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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this being helpful or interfering…

58 replies

knicknackkarriewhack · 09/03/2023 07:42

My youngest two DC both in their 20s still live at home. DS starts work at 7am(30-40min commute). He was still in bed at 6:25 so I woke him. He was not happy, as he was having a day off, he never told me that. DD said I shouldn’t have woken him as he is a grown up, I should let him be late. Just to add he doesn’t make a habit of sleeping in, happens maybe twice a year. I thought I was being kind and helpful. I would want someone to wake me if I was late for work. So was I BU?

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 09/03/2023 07:44

i agree with your daughter, he’s a grown up. I wouldn’t wake a housemate up or my parent if I lived with them and thought they overslept.

Forensix · 09/03/2023 07:47

I've got an 18 year old at home, and I leave him to it. He will also mention to me the night before if he's got a day off or a later start than usual, just so that we kind of know not to wake him anyway, but I leave him to it. He's an adult.

alrightnowthen · 09/03/2023 08:13

I would have done the same as you.

ibuymeownflowers · 09/03/2023 08:15

Yeah sorry I'd have left him but your DS should have taken it in the spirit it was intended

MrsBunnyEars · 09/03/2023 08:16

You were very unreasonable. How would you feel if someone intentionally woke you up on your day off, because they’d assumed you were too incompetent to sort your own life out?

Mammma91 · 09/03/2023 08:18

I’d have done the same as you but to my partner OP. He would’ve taken it in good faith and appreciated it anyway. Maybe in the future ask him to let you know the day before if he has the day off so you know in the future. He’ll get back to sleep I’m sure.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 09/03/2023 08:20

MrsBunnyEars · 09/03/2023 08:16

You were very unreasonable. How would you feel if someone intentionally woke you up on your day off, because they’d assumed you were too incompetent to sort your own life out?

Jeez, calm down

Ponoka7 · 09/03/2023 08:22

It's tough but you've got to leave them to it. No real harm done and you now know next time. I wouldn't get him to tell you when his days off are, he needs to be fully responsible for himself.

Sparklfairy · 09/03/2023 08:23

Sometimes you can't win. If he was actually late and you hadn't woken him, would he have said, 'why didn't you wake me?'

He didn't tell you he had the day off. Your intentions were good. Don't sweat it.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 09/03/2023 08:25

MrsBunnyEars · 09/03/2023 08:16

You were very unreasonable. How would you feel if someone intentionally woke you up on your day off, because they’d assumed you were too incompetent to sort your own life out?

She's hardly committed a war crime - calm down.

I'd probably have done the same as you OP. At least now you know not to in future.

OnAPostItNote · 09/03/2023 08:26

You a kind considerate mum with good intentions. I bet you do loads for your family. They should be grateful.

Suetcrust · 09/03/2023 08:26

If your son doesn’t want to be woken then he needs to be a team player and let the team know.

You are not a mind reader. In your shoes, I would have done the same. It’s what (some) mums do.

However, I’d now have a discussion with him (& your daughter for when her time comes) about how best to handle future situations like this. Perhaps some kind of “sign” they could use or a note on the kitchen worktop? Just a signal to show he’s on a day off?
Alternatively, , he could sling his hook and move out. That would be a “wake up” call!

OnAPostItNote · 09/03/2023 08:26

I meant ‘you are’.

maddy68 · 09/03/2023 08:27

I would have done the same as you. We all oversleep from time to time

Enko · 09/03/2023 08:30

MrsBunnyEars · 09/03/2023 08:16

You were very unreasonable. How would you feel if someone intentionally woke you up on your day off, because they’d assumed you were too incompetent to sort your own life out?

Clearly they can't sort their life out as they didnt communicate to people they live with that they had a day off.

Op I have children slightly older I would have voken them all if they had not told me they were off. Never once got told I was overstepping and twice had very.grateful children who had slept through their alarm.

Dh would ask at times is x working today when he thought they had slept in.

MirabelMax · 09/03/2023 08:30

I don’t think you were particularly interfering. I would have done the same for any family member.

Shalapoo · 09/03/2023 08:38

You weren’t interfering in the slightest. I’ve over slept a few times over the years and have always been grateful that DH has woken me. DH has also woken me when I’ve had the day off and that’s fine, I’ve just gone back to sleep 🤷🏼‍♀️.

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 09/03/2023 08:48

My mum defo did this to me and my brother (we both worked in farming in our 20s, so early starts).

She’d wake us at like 5:45, worrying she hadn’t heard us get up yet.

And we’d just thank her for looking out for us and go back to sleep.

And my brother is a bit of a twat. But even he would defo just appreciate she was being kind.

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 09/03/2023 08:50

You were interfering and overstepping appropriate boundaries. Back off.

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 09/03/2023 08:51

Enko · 09/03/2023 08:30

Clearly they can't sort their life out as they didnt communicate to people they live with that they had a day off.

Op I have children slightly older I would have voken them all if they had not told me they were off. Never once got told I was overstepping and twice had very.grateful children who had slept through their alarm.

Dh would ask at times is x working today when he thought they had slept in.

Show quote history

Why does a grown man have to tell mummy when he’s having a day off? Confused

No wonder there are so many incompetent men out there with mothers like this.

pizzaHeart · 09/03/2023 09:00

Sometimes you can't win. If he was actually late and you hadn't woken him, would he have said, 'why didn't you wake me?'
This ^ 100% @Sparklfairy I’m sure he would !
I was in this situation with DH a few times and he’s with me. We are both grown ups but things do happen e.g mobile can die. When you live as one unit you know each other’s routine and there are expectations of caring about each other at least a bit.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 09/03/2023 09:01

MrsBunnyEars · 09/03/2023 08:16

You were very unreasonable. How would you feel if someone intentionally woke you up on your day off, because they’d assumed you were too incompetent to sort your own life out?

To be fair, he WAS too incompetent to let his family know he was having a day off, so fair assumption on the not sorting his own life out front.

WandaWonder · 09/03/2023 09:08

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 09/03/2023 09:01

To be fair, he WAS too incompetent to let his family know he was having a day off, so fair assumption on the not sorting his own life out front.

Show quote history

If he had a go at the op for not waking I would agree

He slept in as did not need to get up how is that not sorting his own life out? Is there something I missed? He didn't need to get up!

MisgenderedSwan · 09/03/2023 09:14

I think you did a nice thing with good intentions. It won't kill him to have to turn over and go back to sleep.

However, I wouldn't wake him again! It must be so hard transitioning to being the parent of an adult when you've looked after them since they were babies. Make yourself a cup of tea and relax and enjoy your day!

Ragwort · 09/03/2023 09:24

I agree that you can't win in this situation, your DS should have let you know if he was having a day off and certainly not have a go at you for waking him. Most 20 year olds can easily get back to sleep. (I am parent to a 22 year old).

And living in the family home is not remotely like flat sharing Hmm ... of course it's normal behaviour to share courtesies such as whether or not you are home for a meal, if you are getting up early/late, not hogging the bathroom etc. No doubt the DS is benefiting from cheap board and lodging ... so show some respect for his parents or go and live in an expensive house share.