AIBU to expect 2 nights to equal 2 days of childcare? (separation)

[Bobsmyaunty]

SO close to agreeing the consent order with my STBXH ... but then I started talking about childcare cover the holidays he was aghast that two nights a week equalled two days and therefore he needed to find two days of childcare over the holidays.

Now he's thrown the whole thing out saying it needs to be revisited and it's impossible, and that he thought I would be organising all childcare 'otherwise what is he paying maintenance for.'

AIBU in expecting 2 nights to equal 2 days and therefore 2 days of childcare???

Background: We have a 65/35 childcare split, he is full time and pays CMS as per Gov calculator. I am part time (3 days a week, split over 4 so I can pick up children etc). I do need the days that he has the children so that I can do some long days at work, and pick up any of the extra work bits that I haven't got done (I'm a contractor so I need to be efficient and I don't get paid for holiday / sick days). He had previously agreed to pay some spousal maintenance (he's a very high earner and I am not) and decided he wanted to do this as a clean break. Bu then just about to sign when holiday childcare popped up. I said that's fine, you organise your days because you can afford the expensive clubs, and I'll organise mine as I'll probably need to find some cheaper work arounds. AND THEN HE BLEW UP.

Literally said that was impossible, not what he expected to do. I've said I'll help him find clubs, and find the ones their friends go to, but for him - for some reason that I can't fathom - it's a complete dealbreaker.

Living in a ground floor flat in London.
The person that then bought the upstairs flat was someone I had known years before.

you might also want to think about feeding and clothing as part of that discussion, OP... not only do men like him not think about the admin "wife work" of life, he'll not think about other stuff/play similar games.

i have a family member whose ex uses it as a form of control and i was surprised, but appparently games are not that uncommon.

thankfully, my family member agreed days and times as part of the custody arrangements... so the ex mucks around withthe kids clothing and food as part of his power playing.

i.e. some days at the agreed drop off (at say 5pm) they'll have been fed a huge roast dinner at 3pm (so, not quite lunch, but not quite dinner) leading to them being hungry just before bed. other times, other weeks, they're dropped off having NOT EATEN in 8 hours since a bowl of sugary cereal at 8am! then some weeks he brings back all the kids clothes all dirty, having done no laundry. expecting the ex wife to do it when they're at hers.. but also when they're at his... other weeks they come back with empty bags and no clothes, so all the clothes she buys keep disappearing.

what i'm trying to tell you here is:

get agreed dates/times for custody written in stone in legal terms.

but don't be surprised if someone as entitled as him, who thinks basic childcare is beneath him and his stressful job.. starts playing other games.

if you give into him and agree arranging childcare on HIS days is your job... you're going to end up with a fuck tonne of extra wife work because his entitlement will be reinforced. for YEARS ahead.

Yes BreadwinnieBaker, exactly this. Thank you.

That really annoyed me so I can imagine how much it infuriates you OP. The fact he says it's impossible!

He is absolutely pushing back on that mental load. Doesn't want it, won't do it. No wonder there's a fucking pay gap.

I really don't think you should capitulate on this, and I think you absolutely have the measure of him. He is throwing his weight around. It is very common particularly when you've had the gall to disengage from a man with entrenched ideas about gender roles and responsibilities.

There is absolutely no way on earth I would agree to private secondary school. No way. He will be forever scrutinising your outgoings and I have a feeling this will be lauded over you by him. You can explain why if you want in simple factual non emotional terms, or you could just say "no".

I'd be telling him firmly that you do not agree to private secondary schooling because you cannot afford it and he will not commit to paying for it entirely by himself until they leave school. What happens if he loses or gives up his job? Then the guilt will pile on you to cough up the fees.

If he creates, you will need a specific issue order from the court and I'd imagine they are extremely unlikely to agree with the mad suggestion that he (or whoever) periodically scrutinises your finances to see if you should start contributing. Why would a court make you effectively sign a blank cheque? I am not a lawyer though.

clearly I am not a lawyer! Listen to actual lawyers : www.hcsolicitors.co.uk/news/who-pays-private-school-fees-after-divorce-or-separation

But from an educational point of view, you as a parent have equal rights, with him, to choose where your children attend school.

YANBU to believe 2 nights it's actually 2 full days....like when you go on holiday for 14 nights, you're there in the day too.
I don't think he's unreasonable to be 'shocked' if it's something he's never taken responsibility for. What was your previous arrangement when you were together? He's been sideblinded. He doesn't sound like a deadbeat dad etc. Tbh if he's paying you spousal support I don't think it's unreasonable for you to go someway towards organising things. As others have said it might be simpler if you have a week each end of term.
I bet he'll be happy to 'pay' for convenience so suggest a week-long club for him with price, Who knows, he might be willing to pay for another week if he knows the kids will benefit.

Can you use this as an opportunity to arrange holiday clubs that you would like them to go to but can’t afford, yes it’s a annoying you have extra work to do but can be used to your advantage.

If he wants private school, he can pay for it that is if he can afford it.

Sometimes it takes a smack to their ego.

He probably has a certain image he likes to portray.
Take advantage of that.

He won't want to be seen as too broke and cheap to pay as it makes him look bad, not for any other reason.

Likewise, he won't tell you he doesn't want the extra days even though he really doesn't want them, as it makes him look bad.