How do you get over feeling your life hasn't worked out as you wished?

[MassiveCupOfCoffee]

I've achieved nothing. Too old now. Everything seems very surreal, looking back. I have been chronically ill since my teens and it is very hard to accept how it has shaped my life. Not making excuses, it's not that it's stopped me doing any one thing in particular, but the cumulative impact of never being well enough. Never having energy to put in long hours. Being told not to have a baby for years, as real chance we'd both die. And on it goes.

I can't be the only one in this situation. How do you reframe things and find meaning?

Hi @MassiveCupOfCoffee I’m sorry you’re feeling like this and I can’t know how you feel, as it’s your own personal situation.

I do have feelings sometimes, as time goes on, that I’ve left things too late and haven’t done enough with my life so far but it’s my circumstances that have created that and so not my fault really.

I don’t like to have regrets about the past because if I did, that means I wouldn’t now have my children but the plans I had before I met Dh were very different than how it played out. I don’t feel unfulfilled but I do wish I had been braver and perhaps made different decisions. For example, got over my fears and then travelled more with my family.

I try to find inner peace, which is what I think is important for everyone to do. Things dont always turn out the way you plan but I believe that fate takes a part and I believe that if certain things hadn’t happened in that way, something else more awful could have happened.

What nice things do you have in your life? I would say build on those and try to find new things you’ll enjoy.
I can’t imagine the pain of being told not to try for a baby - a very difficult thing to move on from.

What do you feel a longing to do now in your life?
Because if there is something, maybe it’s not too late to go for it?

When you say you’ve achieved nothing, I bet that’s not true. Achievements don’t have to be tangible.
On a career scale, I’ve not really achieved anything but on an emotional level I know I’ve made my family happy by little things I’ve done to help them. They’re all achievements too.

I think simplifying your life helps to find meaning and makes it easier to think - since making my life more simple, I’ve felt much more grateful for tiny little things - singing birds and smells of outdoors etc (sounds a bit cringe but it’s true). My senses feel heightened and it’s because I don’t feel like I need ‘stuff’ anymore. I want to be in nature and be inspired by beautiful music and I don’t need as many people in my life to be happy.

That’s just me. But there will be things perhaps like that which might help you reframe your life.

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply, Verbena17. In terms of travel, do you think you will try to plan time doing that at a different stage in life when your kids are grown up?

Yes, the little things are definitely important. I agree with you there. Lately though I feel quite numb. I'm struggling to really enjoy anything.

I lost my mother recently and as well as the loss of her, it has made my whole life seem bleak and grey and hopeless in a very final sort of way.

I would love to see the answer to this.

Hi - I completely 100% understand . I suffer with chronic illness myself…people have no idea about the drain it is on you and your confidence / self worth.

it has got a bit better but still way off my ‘normal’ self. Here are some ways I try and reframe things:

focus on what you can do and not what you can’t. A therapist told me don’t compare yourself to when u were well years ago - just think abo yesterday and am I feeling a little better. A solid and fulfilling routine is absolutely fundamental and it goes without saying good diet etc

I am so so grateful for little things now -I cudnt leave house for 6 mths and now just a nice coffee on park bench watching world go by is a privilege. Having an interesting conversation with my family or kids. Painting a birthday card for someone special. watching their face as they open a present they wanted. Do every action mindfully and consciously be grateful for little moments of joy. There are some people who cannot even get out of bed.

Nature can help heal the soul - I now see the beauty in it everywhere I have favorite trees, birds, plants etc. Be outside as much as humanly possible - that is our natural habitat.

Ok it hasn’t been easy but it is not your fault and if you can have some joy then find it everyday. I only try and do things I enjoy now with people I like.

good luck and don’t give up - yes you are ill and yes you have limits but you can control your love, attitude and reactions. That is huge ! Keep going and stay strong 💪

Do you like animals? I'm in a very similar position to you and since getting my cat I have been happier.

I’m so sorry you lost your mum. It’s understandable why you’re feeling bleak.
Do you have siblings or other family to talk to and to help support you?

In terms of travel, I have a fear of flying and so it’s very limiting. I hope to go perhaps to Norway/Sweden at some point. My DS is autistic and doesn’t like to leave the house to visit places or go away and so it’s quite restricting. That’s something I plan to work on though because it’s a lot of time to wait.

Interesting question. I would probably appear p'successful' by most measures. Lovely family, good job, well paid. Generally good health.

Lately I am harking back to the days when the dcs were very small and I was working pt and studying. I have the opportunity to go for an executive level post and I'm not sure I can be bothered with the extra stress and longer hours.

I'd love more time to read, to spend in the garden, maybe volunteer. I'm sick to fuck of targets and goals, and always striving. The promotions just come with golden handcuffs and the need for more rewards to make up for the shit every day.

OP, what do you enjoy doing?

OP, what do you enjoy doing?

On some days, like yesterday, absolutely nothing.

I am generally able to take pleasure in lots of little things, a really good cup of tea, a hot shower, just thinking and reading about stuff I'm very interested in.

But some days I feel like I will never be interested in anything again. It's frightening. I just want my mum.

May I ask how old you are?

