Page 2 | Child Maintenance

Dinosaureally · 2023-03-08T23:53:06+00:00

My ex & I have been divorced for a decade & our daughter has decided to live with her father & step mum as its closer to her school (she’s 15)…all fine however he has now decided to apply for child maintenance. She lived with me up until now & he did contribute to her living expenses but nowhere near enough but I did not push that..I’m fuming that he’s applied as we are amicable so he could have asked. AIBU?

Forensix · 09/03/2023 09:55

Dinosaureally · 09/03/2023 00:06

He has gone to DWP for it which I’m angered by as he could have contacted me directly

He dis contact you directly, you offered an amount that wasn't enough so now he's going through the proper channels instead.

Forensix · 09/03/2023 09:55

*did

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/03/2023 10:05

You are contradicting yourself.

You say it wasn't enough but then say you managed to save 80%. They can't both be true.

Just use the calculator. You'll save far more with your DD not living with you as child maintenance is a pittance.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2023 10:10

Just pay the CMS figure. Of course you can afford it, it’s a percentage of your income.

He clearly paid you plenty if you could afford to save it for her rather than using it to pay for the costs of housing, clothing and feeding her.

You’re annoyed she’s chosen to live with him, fair enough, but that doesn’t mean you can get out of paying.

Given the tone you’re using I can see why he’s going down official channels - I think you mean CMS not DWP - rather than trying to do it between you.

Knitterofcrap · 09/03/2023 10:15

I can’t understand what has happened here, can you be more specific?

It sounds like you made some weird arrangements with XH and didn’t follow normal protocol which is to agree a regular periodic payment for XH to pay TO YOU for the benefit of your dd.

He is now following correct protocol so no, you have nothing to complain about. You should probably pay him around 15% of your net pay each month if that helps to understand what the norm is.

Yousee · 09/03/2023 10:23

Dinosaureally · 09/03/2023 00:27

He paid for her school fees but that doesn’t cover her cost of living, that wasn’t enough however he did contribute towards her lifestyle

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Would it be a reasonable assumption that your DD spent a fair amount of time at her Dad's? I'm imagining she must have done if she felt comfortable deciding off her own bat to live there and it's closer to her school?
So her Dad has covered her school fees and contributed to her lifestyle up to now. Not sure exactly what your understanding of her "cost of living" is but if you mean things like the cost cost of her bedroom (mortgage/rent/CT/energy etc) then he will have had those same expenses at his house too. Do you pay for her food at your home and he paid for phone and subscriptions and things like that (lifestyle?)
If you then saved 80% of it he's been paying alot of money towards his child in your home, his home and school.
You need to contribute. If that's £100 per month instead of the thousands he's been paying then fair enough.

londonrach · 09/03/2023 10:27

Works both ways...if she living with him you need to pay maintenance. His girlfriend has no effect on this. She not the mum you are. Can't you use some of the money he gave you for maintenance you saved.

MamaCanYouBuyMeABanana · 09/03/2023 10:29

He paid for school, and enough in expenses that you could save 80% of it despite being on a low income?

Now you don't want to pay what you're due towards your dd because he is loaded?

You're completely wrong, and I understand why he's taken this route considering your attitude on here, best to get it sorted out legally so you all know where you stand.

Pay for your kid.

rothbury · 09/03/2023 10:31

I’m wondering if the ex paid a big lump sum directly to the DD or some such oddness?

It just doesn’t make sense as described, but yes OP, YABU to make it difficult as you said.

bellac11 · 09/03/2023 10:33

You said in your OP that he paid you maintenance but 'no where near enough', then later you say he paid a substantial amount and you saved most of it each month?

None of this makes sense. You were entitled to claim CM, its a normal thing to do, its part of the process. He is now entitled to do the same, whats the matter with him doing that?

They will work the amount out and then its a formal arrangement with a neutrally calcualated amount

ArcticSkewer · 09/03/2023 10:36

It's weird that he refused your offer of maintenance then went direct to cms instead, but there's nothing much you can do. Just calculate how many nights she will be with you (is she staying with you all school holidays for example?) and pay whatever it says. It's an after pension contribution so don't just put in your gross salary when working it out.
Have you decided what to do about the child benefit claim as really that should move across but he probably isn't entitled if he earns over 60k

bellac11 · 09/03/2023 10:38

ArcticSkewer · 09/03/2023 10:36

It's weird that he refused your offer of maintenance then went direct to cms instead, but there's nothing much you can do. Just calculate how many nights she will be with you (is she staying with you all school holidays for example?) and pay whatever it says. It's an after pension contribution so don't just put in your gross salary when working it out.
Have you decided what to do about the child benefit claim as really that should move across but he probably isn't entitled if he earns over 60k

Why is it weird?

ArcticSkewer · 09/03/2023 10:40

You don't think it weird to say'no I don't want maintenance ' then instead put in a claim for maintenance (when the next step anyway is to then approach the parent to agree maintenance informally?)

Why wouldn't you just say 'yes I would like maintenance. Let's use the cms calculator or agree an amount between us'?

Do words not have meaning? no is yes?

Starlitestarbright · 09/03/2023 10:40

Just because your female doesn't mean you not financially responsible. By your attitude I can see why he went straight to cms. I'm gobsmacked by your attitude tbh.

davegrohll · 09/03/2023 10:49

So because you're a woman you think you don't need to pay towards your child... when they're living with their dad ? Double standards that some women have this is. I can imagine sd mum thinking the same way to be honest !

