How do you get over feeling your life hasn't worked out as you wished?

[MassiveCupOfCoffee]

I've achieved nothing. Too old now. Everything seems very surreal, looking back. I have been chronically ill since my teens and it is very hard to accept how it has shaped my life. Not making excuses, it's not that it's stopped me doing any one thing in particular, but the cumulative impact of never being well enough. Never having energy to put in long hours. Being told not to have a baby for years, as real chance we'd both die. And on it goes.

I can't be the only one in this situation. How do you reframe things and find meaning?

I am very early 60s with adult DC and a grandchild. I also feel like you OP. I do not feel fulfilled, and have definitely not reached my potential, and I won't now, so no point in even trying which is even more depressing!

I lost my Mum when I was early 50s, I was devastated, completely lost, my anchor was no longer there and I was just drifting. To be honest, I will never get over the loss, she was my rock, my stability, my core. Life does go on though, it has to.

I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years now, I am not happy but not unhappy if that makes sense. I have to make a decision this year as whether I will continue it.

You are not alone OP, but you are very young, you have plenty of time to find out what you really want (or not) to do with your life

Losing your mum will be massively affecting all your feelings about your life, what you've achieved, what the point of anything is etc. It's completely natural to feel numb and have lots of days where you can't find pleasure in anything. And of course it will bring up all your feelings about not having had a baby. Please go really easy on yourself and get some counselling if you can afford it. You are still young, you have time to have children if you want them or to start a career or move to a new place, whatever you want from your life. But don't expect to be able to really think about that stuff or feel excited about it when you are still in the fog of grief. Big hugs x

I sometimes feel like I live in one big advertisement. I try to focus on the little things like what my body can do, how my mind functions and nature. I feel as a species we are so far removed from our basic instincts in this modern world that we have lost the true meaning of what it truly means to just be alive.

OP I feel like this all the time! You are not alone.

Sometimes I feel like life has no meaning whatsoever. But then sometimes I experience a connection with a friend or see a family member happy, or learn something new and interesting and I feel a glimmer of happiness and see that in those moments there is meaning.

Go easy on yourself. You’ve just lost your mum. Why don’t you buy a beautiful journal and write down everything about your mum’s life, with as many pictures as you can? Stay with her a bit longer and find some happiness in knowing how much she loved you.

virtual hugs to you OP 💐

Me. I don't think you can reframe it - it is what it is. It's about what you wanted/expected and how that turned out. Sometimes they match, sometimes it's ok they didn't and sometimes it's very sad and difficult.
I have a big birthday this year and i dot want to celebrate as its a reminder I've achieved nothing I value by now. Other people might value or what what I have in part but that's meaningless.
I was late dx with ASD and that plus an early trauma has honestly wrecked my life chances.

Chronic illness is a different kind of mourning to simply letting life slip through your fingers because you were lazy. Go easy on yourself.

I struggle with this too OP. I always thought I would have a family but I've been single a very long time and it's now too late for me to have children. I feel quite empty and just a bit directionless. All my friends have children and partners and full lives and I do feel like I'm just existing.

Gemmi33 how old are you ? Could you maybe consider fostering or adopting ?

Could you explain a bit more about how you do this as I feel the same like we are living in one big advertisement

I'm not sure that many people would say their life turned out as they thought.

Mine didnt either. I'm a young widow in my 40's. Chronic illness. A wonderful son though and I do like my job but I h to deal with plenty of a-holes at

work. Posted too soon and haven't got time to finish again as off to work. Back later!

Totally understand OP.

I turned 50 recently. I haven't worked since the 90s - first I was a SAHM, then I was diagnosed with a chronic illness which over time has left me disabled and unable to work.

In my late teens I was a music journalist, then I did a bit of acting too. It looked as if my life was going to be everything I dreamed it would be. Then I got involved with an abusive man and stupidly married him just before I turned 19. Yes that was my choice, yes it was stupid. But my life was basically on hold for years. I lost my job, my confidence and my mental health. I wasted the best years of my life on him.

I've been very happily remarried for years but those lost years in my 20s, and the illness and daily pain/limitations I have now mean all the promise my life held when I was 18 is long gone. I've never learned to drive, never been on holiday, I have no friends and no family other than DD and DH. I know I'll never work again and I feel like such a burden. I haven't had a conversation with anyone other than DH or DD for literally years and years (2016 I think, when I got chatting to someone at a gig). I'm so lonely and I know that life has passed me by completely. And I know that I wasted all my potential and I hate myself for being so stupid.

I have a few friends on Facebook who I 'met' virtually through a FB group (none live anywhere near me so they don't translate into 'real life' friends sadly). I see the lives they live and I admit to envy. Not flashy stuff - just talking about their day at work, or a holiday photos, or pics of nights out with friends or Christmas with family etc. It's not a good look to be jealous of people I know, but I can't help it.

💐 for you OP and everyone on this thread who feels the same.

Redrobbinbobbin I will be 40 in a few months unfortunately. I think I would consider adoption if I was in a relationship but I really don't want to do it on my own and financially that would also be difficult.

I think the loss and /or ageing of parents can throw up issues. I'm now mid fifties, lost dad when I was 30 but now mum is suffering from dementia. I look at her and think, well that's 27 years from where I am now, and a year flashes by.
I have things I want to do but just get bogged down in the sheer grind.

I don't compare myself to anyone else. Ever. I know if wanted to change my life I could and so can you.

I can't change my life. I can't get a job and I can't make myself well.

Not everyone has the ability to change their lives unfortunately.

Really? So we can just click our fingers and magic chronic illness away? Wow! Best tell my neurologist he's not needed any more

Really? So we can just click our fingers and magic chronic illness away? Wow! Best tell my neurologist he's not needed any more

You can change different aspects yes. I also have a chronic illness. Doesn't mean you can't change your life I moved to a different country in my 50s. Guess it all depends on attitude and a positive one os needed

Wow.

So all you need is a 'positive attitude', eh? And that will magic away daily pain and medication with awful side effects and banish years of trauma?

Imagine having the money (and health) required to simply move to another country in your fifties, and also the arrogance to think that if you can do it so can anyone. As long as they have a positive attitude.

I’m really sorry to hear about your mum and for your health struggles.

But 38 is relatively young, certainly young enough to make a lot of changes (health and money permitting).

I think the key thing is to sort out some therapy, and also accept you are in the early stages of grief so feeing awful is normal.

I have struggled sometimes with the feeling that my life didn’t go as it should, or I could have done something different or better. Recently, I read a book called The Midnight Library by Matt Haig and it helped me put things into perspective. I have actually given it as a gift to several other people. I agree with PP that the cult of celebrity can make us feel that all our achievements are not enough.

Late thirties, you definitely aren’t too old! You’re only a third of the way through your working life. I’m early 40s and just starting a new career which I hope will last for at least 30 years.

In the kindest way, you have have existential angst about the death of your mum. You need support and hope for the future. Meet some new people and take up a hobby, think about what you want to do with the next 30-40 years.

Has it ever occurred to you that every chronic illness is different?

Hi @LanaDelRabies - health-wise are you able to learn to drive? If yes, that alone could really change your everyday. Getting out, little drives to places you have never been. 🤗