AIBU to expect 2 nights to equal 2 days of childcare? (separation)

[Bobsmyaunty]

SO close to agreeing the consent order with my STBXH ... but then I started talking about childcare cover the holidays he was aghast that two nights a week equalled two days and therefore he needed to find two days of childcare over the holidays.

Now he's thrown the whole thing out saying it needs to be revisited and it's impossible, and that he thought I would be organising all childcare 'otherwise what is he paying maintenance for.'

AIBU in expecting 2 nights to equal 2 days and therefore 2 days of childcare???

Background: We have a 65/35 childcare split, he is full time and pays CMS as per Gov calculator. I am part time (3 days a week, split over 4 so I can pick up children etc). I do need the days that he has the children so that I can do some long days at work, and pick up any of the extra work bits that I haven't got done (I'm a contractor so I need to be efficient and I don't get paid for holiday / sick days). He had previously agreed to pay some spousal maintenance (he's a very high earner and I am not) and decided he wanted to do this as a clean break. Bu then just about to sign when holiday childcare popped up. I said that's fine, you organise your days because you can afford the expensive clubs, and I'll organise mine as I'll probably need to find some cheaper work arounds. AND THEN HE BLEW UP.

Literally said that was impossible, not what he expected to do. I've said I'll help him find clubs, and find the ones their friends go to, but for him - for some reason that I can't fathom - it's a complete dealbreaker.

Of course he should organise childcare on his days.

I think it depends how much he's giving you:

Maintenance payments are intended to be used in the best interest of the child and to cover the child's expenses. This may include shelter, food, clothing, childcare costs and any educational needs.

Is there any kind of legal definition or is this one of those grey areas where my solicitor might say one thing & he might say another?

I don't think he's even upset about the cost etc it's the organising of it. But I just want him to sort his stuff and me mine. We have different budgets.

I think we are receiving very different advice.

I do agree that his 2 nights equals 2 days but a lot of holiday clubs run for a full week so it may be more practical to try and organize it jointly some holidays

Surely he's paying maintenance for the 5 other days ?

Maintenance is only paid for the time they’re with the other parent. He’ll get a reduction due to having the children and thus the costs for 35% of the time. So why would OP be expected to cover those costs?. You could always look at covering holidays in the same ratio but whole weeks of that would suit him better?

I am definitely up for helping him organise it. The reason it might look different for each of us is that our budgets are different, so I'll need the cheaper clubs and will probably have to rope in my poor mum!

I get the principal of the matter but suppose it depends if its worth fighting over depending on child maintenence and spousal maintenance he is paying

He’s not really paying maintenance for the other five days he’s paying for a day and a half. If it was fifty/fifty he wouldn’t pay any. I think he should pay for childcare on his days. It does sound like you are low wage and might get some funded childcare via universal credit though which might help you meet in the middle.

Of course he does. Make sure you get everything you can possibly think of in writing.
I would also just get spousal maintenance too.

Could you organise and pay the childcare if he ups his maintenance to reflect this?

This is really helpful, thank you. I thought I was going mad!

Yeah, for the days the kids are with the resident parent!

What does he do for his 2 night a week when kids are at school? Does he take them to school and pick them up

If I really challenge myself on it, I think I'm also looking for a separation of responsibilities. His first idea was to take the holidays, deduct our leave from it, and then share out the days and I organise childcare.

But I don't get paid for leave so I need to have control over when I take (i.e. save up a surplus). I also don't want him telling me what to do!

Yes he does. It's two days one week and three days the next, but of those only two days are weekdays.

Nights alone are cheap. Of course he has to cover a full 24 hour period complete with child care.

finding care by the day is hard. Especially holiday coverage tends to be for the week. Ideally you should work together and each pay a portion to the same provider, but if you can’t trust him to pay his share, then by the day it will have to be.

Did you not see the part where he offered to pay spousal maintenance, which is totally separate to child maintenance! This is why I said it depends what he was going to be paying. If he's already factored that in to the payment he would be making (spousal maintenance), then why would he pay again? We can't really know for sure what's right or wrong when we don't know how much he offered vs how much OPs costs are for the kids.

In other news, he also has to buy the children clothing, including uniform, on his days. Have you been separated long enough for him to figure that one out yet?

Pick a time of day for handover, whether it’s actual handover of the child or handover of responsibility.

This will include childcare in those hours, collection of sick children in those hours, activities, feeding, washing clothes etc. School hours, either morning or afternoon are often easiest to arrange but the same arrangements carry over into the holidays.

This is not the same as him collecting the children from you at 6pm and dropping them back at 7am the next day and saying he has done his bit.

Agree with this. Duplicate payments potentially, depending on what's already factored in and how much etc.

It seems simple, if it's his day and it's school holidays he either takes the day off (like you would) or he finds childcare (like you would). Ignore the CM, it's a red herring.
You are right about it's about him taking the responsibility, otherwise you're still a housekeeper for him.
Let him parent.

Also, have it in writing about insets and illness. I insisted on the detail - if it was a day they woke up in his house and it was INSET or they were ILL - he had to manage this and not just drop them at mine as I was leaving for work. Insets are known well ahead.

It's really hard and really shit and doesn't always work but stay strong - don't be divorced TO him, it's better your DC know there are rules and agreements and both adults follow them.

Good luck.

And I agree with @TheSandgroper about having a time of day for most handovers. I tried to work around school (less combative and the DC used the school day as the normal 'airlock' between both homes) but for everything else it's a 5pm handover on a school day or returning from holiday, or a 9am departure in the holidays.
Waiting around all day for them to go at 5pm was a nightmare for them and us, so now it's 9am, even if it means the following morning.

Would you have been better off with the spousal payment on top of the CMS and you sorting the childcare, or would you be better off with only CMS and him paying for childcare?

That's a good idea about a pick up time.

My two find clubs quite angst inducing (which is a big part of the reason why I'm part time) so the drop off is quite tricky.

He's agreed to pay for childcare on his days, the crux is that I think he wants me to organise it (or do it??) - so much so, that he's thrown out the whole consent order. We're meeting on Thursday to discuss. We've been separated a WHOLE YEAR and doing 60/40 the whole time (although when I think about the summer - during which I was moving house - I did seem to do 80% of the childcare by the way the arrangements fell).

So Spousal Maintenance I think does blur things. This is part of the reason why he's saying, 'why should I be paying so much and having to sort holiday childcare, isn't that why you're part time ?'(is what I THINK his opinion is).

My understanding was that spousal maintenance was a top up to bridge the gap between his earnings and mine while I get on back into working properly or until I can start to work full time, so that the kids did unnecessarily go without / there isn't too much disparity. I'm hesitant to post our earnings in case the chat becomes about that, but essentially mine is around £25k and his is around £180k.

I didn't think spousal maintenance was to enable me to MORE for him on his days. I'd rather turn it down if that's the case. It feels like control, to be honest, and that he doesn't want to have to organise childcare on top of having a stressful job.

For context, I've sent two options to him for the two days he is covering in Easter, and said that their friends will be there.

I can choose the same options as it's a tennis and art club so the cost is too high for me. Which is why I think we need autonomy to select the childcare on our own days which suits us.