Page 3 | Child Maintenance

Dinosaureally · 2023-03-08T23:53:06+00:00

My ex & I have been divorced for a decade & our daughter has decided to live with her father & step mum as its closer to her school (she’s 15)…all fine however he has now decided to apply for child maintenance. She lived with me up until now & he did contribute to her living expenses but nowhere near enough but I did not push that..I’m fuming that he’s applied as we are amicable so he could have asked. AIBU?

Marchforward · 09/03/2023 11:13

Be honest with yourself. Lots of your comments aren’t making logical sense and you mention the new girl friend a few times. Are you annoyed about the new girl? That question is for you, you don’t need to reply to it.

Your ex has applies for maintenance as his is right to support the cost of raising his daughter. You could have done this too. It’s not clear if he has paid the amount CMS would have suggested (including school fees) or not but if he wasn’t that was down to you to sort in the past.

Porkandbeans1 · 09/03/2023 11:23

I think that going through child maintenance is the fair thing to do. They will work out what you should pay as a percentage of your earnings. It sounds like your ex has contributed significantly although I am a little confused by your posts.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 09/03/2023 11:32

Dinosaureally · 09/03/2023 00:13

Trouble is he did provide. I cannot do the same. I didn’t touch a penny of the money as ai said after expenses 80% was in savings for her as it’s not my right to take from my daughter but I feel very let down now & he’s got a new girlfriend so he won’t talk to me about it

His gf is irrelevant, he paid towards your daughter, now you need to do the same because CMS will make you.

bellac11 · 09/03/2023 11:33

ArcticSkewer · 09/03/2023 11:02

The op says in the first post and several other posts that he could have just asked and she is specifically upset that he chose to put in a formal request rather than just ask her directly. That's what I took from the posts.

I'd be upset about that as well, it's not very amicable, and op thought they had an amicable relationship, as stated.

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But its clear he wants to go through the formal channels, as I woud. As most women do. Whats the problem with that and why would you be upset about it?

ArcticSkewer · 09/03/2023 11:47

bellac11 · 09/03/2023 11:33

But its clear he wants to go through the formal channels, as I woud. As most women do. Whats the problem with that and why would you be upset about it?

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Me personally?

God I'd be horrified if my relationship with my ex was so bad that we couldn't just have a chat and sort something out.

I'd actually take that as quite an insult to our co parenting relationship and our social skills. It would never happen, so that's fine, we are adult enough to work things out between us without needing the government to step in.

That's me though, and not as such relevant to the op, although I do think her posts are less about the money and more about the informal (when he was supposed to pay) vs formal (when she is supposed to pay) route and how she feels it reflects on their amicable/otherwise status.

Sirzy · 09/03/2023 11:51

Dinosaureally · 09/03/2023 00:27

He paid for her school fees but that doesn’t cover her cost of living, that wasn’t enough however he did contribute towards her lifestyle

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If you were lucky enough to be able to save significant amounts of what he gave then you can’t argue he didn’t provide enough.

uou need to pay towards your daughter

PeekAtYou · 09/03/2023 12:01

Using the CMS rather than accepting a random amount from you reduces the awkwardness around discussing money and will help him accept what a fair figure from you is. CM is set as a percentage of your income so it's not the same amount that he used to pay you. If you're nervous about not knowing the final figure, use a CM calculator online to see how much you will likely have to pay. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to use the CMS. Some people don't want to have to discuss money and using the CMS is a way to keep that kind of thing businesslike. They calculate a figure deemed fair so there's no negotiating.

Do you understand what CM is for? You say you didn't receive enough but saved 80% of it? CM is your ex's contribution to the cost of raising your dd on the days that she's with you eg food and clothes. You and her dad can save for her too but it doesn't have to be out of the CM amount.

MelchiorsMistress · 09/03/2023 12:05

It doesn’t matter if you can’t afford as much as he could afford. If he’s gone through CMS they will assess your income and you will be ordered to pay what they think you can afford.

This is normal for NRPs. Why do you think you’re any different?

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 09/03/2023 12:28

ArcticSkewer · 09/03/2023 10:40

You don't think it weird to say'no I don't want maintenance ' then instead put in a claim for maintenance (when the next step anyway is to then approach the parent to agree maintenance informally?)

Why wouldn't you just say 'yes I would like maintenance. Let's use the cms calculator or agree an amount between us'?

Do words not have meaning? no is yes?

From what OP wrote it could have been
OP’s ex: « I have checked the calculator and maintenance should be around x »
OP: « I can’t afford that, I’ll give you y max »
OP’s ex goes « this is not enough » and goes to CMS.

What I mean is OP’s « he declined » doesn’t necessarily mean the ex declined to receive any money, it could mean declining the offer. TBH when it is men wanting to pay only the CMS amount they are told that it is the bare minimum, so not sure why OP thinks paying even less is acceptable.

Chocolatelabradorsarethebest · 09/03/2023 12:39

I get the feeling OP’s been on to a good thing for years and now the tables have turned she’s throwing her toys out the pram! Time to act like a big girl and support yourself and your child.

ArcticSkewer · 09/03/2023 13:08

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 09/03/2023 12:28

From what OP wrote it could have been
OP’s ex: « I have checked the calculator and maintenance should be around x »
OP: « I can’t afford that, I’ll give you y max »
OP’s ex goes « this is not enough » and goes to CMS.

What I mean is OP’s « he declined » doesn’t necessarily mean the ex declined to receive any money, it could mean declining the offer. TBH when it is men wanting to pay only the CMS amount they are told that it is the bare minimum, so not sure why OP thinks paying even less is acceptable.

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Maybe.
Op is unclear on quite a lot.
She does say several times that he could have approached her directly and asked.

Maybe op will update at some point ....

Flamingogirl08 · 09/03/2023 13:29

This post makes zero sense to me but if I understand it correctly her dad paid you an amount of which you spent 20% on expenses and saved 80% and he also paid her school fees so that's quite alot!

Now your daughter is living with him full time but you're annoyed about having to pay maintenance 🙄

My DH paid maintenance for DSD but she recently has been living with us 5/6 days a week due to her Mums new job. DH told her mum that maintenance would be stopping and she was outraged. He hasn't suggested claiming child benefit or getting maintenance off her just said that of course he won't be paying maintenance if DSD is with us most of the time. The behaviour out of her has been shocking just complete entitlement. I am getting the same vibe here.

Tinkerbyebye · 09/03/2023 13:36

Just tell him the money he sent is in an account on your child’s name and he needs to access that

FlippyFloppyShoe · 09/03/2023 13:40

I could understand it if you had needed more of his cm...say for example you earn £2000 and you get CMS of £500 so you get a mortgage based on £2500 income which might mean your payments were quite high and your house is the same whether your DC live there or not, so heating, electric, water fuel would not be amazingly different, but these are what cm would contribute too. Then council tax is unaffected but is a static cost too...maybe OPs fixed costs take up most of her earnings and losing the £500 on top of them having to pay out cm means it is unaffordable. You could be looking at a £1000 change in income....only the very rich wouldn't notice that.
OP I would use what is saved to give back to him as a top up and that yourself for being prudent. I know it's not what you want for your DC but it is being used correctly.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 09/03/2023 13:46

You’re getting a hard time op but the general gist is right. You need to pay cm. Yes he should have spoken to you first, yes he should understand that you can afford what you can afford but he isn’t really wrong for wanting this to be all above board.

I wouldn’t worry about cms as the amounts awarded are generally pitiful - as a pp said it’s the bare minimum. But insignificant or not, you do need to pay it. If only so you can look your dd in the eye and tell her that you contributed to her expenses.