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. This does sound like grief, and it is possible that the acute grief of your loss may be heightening the longer-term grief of your life having been harder than it might otherwise have been.

I'm in my late thirties so no spring chicken! I mean, grief when you lose your mum is always going to be very hard, I accept that. But everything just seems very tough all the time. I don't seem to get anywhere.

I would have loved children of my own tbh.

Aw OP, I'm sorry for the loss of your mum. But maybe you can reframe it a little? My mum is alive but from the day I was born she has been/is so uncaring. I have never known a mother's love and that hurts. Losing someone you love is so hard but to have nearly 40 good years with a loving mother is better than 50 or 60 with one who couldn't care less.

None of us have "perfect" lives. Yes there are a few genuinely lucky souls who seem to have it all, but even then maybe they don't?

You are right in that you find the meaning in small things that bring you joy. I'm sure you brought your mother immeasurable happiness. She would want you to be happy (I have adult DC myself and I know its all I want for them). That being said, you are grieving so please don't be too hard on yourself. It will take time.

I can’t offer any advice but I can sympathise OP, I have a big birthday this year which makes it worse. I have resigned myself to the fact that this is my life is done (a large lottery win would improve things however), sadly poor mental health hasn’t helped. It’s pretty shit.

Wow you are still young!

What about fostering? Emergency fostering?

I need to get my head around this too. Almost 50 with nothing to show for it. Maybe things will improve when my dcs leave home but I'm not hopeful.

How old are you?
I am 50 and felt like that for years, so last September I went back to college and have a place at university beginning later this year.

I’m 50. I had a traumatic childhood - I have wealthy family, Alive and living close but they are awful and abusive so we have no contact. I love my town and we relocated back here.
I have two children. I am lucky and I have a great job, two dogs and rent a lovely house. I do keep thinking when …. I will do x but it doesn’t happen.

I am autistic and as a consequence some things like my bedroom just can not seem to get tidy yet I can control work etc but only so much and I just begin to sort out the garage etc

I would love to have a kind partner. But I do take pleasure in a nice bath, lovely warm bed complete with dogs and a great book!

for me I’m hoping my children have a better life!

These women who are saying they nothing to show for it…..that’s not true!
I really think social media and the celeb thing has made women feel as though they aren’t achieving but achieving doesn’t just mean in huge ways.

Think how it makes you feel when you give a bumble bee a teaspoon of sugar water?
Think how much love/appreciation an elderly person feels if you hold the door or reach for something for them on a high up shelf.
Just cooking yourself a nice meal you’ve not tried before - that’s an achievement.
Finishing a book you’ve enjoyed.

Achievements can be tiny things every day - they don’t have to manifest as something massive that everyone else sees.

@MassiveCupOfCoffee I know you’re longing for a family. Whether you’ve come to terms with not having a family or whether you might consider looking into alternative pathways at some point, you are still in your 30’s and definitely do have time on your side 🤗

Sorry you are having a rotten time OP of course you want your mum, that’s completely natural, grief is very difficult to navigate.

My life hasn’t turned out how I hoped either, I live with MS, every bloody day, it’s tough. I never dreamed I would be in this situation, but I am and have to get on with it.

I don't know, is the honest answer. I am lucky, apart from a years blip in my twenties I was healthy until my mid thirties, so able to progress my career and be sporty etc. But now I have developed myasthenia gravis and even the smallest tasks are hard. And the steroids have altered my body and face beyond recognition. And I feel like I don't recognise myself, how i spend my days. And I feel like people must look and me and constantly make judgements.

Like the colleague who made a joke that I wouldn't ever been seen in a gym . But I love exercise, I just can't do it. I used to be size 8 and very fit.

So I don't know and i am struggling with it.

It's lonely and isolating (sometimes I can't even speak or type)

I am grateful for my love of reading it it feels passive, and sometimes I wonder what is the point.

I do volunteer, as a trustee and also receiving documents for a charity, both I can mainly do even from bed if needed and they do bring me a little satisfaction. But mainly I just feel lost and like I want to walk around with a big sticker that says "this isn't me."

You're very young, OP.

You're in the thick of grief. Don't demand too much from yourself at the moment.

Might you be able to access some really good therapy? Preferably in the person-centred modality.

I feel like this ... really unhappy in general with my husband, I've just started to realised how incompatible we are, and now I think "is this it" ...

@SweetSakura and @MassiveCupOfCoffee

both your situations sound very tough.

Lovely post from @Hertsdad5 that gives good advice.

I also have a chronic condition that I've had since my early 30s, and now late 50s some days are a real struggle to walk, and living with chronic pain is no joke. Somehow I try to feel that my glass is half full rather than half empty, but it can be very hard. It is hard not to compare to others who seem to walk about without a care in the world (I know that's probably an illusion).

Keep on keeping on and hugs to all who are struggling for whatever reason.

I take comfort in knowing I am not the only one who feels like this

I think most of feel like this at some point or other. Nothing is ever what you think it's going to be.

Well what I try to do is just accept I’m dojng my best

nor easy tho when the world is set to to make you feel that’s not enough and you need for be doing this and do that
usually because of the capitalist world we live in
and all marketing we are bombarded by
can be hard to turn the that noise out by that’s what I try to do