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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stag do - girls on it including ex

72 replies

yosmartie · 07/03/2023 13:27

I found out after my partner went on a stag do, that 2 girls were on it… girls he knows well, in fact one who he was with for a while when he was a lot younger, an ex.

They're all mates from sixth from college 20 years ago. Somehow they still are all pretty “close”…in that they like to get together and “party” quite a lot (he doesn’t but his mates do). Despite living in the same city I’ve never got to know the girls. Probably partly me not really being interested I must admit.

I feel really angry about it… my partner wasn’t going to tell me they were on it, he knew before but didn’t tell me.

Also I never get to spend a whole Saturday from early morning AND night with him, without the kids… and yet behind my back this was exactly what he was doing with his ex. Fun activity to fun activity whilst merrily all getting trashed together (they get completely wasted).

Ok so he didn’t plan it - but his bestmate did. Thanks dude!
My partner knew from at least Thursday that these girls were going to be there.

If girls are invited, why wasn’t I invited, I’ve been “around” for nearly 20 years! Nope, they’re the ones that got the special girl pass.

I feel annoyed & frustrated at the pervading clique of this group. And for all the other reasons, I feel really disrespected.

When he decided to tell me on Monday about it, he was giving me massive emotional hugs which got too weird, as we never do that now. He left the stag do WhatsApp group on Sunday morning, and was quiet all day (he stayed over at stag do in apparently separate guest house). He said he was trying to do all the right things, I half believe him.

I just can’t get it out of my head. I wish his ex would just go away.

I need my hand held.
AIBU?

OP posts:

Lilyandroses · 07/03/2023 16:01

Also just realised you have kids together. It’s a bit odd he hid this from you until after the stag do in my opinion

Sassyfox · 07/03/2023 16:08

YABVU and controlling.

I hope when you go out with your friends he doesn’t kick off about who you can and can’t be around.

BadNomad · 07/03/2023 16:09

My guess is he left the WhatsApp group because the stag was over and hanging around in a chat with his ex would have upset the OP. To be honest, I don't think he could win either way with any of it. But lying my admission was definitely not the best move.

OhCobblers · 07/03/2023 16:12

Merryoldgoat · 07/03/2023 13:47

have always had a volatile relationship and from time to time really struggle and get right to the brink of splitting up (like now because of this latest issue). He pays me very little attention, always moaning and critical, and we have barely any affection

This is your problem. All the rest is a smokescreen.

Exactly what I was coming onto to say. Why be in a relationship like this? Sounds completely shut to be honest.
The stag do is a red herring but also indicative of how he sees/treats you generally?

TommytheSquirrell · 07/03/2023 16:14

Sounds like they are a friendship group celebrating a friends marriage and you are unreasonable. Also sounds like he knew you'd kick off because his female friends were there (there is nothing wrong with being friends with the opposite sex, especially long term friends). The other perspective you may need to consider is that it's rubbish for him that he felt he couldn't tell you because he knew you'd react badly.
There are issues, you don't trust him, he can't speak to you, it's likely you'll kick off if you don't like something and your in a volatile relationship. You need to address these issues, life is too short to be in a volatile relationship (especially one where children are involved!).

dworky · 07/03/2023 16:17

19lottie82 · 07/03/2023 13:45

he knew before but didn’t tell me

no wonder.

Sounds as if you're justifying men keeping secrets from the mother of their children!

5128gap · 07/03/2023 16:21

There must be a part of you that knows its not reasonable to be expected to get an invite to some random guys stag who youve never bothered to get to know, just because your partner is his mate? And that the women who were invited were not there as partners but as mates of the stag? And that it wasn't your partners stag so he doesn't get to do the inviting? And that to ask to bring you would be really odd?
I think you do know this, but there are multiple issues in your relationship and you've honed in on this as a last straw.
Talk to your partner about the big issues. If you go on about the stag he will (rightly) think you're irrational and close down to the reasonable things you have to say.

pinksheetss · 07/03/2023 16:22

You've said you have a volatile relationship with your partner so I imagine that is to play in it
Also if you have no support for children I again imagine that's part of it to - you couldn't both go?

I do think your partner should have told you as soon as he knew they were there though.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/03/2023 16:24

Apart from you insisting on labelling a group of 30/40-ish women "girls" ...

If girls are invited, why wasn’t I invited, I’ve been “around” for nearly 20 years! Nope, they’re the ones that got the special girl pass.
Despite living in the same city I’ve never got to know the girls. Probably partly me not really being interested I must admit.
So your partner has known these women for 20 years, socialises with them frequently, you could never be arsed to get to know them, but are now pissed off because ... you're not part of theit group?
I feel annoyed & frustrated at the pervading clique of this group. And for all the other reasons, I feel really disrespected.

My partner and I have young kids, no family support and have always had a volatile relationship and from time to time really struggle and get right to the brink of splitting up (like now because of this latest issue). He pays me very little attention, always moaning and critical, and we have barely any affection. I do trust him as much as you can trust any partner, but I also know boundaries were probably pushed.
You seem completely focused on the inclusion of some women your partner's known for decades, to the point that you are glossing over how shit your relationship has become.
Why are you worrying about these women, when you should be worrying about how you partner is always moaning & critical?

