To think this relationship has red flags for predatory behaviour

[CrouchingLiger]

A 39 year old man getting into a sexual relationship with a recently turned 18 year old and him trying to get her to live with him after just a few weeks of dating. He suddenly started spending lots of time with her, collecting her from work and taking her to his house the minute she turned 18 at the start of this year. For background, she is a vulnerable young lady and quite open with people about some frankly horrific and neglectful situations which happened throughout her childhood. Being left without food and having to shoplift to feed her and her siblings. Just a couple of years ago, she was removed from her Mum's care as her step dad was convicted for rape and SA against her and her siblings (she had to testify in court). He definitely knows about all this as I've been there with him when she's spoken about it.

My DP is of the opinion that the man in question is doing nothing wrong as 16 is the age of consent. Whilst legally correct, I think there's something very wrong in the thought process of this almost 40 year old man. I can understand it's a great ego boost for a middle aged man to get attention from a much younger woman. However, knowing that girl was abused just a few years earlier by a much older man and thinking it's appropriate to start a sexual relationship as soon as she turns 18 seems very predatory to me. Then asking her to move in with her after a few weeks as he can help her out financially, suggests to me he's looking to isolate her from her family and probably doesn't have good intentions.

My AIBU isn't whether all age gap relationships are bad, I don't think this. However, regarding this specific situation what do you think?

This, but it will depend if she was considered a Looked After Child, how long for, and when that status ended etc. It's complicated about relevance for leaving care services

This was me. I wasn’t as vulnerable as this girl sounds but I was barely 17 and he was 20 years older. Looking back as a proper adult it amazes me how many people were absolutely fine with it because I’d passed that magic age of consent. Regardless of the power imbalance - I was six months out of school and a virgin FFS. It took me a decade to leave. I wish someone like your DP who was friends with my ex had tried to help, but tbh at that age I’d have probably ignored them. Fingers crossed if fizzles out quickly.

Just because it’s not illegal does not make it right. The specifics of this situation are a horror story. The trouble is that this girl needs saving but in reality she probably needs to see that for herself in order to save herself?
you must be going out of your mind! And your DP saying that there’s nothing wrong happening is a major issue too!

Was Bob hanging around this young woman for a while? Do you know if he’s aware of her past abuse?

I would be having a word with Bob, or getting your DH to once you've had that conversation with him.

I hope you can get him to see how inappropriate it is.

Personally I would report to social services. If she was in care then she will have a Leaving Care worker and is entitled to support for a longer age range, it does not stop at 18. I believe she went straight to live with other family rather than going into foster care etc, so I'm not sure whether this would apply.

This was me. I wasn’t as vulnerable as this girl sounds but I was barely 17 and he was 20 years older. Looking back as a proper adult it amazes me how many people were absolutely fine with it because I’d passed that magic age of consent. Regardless of the power imbalance - I was six months out of school and a virgin FFS. It took me a decade to leave. I wish someone like your DP who was friends with my ex had tried to help, but tbh at that age I’d have probably ignored them. Fingers crossed if fizzles out quickly. I'm so sorry that happened to you. The very least I want to do is make it clear to Jane that what Bob is doing is absolutely inappropriate. I'm hopeful it will fizzle out as she doesn't refer to him as her boyfriend or anything like that. When she mentioned that he'd asked her to move in it was within the context of her excitedly talking about which of her friends she would like to live with and she didn't sound that keen on living with him. She did say she'd mentioned it to her guardian and that they'd expressed concern about Bob's intentions, so I'm not sure how much they know about the situation. I'm guessing Jane hasn't told them how old Bob is otherwise they'd be beating Bob to pick her up from work I would assume.

This, but it will depend if she was considered a Looked After Child, how long for, and when that status ended etc. It's complicated about relevance for leaving care services
Sounds like this person could be classed as a 'former relevant' and could access services.

Perhaps even as a "valued customer" you have a chat with Bob and say it's inappropriate of him to have this kind of friendship with one of your employees and it is reflecting negatively on him and has been noticed by others.

Very seedy at best however it's her choice. All you can do is be there (if you know the person).

I came on to say she might qualify for a care leaving service under former relevant. It's worth ringing your LA care leavers team duty number and enquiring.

I'd also do a Clares law request and anything that comes back dodgy report to adult safeguarding.

Get her on contraception, explain to her that if she gets pregnant there will be a referral to child protection. She isn't showing she can keep herself safe by this relationship so how will she evidence she can keep a baby safe.

If she went on a SGO order to another family member she definitely qualifies for leaving care service and PA - but only as long as she wants it. There won't be a statutory duty to visit her and do plans if she doesn't want it.

also TWAW