How do you get over feeling your life hasn't worked out as you wished?

[MassiveCupOfCoffee]

I've achieved nothing. Too old now. Everything seems very surreal, looking back. I have been chronically ill since my teens and it is very hard to accept how it has shaped my life. Not making excuses, it's not that it's stopped me doing any one thing in particular, but the cumulative impact of never being well enough. Never having energy to put in long hours. Being told not to have a baby for years, as real chance we'd both die. And on it goes.

I can't be the only one in this situation. How do you reframe things and find meaning?

I have seizures so I can't drive unfortunately. DH would love to learn but it's out of our budget. I agree, a car (or access to one) would make a huge difference.

I'm in a similar situation. I'm chronically ill, due to relationship problems not on the housing ladder anymore and at mid fifties and unable to work not going to get on it anymore. I'm struggling month to month financially and can't do anything about it. I thought I'd found love recently, but that's all a mess now too and I'm trying to sort it out.

The only things I have that make me happy are my adult children and my cats.

I can't see a way of changing things. I'd been ok for a while until this recent relationship that has gone wrong. Now I'm left feeling unhappy with my life.

Hope you can find some small pleasures in life

Ah ok i understand. It must be very difficult if your seizures aren’t predictable.
Are you able to travel at all? So like a coach tour around Scotland for example or a train journey to a nice seaside town? Or just a day trip?
I completely get that with chronic illness any of that perhaps isn’t doable.

@MassiveCupOfCoffee, I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum. You’re still early in the grieving process and it does drain the colour from life pretty comprehensively. I was a full year before I could get my head around it.

Most people’s lives aren’t what they expected or intended. It’s OK. As you mourn your mum you will naturally be looking backwards rather than forwards, and that can lead to ruminations that aren’t terribly healthy.

As you process your grief and move forward, you’ll begin to start seeing the good things around you. The first daffodils in the garden, blue tits in a nest box, laughing really hard at a stupid joke, that sweet spot between burning your mouth on the cheese and the pizza being really crisp and gooey.

Outside of major events like chronic conditions and loss, people tend to be as happy as they’ve decided to be. Choosing to focus on positives, seeking out a more optimistic way of looking at things and accepting that while you may not have the life you planned, there’s still a lot to value it in… these help.

I’m in chronic pain with limited mobility. It’s pretty rubbish a lot of the time. I looked at a family member who focused on the negatives; everyone avoided spending much time with them, making them even more miserable. I decided to choose otherwise.

I have friends, a great partner, pets, books, am very active in my local community and I seek out fun things to learn or try. I am a good 15 years older than you, you’re not old.

Look after yourself.

I just try and focus my life around appreciating my body, my mind and what nature can offer. I’ll never be the person I thought I was going to be when I was younger and I accept that and live in the here and now as much as I can. It’s easier as you get older because you have to face your own mortality and decide what’s important to you.

Please stop giving shitty non-advice.

a car (or access to one) would make a huge difference

I think you might have hit upon a new way of living there. Cars are so so so so damned expensive and take up so much bloody room. When will we decide to share the expense of cars? It would be amazing to even just halve the cost with a neighbour, especially if you just have set days that you use it. Even between 3 people - 2 days per week each. Obvs there would have to be agreements about prangs and crashes and keeping it clean but it could work if it was totally thought through. Freedom for those who could not otherwise afford it.

I feel very similar and it has helped me to see this thread because it has made me feel less alone although I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone else. I’m sorry you’re struggling OP. I feel crippled with regrets and what-ifs at the moment. Sending an un-Mumsnetty hug, if you want it.

Remember that we’re also at the end of a cold winter on top of everything else.

I have hope that when Spring comes things will ease up for everybody. Getting up in the morning will feel so much better.

You sound depressed and anhedonic, as well as grieving, OP, aside entirely from your illness. I would focus on therapy and recovery from depression/dealing with bereavement. When you’re feeling better, then you’ll be in a stronger position to consider what changes you might make. Best wishes.

@Redrobinbobbin completely agree with this - my suggestion for this is come off social media or at least limit it. This feeds off negativity and much better to use energy on positive things - drawing, writing, interesting books etc advertising tends to be what’s missing not what you here is special

Chronic illness and trauma (the latter applies to me) can really impact lives and I think we are particularly likely to wonder what could have been. Nearing 50 now and when I read this, I realised that this is where I am.

It’s easier as you get older because you have to face your own mortality and decide what’s important to you.

There is grief around not having the children you would have liked. It can be a kind of grief make no mistake. Late thirties there is still a possibility to have a dc but I don't know if your health difficulties add to fertility issues/you have a partner/would go down the solo parenting route.

I think so many of us are scratching around as to how to make our lives meaningful/more meaningful. I had a job (for a while) which did give me a sense of purpose - or so I thought at the time. Looking back, it feels less meaninful than it did (ironically, I was made redundant from this so called purposeful job) and this made me realise that we are all replaceable in the workplace.

Yes. I am a waste of space.

@LanaDelRabies thats heartbreaking - I have been recovering from chronic illness and all that goes with it and it f’ing sucks. No one understand but us. I also find the medical profession v dismissive of chronic Illness. It is impossible not to carry that load BUT…something that helped me. Try and consciously think glass half full. At one point I couldn’t even pick up a phone or walk down the stairs. Every time I do something nice even small I say a little thank you. A good book. A funny show. A sunny day. The robins in the garden. That really heavy rain. A good score for your local team. Your DD laughing. Etc Try and find the joy in things and slowly build up good luck

You should visit those countries, I’m from Sweden and have lived in Norway. The Scandinavians love an English accent and will make you feel welcome.

How do you detangle the grief from the various losses (health, as well as actual death of loved ones) from depression?