Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Stag do - girls on it including ex

72 replies

yosmartie · 07/03/2023 13:27

I found out after my partner went on a stag do, that 2 girls were on it… girls he knows well, in fact one who he was with for a while when he was a lot younger, an ex.

They're all mates from sixth from college 20 years ago. Somehow they still are all pretty “close”…in that they like to get together and “party” quite a lot (he doesn’t but his mates do). Despite living in the same city I’ve never got to know the girls. Probably partly me not really being interested I must admit.

I feel really angry about it… my partner wasn’t going to tell me they were on it, he knew before but didn’t tell me.

Also I never get to spend a whole Saturday from early morning AND night with him, without the kids… and yet behind my back this was exactly what he was doing with his ex. Fun activity to fun activity whilst merrily all getting trashed together (they get completely wasted).

Ok so he didn’t plan it - but his bestmate did. Thanks dude!
My partner knew from at least Thursday that these girls were going to be there.

If girls are invited, why wasn’t I invited, I’ve been “around” for nearly 20 years! Nope, they’re the ones that got the special girl pass.

I feel annoyed & frustrated at the pervading clique of this group. And for all the other reasons, I feel really disrespected.

My partner and I have young kids, no family support and have always had a volatile relationship and from time to time really struggle and get right to the brink of splitting up (like now because of this latest issue). He pays me very little attention, always moaning and critical, and we have barely any affection. I do trust him as much as you can trust any partner, but I also know boundaries were probably pushed.

When he decided to tell me on Monday about it, he was giving me massive emotional hugs which got too weird, as we never do that now. He left the stag do WhatsApp group on Sunday morning, and was quiet all day (he stayed over at stag do in apparently separate guest house). He said he was trying to do all the right things, I half believe him.

I just can’t get it out of my head. I wish his ex would just go away.

I’m not going to the wedding in May, as I’m looking after our kids (who aren’t invited). And no good family to help, now I’m really glad I’m not going. These are so far from being my friends.

I need my hand held.
AIBU?

OP posts:

Pootles34 · 07/03/2023 13:38

I don't think the 'clique' thing is really relevant here, as you said you haven't really gotten to know them, as you're not interested, fair enough. It's this guy's stag, he's allowed to invite who he wants.

I think the issue is your partner pays you very little attention and you have no affection. Do you think this is fixable, maybe just the stress of having young kids and no childcare? Or something more?

WetBandits · 07/03/2023 13:39

Why would you be invited if they’re not your friends? These women have been invited because they are friends with the groom.

Mialouu · 07/03/2023 13:39

You weren't invited because you're not in that friendship group. This was hard to read, you either trust him or you don't. Sorry but you sound really needy and like you have no trust in your partner. Breaking up over things like this issue? This is an issue with you, not your partner.

Brefugee · 07/03/2023 13:40

why would they invite you if a) they don't know you and b) you don't seem to like them?
(also "girls"? really?)

If it's about time away from the drudgery of children, then have at it. Tell him you're having X weekend off and go and do something.

Fizzadora · 07/03/2023 13:41

Oh you are going to get loads of posters telling you that you are being totally unreasonable and controlling etc. etc. But I don't think you are.
I have been married for a lot longer than you and many others on here and have been through pretty much everything that comes up on here at one point or another (no physical violence though, that's a line crossed) but there has always been affection. No matter how tired, overworked, stroppy, thoughtless or downright mean we have been to each other, the underlying affection is still there, even if it's buried sometimes and gets us through. I wouldn't have stayed if it wasn't.
It's time for a sit down and a proper conversation with him, because unless he changes, there is just no point in staying together.

Mialouu · 07/03/2023 13:43

@Fizzadora no point staying with him, because he went on a stag do with friends with no control over who was invited? Jeez.

19lottie82 · 07/03/2023 13:43

So it was an ex from over twenty years ago, and he didn’t invite her?
you’re over reacting, sorry.

Lavender14 · 07/03/2023 13:44

I find this odd if I'm honest. From how you describe it it was a brief relationship from years ago when they were much younger. I'm not sure why that bothers you if you trust your partner as much as you say you do.

I trust my dh he was at his exes hen do because they're mates, we're also friendly with another ex who lives round the corner from us. Causes us no issues whatsoever because I trust him and know he won't push any boundaries. My question is if you think boundaries were pushed then why say you trust him, you clearly don't?

You've been around years but are you directly close friends with the groom since you're not going to his wedding? If not then why would you be invited to the stag, a plus one is normal for a wedding not a stag or hen. I think your issue is that your relationship is not as healthy as it could be, you don't really trust your oh and you are craving time alone with him. So book a baby sitter every month or so and have some. But don't make out that he's away on a romantic weekend for two with an ex when they both happen to have been invited to the same stag do. It's not the same at all. If you can't trust him then why not leave and find someone you do trust.

