To think this relationship has red flags for predatory behaviour

[CrouchingLiger]

A 39 year old man getting into a sexual relationship with a recently turned 18 year old and him trying to get her to live with him after just a few weeks of dating. He suddenly started spending lots of time with her, collecting her from work and taking her to his house the minute she turned 18 at the start of this year. For background, she is a vulnerable young lady and quite open with people about some frankly horrific and neglectful situations which happened throughout her childhood. Being left without food and having to shoplift to feed her and her siblings. Just a couple of years ago, she was removed from her Mum's care as her step dad was convicted for rape and SA against her and her siblings (she had to testify in court). He definitely knows about all this as I've been there with him when she's spoken about it.

My DP is of the opinion that the man in question is doing nothing wrong as 16 is the age of consent. Whilst legally correct, I think there's something very wrong in the thought process of this almost 40 year old man. I can understand it's a great ego boost for a middle aged man to get attention from a much younger woman. However, knowing that girl was abused just a few years earlier by a much older man and thinking it's appropriate to start a sexual relationship as soon as she turns 18 seems very predatory to me. Then asking her to move in with her after a few weeks as he can help her out financially, suggests to me he's looking to isolate her from her family and probably doesn't have good intentions.

My AIBU isn't whether all age gap relationships are bad, I don't think this. However, regarding this specific situation what do you think?

Sounds like he's grooming a vulnerable young adult to me.

She checks every box - previous SA (lack of boundaries or knowledge about what's normal), unstable home life (no safety net), neglected (desperate for love).

She's barely legal and he's grooming her

Even social services look after the children who have been in care until 21, as they recognise how vulnerable they can be.

It may not be illegal but it’s morally reprehensible and I wouldn’t want someone like that within a mile of me - personally or at work. It’s a shame that someone didn’t step in and point out how disgusting and predatory his behaviour is before it went this far.

I agree. I only learned for a fact it wasn't a platonic relationship a few days ago and I haven't seen Bob since. I don't want to go into work tomorrow as he will likely be there and I'm working a shift with Jane. At the same time, I worry that going in all guns blazing will just make him want to keep her away and means that they spend more time alone at his house.

Even social services look after the children who have been in care until 21, as they recognise how vulnerable they can be.

Do you know if that applies to a child who's family have taken legal guardianship? It's a tough situation because I don't want to cause problems for the family as they are trying to gain custody of another sibling from the mother.

I don't know, OP. I would certainly contact social services to raise concerns, though. They can look into which pathway the girl is on.

It’s a long time since I worked for social services but she may be under the care of a leaving care team in your area. Might be worth ringing the duty worker and if she’s known to them she may still have a case worker who could have a chat with her. It is very concerning.

Absolutely awful predatory behaviour.
What a creep.

I would be genuinely appalled if my husband responded the way yours did.

And what "certain age" would that be, and who gets to decide it? That's a heck of a slippery slope to government control of private lives of adults.

I think contacting SS to give them a heads up would be the right thing to do.

Poor girl, so vulnerable.

Oh no, this sounds really grim.

Yes, it’s ‘legal’, but I’d like to think most adults would see the huge power differential here, and the potential dangers to the young woman.

Actually that age gap for an 18 year-old wouldn’t sit well with me, even without additional vulnerabilities of the younger person.

Is Bob senior to her in your business?

If so I would be pulling him and saying that personal relationships are not ok within your business and the imbalance of power makes it a sackable offence.

Time to go through your staff handbook and check policies etc.

If he doesn't work for you then I guess I would be wanting to raise it somehow with your employee to protect her.

We should absolutely should be controlling the lives of adults who are waiting the day someone becomes legally able to consent to sex.

Check with ACAS about your duty of care to employees.

You have a vulnerable employee who's being targeted at work by a much older man.

Is Bob senior to her in your business? Bob stopped working for us years before Jane began working for us. I don't want to give the actual nature of the business for obvious reasons but it's something along the lines of a snooker club (although we don't sell alcohol). Basically Bob still comes to the club as a customer and that's how he and Jane met.

Fucking hell! It must be nice in your world.

Yeah, this screams predator OP, and I’d be disturbed by your partners attitude towards it too.

The only thing that you can do is have talks with her about how long she has got before she needs to start chatting babies. Also the importance of earning your own money, the social side of working etc. He wants her all to himself but she has a lot of living to do and shouldn't throw it away on him.

There's a lot if big age gaps in my family and they are quite normal to me
However this one is really worrying as the young woman involved is so young znd also vulnerable. I would be concerned to be honest.
If she has been in care, even for a short while she should be able to get support from the leaving care team in Social Services and have a p a.

I disagree. We should not be trying to control the private lives of legal adults. We are not living in The Handmaid's Tale.

The only thing that you can do is have talks with her about how long she has got before she needs to start chatting babies
That's not the only thing op can do. She can get in touch with the leaving care team to see if the young woman has slipped through their net.

Orly? Married at 23 with a 15 year gap and still happily married 37 years later, thanks for your concern. 🙄

Poor girl. Does she have a leaving care worker who could speak with her and support her? Sometimes young women who leave care don't want to entertain support from people around them but a leaving care worker can feel quite familiar after the years of having a social worker.
She sounds very vulnerable and leaving care is a terrifying time, she's got a nasty sexual abuse history, and he's prob painting himself as her saviour and hero. She needs people around her to help her see what is happening. His behaviour is wildly inappropriate and creepy.

He's a vile predatory freak and I'd make it clear that's how I felt about him. Do see if you can get any interest from SS but the chances are they won't respond unfortunately

This seems grim to me .I would see if you could talk to Jane and see if you can get her to open up a bit .Maybe contact Social Services as well.OW not much else you can do really .Maybe speak to the family ,is that an option?

Personally I would report to social services. If she was in care then she will have a Leaving Care worker and is entitled to support for a longer age range, it does not stop at 18.

I used to work for a children's social care charity .