09/03/2023 13:16

To be honest it's not something DP and I have had an in depth conversation about yet as I only found out he'd asked her to move in with her a few days ago. For me that was what screamed grooming to me. As another poster said, it's not healthy to suggest moving in that soon, regardless of age. He wasn't staunchly defending this man's (let's call him Bob) behaviour. I think it's just something DP hasn't really given any thought to as he has a lot going on at the moment. I guess it's also probably come as more of a shock to him as he socialises with Bob whereas I don't. I know in the past it's taken me some time to process my feelings when someone I considered a friend has done something that is morally dubious and completely left field. I've not always been done with the friendship right away. I'm definitely going to keep an open mind when I do talk DP properly, as I think it's a conversation we do need to have.

I know Bob as he used to work for us for a short while a few years back. I don't know a huge amount about him if I'm honest as we don't have much in common other than being the same age, so we never really developed a friendship beyond the usual small talk. The part which concerns me is the teenager in this scenario (let's call her Jane) now works for us (DP and I run a business together) and that's how they met in the first place. Obviously my main concern is if Jane is being groomed I don't want inadvertently say anything which is likely to push them together even more. She does talk to me a lot about her life friends, college, moving out all the usual 18 year old stuff, so I'd like to try to keep that line of communication open if she wants to talk to an adult who isn't her legal guardian about what's going.

Secondary to all this is if they start to publically show affection at our workplace I can imagine some customers will be uncomfortable (I know I will be). I'm not sure DP has thought as far that some men with teenage daughters themselves may even confront Bob. Legally, I can't see there being any recourse, but morally it feels wrong to me like I'm enabling the relationship. I'm hoping it fizzles out as quickly as it begins, but not really sure how to proceed if I'm honest.

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 09/03/2023 13:22

Your DP is an arse who is turning a blind eye to Bob grooming & love-bombing Jane.

The picking her up after work & pushing for her to move in with him so soon are especially worrying. Bob sounds determined to give her no space at all until he has her isolated & controlled.

TheMatriarchy · 09/03/2023 13:27

Poor poor girl as if she hasn't been through enough in her life.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 09/03/2023 13:32

It may not be illegal but it’s morally reprehensible and I wouldn’t want someone like that within a mile of me - personally or at work. It’s a shame that someone didn’t step in and point out how disgusting and predatory his behaviour is before it went this far.

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