I’m not going to the wedding in May, as I’m looking after our kids (who aren’t invited). And no good family to help, now I’m really glad I’m not going. These are so far from being my friends.
Again - you said it yourself - you never bothered to make them your friends.
Why are you so bothered about a bunch of people you've never really chosen to spend time with?
Is the real issue your partner's lack of respect, your own lack of equal social & leisure time, & the fact that he treats you with disrespect?

emptythelitterbox · 07/03/2023 16:33

Sounds like the stag do is just another symptom of being a shit partner.

What are you getting out of this other than being a skivvy doing all the drudge work while he's off playing around like a single man at stag dos?

Notbeinfunnehbut · 07/03/2023 16:51

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 07/03/2023 13:52

Is girls going on a stag do a thing? Do men go on Hen do's ?

Too many red flags in this for me OP
Staying in another hotel from the rest of the group ? Don't believe it
They all like to party but he does not.. so why go with them?
Weird behaviour afterwards.. leaving the group chat (why - in case something is said that he does not want you to read perhaps?)
It stinks

This…..

he could have mentioned it to you

this is why women on stag dos isn’t often a great idea, the friends a bit of a shit aswell inviting an ex for him to get hammered with

has He given you an explanation for coming off the group and staying separately ?

MoreSleepPleasee · 07/03/2023 17:29

You sound really hard work, sorry op. Yabu.

Abraxan · 07/03/2023 17:36

Do men go on Hen do's ?

They did at one of my friend's party.
She has one male friend she has known since being small and she is also very close to his partner, who she has known for years. They are her best friends. They both came to the 'hen do.'

I don't think it's entirely out of the norm now, though not overly common. I think people tend to have mixed friendship groups a lot more compared to years ago, maybe as many get married later contributing too.

I also know of a couple of joint hen/stag dos too, due to so many friends in common between the couples involved.

Nagado · 07/03/2023 18:11

I don’t think it is at all odd that you weren’t invited. They’re friends of the groom, not partners of the groom’s friends.

However, the out of character hugging would make me very suspicious. I think you’re concentrating on the wrong thing here.

ErinAndTonic · 07/03/2023 19:30

Also think you're being unreasonable here and controlling, it's not his fault. You weren't invited because you're not the stags friend and haven't ever made any effort with any of them. Why are you so surprised?

LemonLymanDotCom · 07/03/2023 19:30

I, a woman, organised my friends stag… and obvs attended along with 3 other women. Like your DH me & the groom and many of the group have known each other 20 years+. If I’d have got wind that any female partners of attendees were having issues, I’d be rolling my eyes. Equally if my BF had said anything I’d be doing the same to him (he wasn’t invited).

No doubt many Mumsnetters would disparage us as ‘cool’ girls because there seems to be a big section of mumsnetters that despise women (esp single ones!) enjoying platonic relationships with their male friends.

To be honest, this is the bit it sounds like you need to focus on, not stag parties:
”He pays me very little attention, always moaning and critical, and we have barely any affection.”
Deal with that first and once that’s sorted, worry about stag parties.
Also, you aren’t interested in his friends and not going to the wedding, why would you be invited to the stag???

Frankola · 07/03/2023 19:58

I think it's more unreasonable of you to not know his friends after 20 years to be honest

Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 07/03/2023 20:02

I couldn’t get worked up about this, the groom has the right to invite who he wishes to his stag and this is his friendship group. I’d certainly not think as his good female friends were there you should be invited to his stag as you’re a woman, I find that a very odd thought process.

i get you’re jealous and insecure and the fact your relationship is bad and you dislike your partner is the major issue/

LesserBohemians · 07/03/2023 20:05

TedMullins · 07/03/2023 15:40

You’re being ridiculous about the stag do. Why is it you’ve never got to know his friends in 20 years? Have they shut you out of the group or is it you who’s excluded yourself?

The lack of affection though is another issue, as is the volatility of the relationship, neither of those are healthy. It doesn’t sound like a particularly great relationship even without you kicking off about him having the audacity to have female friends.

Exactly. OP, why on earth are you in a relationship with someone who is neglectful and critical? Your anger is directed at the wrong issue.

Gagaandgag · 07/03/2023 20:22

Merryoldgoat · 07/03/2023 13:47

This is your problem. All the rest is a smokescreen.

I agree this is your real issue. You need to work on your relationship - love and trust

Original poster

yosmartie · 10/03/2023 09:01

Just got up to date with your responses, again really interesting to read the range and lots of food for thought… and wisdom. Couple of responses from guys which made me glad I’m not with them!

Those who were kind - thank you 🙏

OP posts:

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 10/03/2023 11:17

maddening · 07/03/2023 13:46

The only thing that would set my hares is the being quiet, leaving the whatsapp group and the over compensation.

This

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