JJ8765 · 09/03/2023 10:51

Off topic but will she be likely to go to uni. If so she will get a lower maintenance loan living with a high earner so check he intends to make up the shortfall. Moneysavingexpert has a calculator. If she needed a higher loan it would be better for her to live with you I think they need to have been at the address for 2 years. You can’t just swap addresses at the time.

bellac11 · 09/03/2023 10:53

ArcticSkewer · 09/03/2023 10:40

You don't think it weird to say'no I don't want maintenance ' then instead put in a claim for maintenance (when the next step anyway is to then approach the parent to agree maintenance informally?)

Why wouldn't you just say 'yes I would like maintenance. Let's use the cms calculator or agree an amount between us'?

Do words not have meaning? no is yes?

Thats not what I took from the OP, it seemed to me he was saying 'no I dont want to take your calculation of maintenance' and wants to go through formal channels. Which he is entitled to do.

I didnt get from it he was saying he didnt want maintenance. In any case he is entitled to change his mind if he did originally say that.

mrsm43s · 09/03/2023 10:53

CMS is the BARE MINIMUM that you should be paying, especially if you are on a low wage. It's unlikely to cover a fair share of her costs.

If you offered less than the CMS rate, then you are a CF, and he is absolutely right to have gone to the CMS to enforce a fair payment.

Sorry, can't make head nor tail of him paying less than needed, but also you managed to save 80% of it! Makes no sense at all. In fact, reading between the lines, it sounds as though his higher wage significantly subsidised your household, and now you're upset that you're being expected to pay your own way, including a fair contribution towards your daughter's costs.

On the face of it, it seems like he's being entirely reasonable, and you entirely unreasonable. I don't understand why you would have a problem with him contacting CMS, unless you were planning to shirk your responsibility to pay reasonably towards your daughters costs? If you were planning on doing the decent thing and paying anyway, it makes no difference, does it?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2023 10:59

If a woman posted that her ex was offering her “what he could afford” and it was less than she thought she’d get via the CMS and he was being a bit chippy about it, she’d be advised to stop engaging with him and just open a claim. I know that because it’s happened plenty of times. She’d be told not to accept him pitiful offer, the money is to contribute to the costs of the shared child, and to get every penny due.

Whether the paying parent is male or female is irrelevant. The only reason people seem to think it is is that men are blamed for being the non resident parent and leaving the hard work to mums, and blamed for being the resident parent and taking the kids off mum to feather their own nests with maintenance. 50/50 is apparently even worse because the child has no one stable home and men only request it to avoid paying maintenance.

In this case, it’s not up to OP how much maintenance she wants to pay or what happens to the child benefit. She won’t have the child living with her so doesn’t get the child benefit. Her ex potentially earning over the threshold isn’t relevant.

bellac11 · 09/03/2023 11:01

Absolutely, the way this man is being portrayed on here for 'going behind her back' is unbelievable

ArcticSkewer · 09/03/2023 11:02

bellac11 · 09/03/2023 10:53

Thats not what I took from the OP, it seemed to me he was saying 'no I dont want to take your calculation of maintenance' and wants to go through formal channels. Which he is entitled to do.

I didnt get from it he was saying he didnt want maintenance. In any case he is entitled to change his mind if he did originally say that.

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The op says in the first post and several other posts that he could have just asked and she is specifically upset that he chose to put in a formal request rather than just ask her directly. That's what I took from the posts.

I'd be upset about that as well, it's not very amicable, and op thought they had an amicable relationship, as stated.

ArcticSkewer · 09/03/2023 11:05

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2023 10:59

If a woman posted that her ex was offering her “what he could afford” and it was less than she thought she’d get via the CMS and he was being a bit chippy about it, she’d be advised to stop engaging with him and just open a claim. I know that because it’s happened plenty of times. She’d be told not to accept him pitiful offer, the money is to contribute to the costs of the shared child, and to get every penny due.

Whether the paying parent is male or female is irrelevant. The only reason people seem to think it is is that men are blamed for being the non resident parent and leaving the hard work to mums, and blamed for being the resident parent and taking the kids off mum to feather their own nests with maintenance. 50/50 is apparently even worse because the child has no one stable home and men only request it to avoid paying maintenance.

In this case, it’s not up to OP how much maintenance she wants to pay or what happens to the child benefit. She won’t have the child living with her so doesn’t get the child benefit. Her ex potentially earning over the threshold isn’t relevant.

well it is up to the op to cancel her cb claim! It's her claim in her name Which is why I mentioned it. If he is a high earner he won't be asking for it to be transferred, will he?!
I don't know whether it needs to be cancelled but it's something to look into. She doesn't want to be accused of claiming it when she wasn't entitled later down the line.
Same applies to other benefits of course but cb is something forgotten about sometimes

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2023 11:05

He clearly doesn’t think it’s amicable. And if she’d voluntarily offered to pay the full amount he’d probably have accepted. Only they know what’s really going on.

But OP seems confused on the details and resentful of having to pay despite receiving plenty of money when she was the RP. So her ex is doing the right thing by making it official and taking the feelings out of it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2023 11:06

ArcticSkewer · 09/03/2023 11:05

well it is up to the op to cancel her cb claim! It's her claim in her name Which is why I mentioned it. If he is a high earner he won't be asking for it to be transferred, will he?!
I don't know whether it needs to be cancelled but it's something to look into. She doesn't want to be accused of claiming it when she wasn't entitled later down the line.
Same applies to other benefits of course but cb is something forgotten about sometimes

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It’s up to him to make a counter claim which he’ll be able to evidence.

ArcticSkewer · 09/03/2023 11:10

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2023 11:06

It’s up to him to make a counter claim which he’ll be able to evidence.

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Labouring the point a bit, as it was just advice for op really, but if he doesn't put in a counter claim (as he earns too much) then op is claiming it for a child who doesn't live with her. It's easy to overlook that kind of thing for ages and forget to cancel the claim.