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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child Maintenance

65 replies

Dinosaureally · 08/03/2023 23:53

My ex & I have been divorced for a decade & our daughter has decided to live with her father & step mum as its closer to her school (she’s 15)…all fine however he has now decided to apply for child maintenance. She lived with me up until now & he did contribute to her living expenses but nowhere near enough but I did not push that..I’m fuming that he’s applied as we are amicable so he could have asked. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dinosaureally · 08/03/2023 23:56

Sorry I should’ve said aibu to make it difficult for him to claim maintenance

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 08/03/2023 23:59

I think you would be, yes. The money is for your daughter, to provide for her. I’d offer him the same amount he gave you - what’s sauce for the goose and all that. Did you not offer maintenance for her when she moved in with her dad?

Rtmhwales · 09/03/2023 00:02

What amount did he contribute and what amount was he meant to? You were entitled to claim the proper amount back then, just as he's doing now. It's unfortunate it can't be amicable though so maybe try talking to him and offering a similar amount he paid you as PP said.

Original poster
Dinosaureally · 09/03/2023 00:02

Jellycatspyjamas · 08/03/2023 23:59

I think you would be, yes. The money is for your daughter, to provide for her. I’d offer him the same amount he gave you - what’s sauce for the goose and all that. Did you not offer maintenance for her when she moved in with her dad?

Thank you, yes I did offer what I could afford (we earn significantly different wages) but he declined & said he’d sort it out

OP posts:
Original poster
Dinosaureally · 09/03/2023 00:05

Rtmhwales · 09/03/2023 00:02

What amount did he contribute and what amount was he meant to? You were entitled to claim the proper amount back then, just as he's doing now. It's unfortunate it can't be amicable though so maybe try talking to him and offering a similar amount he paid you as PP said.

He paid his daughter a quite substantial amount which after expenses I put into an account for her but I cannot contribute anywhere near that amount

OP posts:
ijustneedanamefgs · 09/03/2023 00:06

He should have spoke to you first. But he’s right to claim it.
We paid maintenance when dss lived with his mum, yet when he came to us she never paid it. We tried asking her just to pay for certain things for him, school dinners, some pocket money maybe, none of it happened. It probably would have lead to less resentment if we had just claimed tbh.

Original poster
Dinosaureally · 09/03/2023 00:06

He has gone to DWP for it which I’m angered by as he could have contacted me directly

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 09/03/2023 00:08

Thank you, yes I did offer what I could afford (we earn significantly different wages) but he declined & said he’d sort it out

Well that’s truly shitty behaviour on his part and I can totally understand your desire to make things difficult for him, but that would potentially impact your relationship with your daughter.

I’d check the CMS website and offer what they say you’d be due, just to get it sorted and avoid any further stress.

Original poster
Dinosaureally · 09/03/2023 00:13

Trouble is he did provide. I cannot do the same. I didn’t touch a penny of the money as ai said after expenses 80% was in savings for her as it’s not my right to take from my daughter but I feel very let down now & he’s got a new girlfriend so he won’t talk to me about it

OP posts:
ijustneedanamefgs · 09/03/2023 00:16

You said what he paid wasn’t near enough, but now say you saved 80% of it. What has him having a girlfriend got to do with it?
If he’s went to cms then you will only have to pay what they say, based on your earnings. You don’t need to match what he paid.

Rtmhwales · 09/03/2023 00:16

So the money is still in savings? If it was money for you to raise her, can't you just use from that pot to cover the CM for the next while until she's out of school?

If you're a lower earner your CM shouldn't be too substantial. Have you tried plugging it into the calculator?

PennyRa · 09/03/2023 00:17

You are financially responsible for your child

ConcordeOoter · 09/03/2023 00:18

That money belongs to her, not you or him so it would BU to try and withhold or delay it. Doubly so if it would cost resources.

What DH gave you in some informal arrangement is here nor there, just pay what you should for your daughter's upkeep.

Original poster
Dinosaureally · 09/03/2023 00:27

ijustneedanamefgs · 09/03/2023 00:16

You said what he paid wasn’t near enough, but now say you saved 80% of it. What has him having a girlfriend got to do with it?
If he’s went to cms then you will only have to pay what they say, based on your earnings. You don’t need to match what he paid.

He paid for her school fees but that doesn’t cover her cost of living, that wasn’t enough however he did contribute towards her lifestyle

OP posts:
LikeTearsInRain · 09/03/2023 00:29

You are making no sense. You used 20% of what presumably was a large sun of money received regularly to pay expenses. Then put 80% in savings for your daughter when she grows up?

Not sure why you’re complaining at having to pay some money towards her expenses now she’s not living with you

ChildcareIsBroken · 09/03/2023 03:31

If you were able to save 80% of what he paid then clearly that was enough? Otherwise why didn't you use that money?
Don't worry, CMS shouldn't be more than you can afford. It's not good communication on his part, he should have talked to you first.

Starlightstarbright1 · 09/03/2023 03:58

Well he did pay maintenance. Have you put your figures in cms calculator? That is the legal minimum you will be expected to pay regardless of what he did or didn’t pay tbh.

The none resident parent pays child maintenance..

Mortimercat · 09/03/2023 04:28

I can’t make much sense of this. If she is living with him now, why shouldn’t he apply for child maintenance? I also don’t understand why you say he didn’t pay enough maintenance when you were RP but also that you saved 80% of it. You shouldn’t have saved it, it was child “maintenance” not child savings.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/03/2023 04:56

Why did you save 80%? That was for you to provide for your dd. Use some of that money to pay maintenance if necessary.

Ponderingwindow · 09/03/2023 05:00

Why are you angry? Applying for maintenance is a completely normal, neutral action.

If it bothers you, it could have been preempted by going online and using the calculator to determine your minimum legal obligatory payments. Then you could have started sending at least that minimum as soon as the custody arrangement changed.

Mexicola · 09/03/2023 06:09

Can you imagine if it was a man that said he didn’t want to pay for his child? He’d rightly so get his arse handed to him on a plate and given a knife and fork!!

you’re contradicting yourself- you said he didn’t contribute enough then said he paid a lot and you were able to save it?

I think reading between the lines your annoyed he didn’t just speak to you about it but went “behind” your back and made a claim.

just pay whatever the CSA amount says and be done with it.

ibuymeownflowers · 09/03/2023 06:14

I'm a bit confused about the money he gave you. But you can't expect to not pay maintenance. Have you used the CMS calculator to work out how much they'll charge you? If you do it without getting them to collect and pay then he gets more money so might be worth mentioning that to him.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 09/03/2023 06:16

Just go to the calculator its really easu to work out ans he shouldbt accept less as thats the minimum amount.
My son is only 4 and with me all the tine and his self employed dad gives me 75 a month... If my son 3ver lived with him full -(god forbid) time mine would be 600 or so as im a high earner. But its the rules, you pay for your child.

ibuymeownflowers · 09/03/2023 06:17

You say you put money into a savings account after expenses- so the expenses are the maintenance? And he paid school fees too? I'm genuinely not sure how he hasn't been paying you maintenance.

Forensix · 09/03/2023 09:53

That money he gave you wasn't for savings it was to raise her. So you say he never gave you enough but you managed to save 80% of it. Just use what you saved to pay him now.