AIBU to expect 2 nights to equal 2 days of childcare? (separation)

[Bobsmyaunty]

SO close to agreeing the consent order with my STBXH ... but then I started talking about childcare cover the holidays he was aghast that two nights a week equalled two days and therefore he needed to find two days of childcare over the holidays.

Now he's thrown the whole thing out saying it needs to be revisited and it's impossible, and that he thought I would be organising all childcare 'otherwise what is he paying maintenance for.'

AIBU in expecting 2 nights to equal 2 days and therefore 2 days of childcare???

Background: We have a 65/35 childcare split, he is full time and pays CMS as per Gov calculator. I am part time (3 days a week, split over 4 so I can pick up children etc). I do need the days that he has the children so that I can do some long days at work, and pick up any of the extra work bits that I haven't got done (I'm a contractor so I need to be efficient and I don't get paid for holiday / sick days). He had previously agreed to pay some spousal maintenance (he's a very high earner and I am not) and decided he wanted to do this as a clean break. Bu then just about to sign when holiday childcare popped up. I said that's fine, you organise your days because you can afford the expensive clubs, and I'll organise mine as I'll probably need to find some cheaper work arounds. AND THEN HE BLEW UP.

Literally said that was impossible, not what he expected to do. I've said I'll help him find clubs, and find the ones their friends go to, but for him - for some reason that I can't fathom - it's a complete dealbreaker.

I would be wary of saying you'll organise it for him - it feels like that is a slippery slope to then being asked to drop off or to look after them if they are ill that day. Also presumably some days he will book off as annual leave?

They are his days, he needs to be responsible.

I'm surprised he's agreed to spousal maintenance if he wants a clean break.

I'd say the fair thing is for him to pay child maintenance for the higher proportion of days you have the children, and he pays for all costs when they are with him

I think he thought he was offering to pay for wife work with the spousal maintenance but don't get sucked into being his PA. He can find out where their friends are going.

I agree he should deal with and arrange childcare on ‘his’ days. What if they are ill on his watch, is he expecting you to deal with that too? You’re separated, he needs to take on his own life admin now!

yanbu He should pay childcare for his days. Does he know that if the kids are ill on his days or there's an INSET day or snow day on his day then he needs to take the day off from work ?

Spousal is temporary and about your earning differences because of the marriage. It's not for childcare and might be used for training or adding to a pension.

Different areas may vary but there's no issue round here booking holiday childcare for individual days. Yes you get a small discount if you do a week, but otherwise they all have online booking and you pick the days you want -- as long as you're organised and it's not the last minute.

But that is not really the issue.

I think that those who haven't done it have NO IDEA the admin that goes into sorting school holidays.

It's just beneath his notice, isn't it?

Why don't you get paid for leave? Are you not in the UK?

Spousal is recompense for one partner having tanked their career and income to look after kids, is it not? So he should sort childcare on his days and pay spousal. Plus maintenance.

She's a freelancer.

Does the spousal pay enough to make it worthwhile for you?
I think he sees it as buying a housekeeper.
Can you go for a greater overall share in the split instead?

Sooo he thinks spousal maintenance is to keep you as his housekeeper and do the family organisation? He's having a laugh. You've seen right through his entitled arse.

One of the best upsides of your splitting up (for you op) is you're no longer responsible for facilitating his life. It's not your job or role at all.

Beyond the children and the legal agreement around custody, it's his problem to sort his life. Perhaps arranging childcare for himself for once rather than taking you for a mug might make him appreciate how you facilitated his life in earlier times.

Btw I would step clear from organising it or doing the mental load here... Just say no. It's not normal or healthy for the dynamic for kids to see one parent still enmeshed in that dynamic.

I agree btw with a previous poster, it sounds like he's a high earner and feels organising childcare is beyond him. That's what he bought his ex wife to do! Arse.

Why are you not paid for annual leave?

It's not even that hard to sort - get dates, pick club, do online booking - I sort our summer holiday childcare in under an hour. It's a point of principle for him that he's too important to do it.

She's a contractor - not an employee.

If you're self-employed, a contractor or a freelancer, you don't get paid if you don't work.

Yes this is exactly what I thought ... it's some kind of male privilege at play.

And generally he's a decent person and he looks after the kids well. To me, this feels like bullying: 'do what I want or I will throw out the consent order and leave you worse off.'

But he REALLY doesn't see that. I don't want to argue with him. I just need him to agree the consent order and sort his days.

We've been separated a year, and we've sold the family home and split the asset pot (60/40 - he has a higher paid job and also an inheritance). All that has settled.

The only other item on the agenda (which I haven't mentioned because I felt it was a distraction) was private school. They are both in private junior school and if they continue into secondary really he will have to pay. I am perfectly happy for them to attend the local secondary (it's really nice, lots of their friends go there), so it would be more his driver if they went to private and also he would pay ... although he has asked for a financial review every year to see if I am in a position to contribute. This also felt like control so I said, no, lets do it at trigger points i.e. new job or marriage etc. However, I am reluctant to go down the private route at all because I feel like if I make myself better off by say £5k, he'll scoop that up for private school. I also like our state secondary.

But if you don't argue with him and just agree to it, this sets the tone for the next ten years you're co-parenting together. You'll basically have set and agreed a price to continue being his wife for life admin purposes.

Exactly.

I feel very strongly that he can rage against this if he wishes, but legally (surely?) two nights equals two days and all the care that comes with that.

Also: he's not even mustering the balls to just say to me, 'can I drop the number of days I have the kids.'

Sorry I meant by 'not argue' that I don't need him to understand my point of view and all the arguing that would ensue if I attempted that, but I just need him to agree to sort childcare stuff for his days and sign the order and then we can MOVE ON.

Honestly, our divorce is taking AGES. It's been two entire years since we agreed to separate.

I agree - he either needs to accept everything that goes along with having them in the holidays or say he doesn't want them that many days and pay up for you to have them instead

Make it clear now that you are not going to take on all the mental load/admin of parenting.
I have an ex like yours that seems to think that because he pays maintenance that he can opt out of doing anything but having them on his set days. I’ve really had to push back to get him to do parents eve, organise outfits for dress up days on his days etc.

If you arrange childcare for him you are effectively still doing all his wife work. And you will resent it in the years to come when he’s able to swan off on holidays etc and you can only have a long weekend away. 5 years on, I’m still trying to make our parenting more equal…

Friend of mine has it written into their order that she organises and pays for all childcare, but he gets no overnight reductions on his maintenance. He effectively swapped the discount for leaving her the responsibility.

Just be careful with it - for a while my friend refused to organised his childcare for him (and rightly so) but then he just started not turning up to collect the children which had an even bigger impact on her work.

Finding the right hill to die on can sometimes be tricky.

CM and spousal maintenance are seperate things.

Spousal is for you, not the children. Anyone suggesting you forgo this in lieu of paying childcare on his days is unreasonable.

Agree you need to clarify handover times, removes the grey areas of sick days or inset days.

He is responsible for covering childcare on his days, whichever they are, and I completely understand what you mean when you said you will arrange it. It's talking to the friends parents to coordinate them attending things together rather than them going to a club alone.

He has reduced CM because he is expected to cover all associated costs of raising the children on the days they are with him.

If his job is stressful, that's on him, the upside of that stressful job is he can throw money at the problem and hire a nanny, or childminder for school runs and put them in good clubs in the holidays.

This is not for you to fix for him.

He's the typical male who thinks you're still default skivvy and he's too lazy and important to do it himself.

He doesn't get his way he has a tanty and threatens to withhold something. He thinks hes buying your labor with his money. Not a nice man or father.