19lottie82 · 07/03/2023 13:45

he knew before but didn’t tell me

no wonder.

maddening · 07/03/2023 13:46

The only thing that would set my hares is the being quiet, leaving the whatsapp group and the over compensation.

Merryoldgoat · 07/03/2023 13:47

have always had a volatile relationship and from time to time really struggle and get right to the brink of splitting up (like now because of this latest issue). He pays me very little attention, always moaning and critical, and we have barely any affection

This is your problem. All the rest is a smokescreen.

Justcallmebebes · 07/03/2023 13:47

I think you're over reacting, at least about the stag do. Sorry

Cantrushart · 07/03/2023 13:48

An ex at a stag do is no big deal, but his reaction - coming off the WhatsApp group, huggy and emotional - is very suspicious. Is there more recent history with her?

philautia · 07/03/2023 13:48

I can see both sides really. I get you are upset, those are your feelings.

However, I am good friends with my college boyfriend from 20 years ago. We are both in long term happy relationships with children.

We haven't been out for a big group night out in years but if we did, it would not be as exes, it'd be as part of a group of old college friends.

Having said that, I'd let my partner know before I went that he would be there. Otherwise I'd feel like it was lying by omission.

19lottie82 · 07/03/2023 13:49

but his reaction - coming off the
WhatsApp group, huggy and
emotional - is very suspicious

I’d consider the possibility that he was scared that the OP would kick off, rather than he was cheating.

Dudum · 07/03/2023 13:49

You weren't invited because you're not the stags friend.

LaraXX · 07/03/2023 13:50

Ive come off hen groups after we've got back, my phone is always full I don't have space to stay on things. But considering all the accusations probably flying round at this fella no wonder he's come off it and he's been quiet. I wouldn't tolerate being in a relationship with accusations because I've done something innocent like attend a hen do.

drpet49 · 07/03/2023 13:50

WetBandits · 07/03/2023 13:39

Why would you be invited if they’re not your friends? These women have been invited because they are friends with the groom.

This. Get real OP.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 07/03/2023 13:52

Is girls going on a stag do a thing? Do men go on Hen do's ?

Too many red flags in this for me OP
Staying in another hotel from the rest of the group ? Don't believe it
They all like to party but he does not.. so why go with them?
Weird behaviour afterwards.. leaving the group chat (why - in case something is said that he does not want you to read perhaps?)
It stinks

Wellillsayitifnoonelsewill · 07/03/2023 13:53

maddening · 07/03/2023 13:46

The only thing that would set my hares is the being quiet, leaving the whatsapp group and the over compensation.

This with bells on … it jumped out at me too….. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

yosmartie · 07/03/2023 13:53

Thanks for all your perspectives, it’s really interesting to get and helpful…. And amazingly fast!

Particularly philautia…
And the perspective that our relationship is a struggle and needs improving, and stuff like this highlights it.

I’m a burnt out Mum and I need to book some fun time with just my friends.

OP posts:

Starflecked · 07/03/2023 13:55

Being completely honest I wouldn't like it either, but wouldn't say anything as there's nothing wrong with it in reality. Sounds like the actual issue is that you get no time away from the children to have fun together and I suppose essentially date rather than just be mum and dad. I'd try and sort that rather than focus on an ex from 20 years ago.

minipie · 07/03/2023 13:56

I think this is more about the state of your relationship than this trip or the clique or the ex.

If things were going well with your partner I really think you wouldn’t have this reaction. It’s the fact you don’t have affection or time together and (sounds like) you have regular major fights.

Can you sit down together and come up with some ideas for how you might fix these things?

minipie · 07/03/2023 13:57

Ah cross posted OP!

Brefugee · 07/03/2023 13:58

Is girls going on a stag do a thing? Do men go on Hen do's ?

I'm in Germany so these are a new thing - but yes, they do. My DD has been on 2 "stag dos" and at one she was the only woman. Neither of the "stags" is an ex though. I had 2 guys on my "hen" do (actually i had several for various reasons, but this was the "official" one) we all worked together and my DH-to-be only knew one of them.

It's only an issue if you make it an issue or if there are problems in a relationship.

So, OP, ball is in your court. Do you want more time with your DH? How do you want that to look? date night? netflix and a bottle of wine? Takeout, cook together? or do you want to go on a weekend/overnight away from it all alone, or with friends?

Your DH isn't a mind reader. Have you discussed this? it is the next logical step.

Flip

1 2 3