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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow DD to sleepover with her boyfriend

54 replies

hula3s · 08/03/2023 23:37

DD is 15 , she's in a relationship and her bf is also 15, theyve been in an on/off relationship since they were in year 7 but they haven't broken up for over a year.

He was diagnosed with sepsis last year and he was very unwell, he is still struggling with being very tired and weak etc. It did also affect DD a lot but she is now okay and she's supporting him.

It's his birthday this weekend and he's invited DD to spend it with him and his family at a small party which I have no issue with, the issue is he's asked DD to sleep over on Friday night, which I've said no to as I feel they're still too young.

DD is very annoyed at this and has said they aren't going to have sex (which I didn't mention) which I should ‘already know’ as he is still not 100% well, I don't care about him as it's the one thing he wants (he hasn't asked for a present, just to see her) etc.

I'm now wondering if I'm being a bit mean by saying no.

So mumsnet, AIBU?

OP posts:
qwertykeyboards · 08/03/2023 23:38

Yanbu.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 08/03/2023 23:38

Can you speak to his parents about sleeping arrangements? I’m sure it could be managed.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/03/2023 23:39

Same room or not?

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 08/03/2023 23:40

er, no. you're not being mean.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/03/2023 23:40

She's 15, she does not need to sleep over at her boyfriend's, especially if that's not something you agree with. You're the parent, you make the rules, and anyone else's opinion on the matter is irrelevant.

Blablablanamechangagain · 08/03/2023 23:41

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 08/03/2023 23:38

Can you speak to his parents about sleeping arrangements? I’m sure it could be managed.

This. My bf was allowed to sleep over...in the spare room. There was ZERO funny business, would have been too mortified being caught 🤣🤣

girlfriend44 · 08/03/2023 23:41

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/03/2023 23:39

Same room or not?

Wouldn't matter, you just sneak into the other room don't you?

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 08/03/2023 23:42

Presumably you know the other parents?

if it was separate rooms and I trusted both the other parents and my daughter, I probably would allow.

Fansandblankets · 08/03/2023 23:42

I have a 15 and a 16 year old. It would be a firm No to both of them.

partiefantasy · 08/03/2023 23:42

I would trust my daughter... if I liked the guy

Fansandblankets · 08/03/2023 23:42

girlfriend44 · 08/03/2023 23:41

Wouldn't matter, you just sneak into the other room don't you?

Show quote history

Yes if you’ve got absolutely no respect for your parents.

lailamaria · 08/03/2023 23:48

i would just say yes but separate rooms and if they break the rules you won't consider it again until they're 18

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/03/2023 23:48

Wouldn't matter, you just sneak into the other room don't you?

My dad used to threaten to sleep in the hall. With a bat.

But having a conversation about respect and expectations and boundaries works better than that.

Proudofitbabe · 08/03/2023 23:49

At 15 it would be a firm no from me.

girlfriend44 · 08/03/2023 23:51

Fansandblankets · 08/03/2023 23:42

Yes if you’ve got absolutely no respect for your parents.

Show quote history

How stupid, nothing to do with respect it's hormones and human nature taking over.

dottypotter · 08/03/2023 23:53

Why do ppl always assume they can stop a teen having sex because they ban a sleepover.

There are other times and places it can happen. You can't ban them ever being alone together.

Is it getting pregnant your worried about, if so that can happen anytime not just a sleepover.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 08/03/2023 23:57

dottypotter · 08/03/2023 23:53

Why do ppl always assume they can stop a teen having sex because they ban a sleepover.

There are other times and places it can happen. You can't ban them ever being alone together.

Is it getting pregnant your worried about, if so that can happen anytime not just a sleepover.

so you just shrug your shoulders and give up on the parenting thing?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/03/2023 23:58

Why do ppl always assume they can stop a teen having sex because they ban a sleepover.

Not a single person has said that on this thread, and I have never once encountered a parent who thinks they can prevent their child from having sex. It's about enforcing certain boundaries you have for your child which is not unreasonable. A 15 year does not need to be sleeping over at her boyfriend's. There is absolutely no benefit to them doing so.

Original poster
hula3s · 09/03/2023 00:01

They would be in the same room, yes. I don't think I can ban them from having sex, that isn't my reasons for saying no, I just think they're both still too young (especially DD).

DD also used the reasoning that she should be allowed as she is allowed in his room during the day, which his parents did confirm a few months ago as they said they do allow it when he's very tired and just wants to watch a film but they check on them regularly etc which they obviously won't be doing at night.

OP posts:
BashfulClam · 09/03/2023 00:03

Separate tooms? My ex when he was a teenager had his girlfriend staying in a spare room downstairs (her home life was chaotic and his mum offered hit must be in separate rooms). He just snuck down in the dead of night. He could tell me exactly which stairs creaked in his parents house. At 16 they were basically at it like rabbits.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/03/2023 00:08

You have appropriate boundaries for your 15 year old daughter. Stand firm. I don't understand why you're waivering, honestly. Your daughter is trying to manipulate you, which is normal, but you need to be the parent here, not her mate.

Soakitup37 · 09/03/2023 00:14

are they just 15 or almost 16? That does make a difference.

I was with my teen boyfriend from 15 to 21 and by 16 sex was very much on the cards. My parents said they’d rather we were educated and safe than us being told no and doing it anyway. Which would have definitely been the case.

If it not about sex what’s bothering you? They are obviously very close and fond of each other.

fUNNYfACE36 · 09/03/2023 00:28

If she's 15 I am pretty sure the parents will not be encouraging their son to have sex with an underage girl and sleep them in different rooms.yes they will sneak together and have s3x in the night.z T hey will have sex anyway regardless of this sleepover

WiIson · 09/03/2023 00:32

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/03/2023 23:48

Wouldn't matter, you just sneak into the other room don't you?

My dad used to threaten to sleep in the hall. With a bat.

But having a conversation about respect and expectations and boundaries works better than that.

😂 my dad patrolled the house at night. But I was his daughter. Would the same happen for parents of sons? Although I probably would if my son had a girlfriend sleeping over tbf.

Fansandblankets · 09/03/2023 01:23

girlfriend44 · 08/03/2023 23:51

How stupid, nothing to do with respect it's hormones and human nature taking over.

Show quote history

Bull. It’s complete disrespect if your parents have provided a separate room. I was a teenager once and I have 4 kids, 2 adults and 2 teens. None of them would dream of being that disrespectful. Hormones and human nature 🙄

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