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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stag do - girls on it including ex

72 replies

yosmartie · 07/03/2023 13:27

I found out after my partner went on a stag do, that 2 girls were on it… girls he knows well, in fact one who he was with for a while when he was a lot younger, an ex.

They're all mates from sixth from college 20 years ago. Somehow they still are all pretty “close”…in that they like to get together and “party” quite a lot (he doesn’t but his mates do). Despite living in the same city I’ve never got to know the girls. Probably partly me not really being interested I must admit.

I feel really angry about it… my partner wasn’t going to tell me they were on it, he knew before but didn’t tell me.

Also I never get to spend a whole Saturday from early morning AND night with him, without the kids… and yet behind my back this was exactly what he was doing with his ex. Fun activity to fun activity whilst merrily all getting trashed together (they get completely wasted).

Ok so he didn’t plan it - but his bestmate did. Thanks dude!
My partner knew from at least Thursday that these girls were going to be there.

If girls are invited, why wasn’t I invited, I’ve been “around” for nearly 20 years! Nope, they’re the ones that got the special girl pass.

I feel annoyed & frustrated at the pervading clique of this group. And for all the other reasons, I feel really disrespected.

My partner and I have young kids, no family support and have always had a volatile relationship and from time to time really struggle and get right to the brink of splitting up (like now because of this latest issue). He pays me very little attention, always moaning and critical, and we have barely any affection. I do trust him as much as you can trust any partner, but I also know boundaries were probably pushed.

When he decided to tell me on Monday about it, he was giving me massive emotional hugs which got too weird, as we never do that now. He left the stag do WhatsApp group on Sunday morning, and was quiet all day (he stayed over at stag do in apparently separate guest house). He said he was trying to do all the right things, I half believe him.

I just can’t get it out of my head. I wish his ex would just go away.

I’m not going to the wedding in May, as I’m looking after our kids (who aren’t invited). And no good family to help, now I’m really glad I’m not going. These are so far from being my friends.

I need my hand held.
AIBU?

OP posts:
IamnotSethRogan · 07/03/2023 14:00

I'm not sure why you think you'd be invited on a stag do with a group of people you say yourself you've never really been interested in getting to know.

I'm in a group of friends with people I used to go out with before I met DH. He's shown an interest in getting to know them but also I do things with just them sometimes.

Stag dos are really just a mates piss up before a wedding and the groom wanted all his friends there.

You've got problems in your relationship and perhaps your partner acted poorly by not telling you and feels guilty now, but equally would you have ruined it for him if you knew ?

TheySeeMeRowling · 07/03/2023 14:06

Do you always react this way to situations you’re not happy with. How is your relationship in general?

Autumndays123 · 07/03/2023 14:12

If they've been friends for 20 years since sixth form, they are nearly 40 year old women. They aren't girls.

You weren't invited because clearly you are not a part of the friend group, you are the member's partner. Huge difference.

Summerfun54321 · 07/03/2023 14:32

You seem to have put all your unrelated frustrations into a big melting pot, given them a stir and pulled out a some mythical logic whereby your DH is to blame for absolutely everything.

FiveHundredDucksWentOutOneDay · 07/03/2023 14:38

"I’m a burnt out Mum and I need to book some fun time with just my friends."

That doesn't sound like the answer.

The problem is that your volatile relationship; his moany, critical nature; and you constantly being at breaking point; not that you haven't been out with your friends in a while.

TrinnySmith · 07/03/2023 14:39

Fix it so you can go to the wedding - pay a babysitter who's recommended to you. Start joining in.

ShimmeringShirts · 07/03/2023 14:48

I can see why he would want to leave tbh.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 07/03/2023 14:52

The only time a male partner acted the way yours has, quiet and with weird affection, was when he felt guilty for shagging someone else the night before.

CantGetDecentNickname · 07/03/2023 14:53

Think it would be a good idea to chat to him after the DC have gone to bed to say that you do feel very burnt out, that you both don't get to spend much time together and that you don't want this to continue. Ask him what he thinks you can do as a couple to keep together and make things more fun.

Try not to criticise and get angry, try to keep calm when discussing things with him. If you are being reasonable, it makes it harder for him to start moaning at you or blaming you and increases the chances of agreeing something and a positive outcome.

I'd recommend finding a babysitter (ask around other mums who they use) and make it a thing to have some regular time together without the DC. Also arrange some regular time at the weekend for doing activities with them, together as a family. Doesn't have to be anything fancy, can just be playing in a local park, picnic etc. Let him know that as you will be doing the childcare during the wedding and already have done this for the stag do, he needs to do have them when you go out with your friends a couple of times and make the arrangements. Try not to show upset about him seeing his old group of friends, just spend time with your own.

CantGetDecentNickname · 07/03/2023 14:57

Meant to add to set yourself a time limit - 6 months? 12 months? and if things don't improve and continue to be volatile in that time, you could try counselling or look to separate especially if you feel you are being ignored and overlooked. Don't give up without a try though!

IDontWantToBeAPie · 07/03/2023 14:59

You're being dramatic. If it wasn't his stag do then he's not in charge of who goes.

They're childhood friends. And likely were together when a lot younger. It's not like it's his ex-wife or anything.

My partners best mates from school go on holiday every year without me - I've been around a decade. I'm not a childhood friend so it's a different vibe.

Sounds like your volatile relationship is the issue and not the stag do.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 07/03/2023 14:59

A stag party isn't for partners or couples, however long you have known the stag. If you and your dp had a good healthy relationship then it wouldn't have mattered that there were a couple of women there, even if one was an ex. All that matters is that they are friends of the stag. If he had told you the women were going, would you have let him attend?

CanofCant · 07/03/2023 15:10

I agree a night out with your friends isn't going to fix it really. I expect you are feeling this way because he doesn't prioritise your relationship and has more freedom than you. Otherwise you'd not feel so upset and insecure.

How volitile is volitile? How old are your kids? It sounds like there's a lot of background to this and that it can be a pretty exhausting relationship.

Shoxfordian · 07/03/2023 15:13

It sounds like they’re all old friends op; it’s your choice to have not made any effort with them

Yabu but it seems you’re not happy anyway in the relationship

ItsaMetalBand · 07/03/2023 15:15

I’m a burnt out Mum and I need to book some fun time with just my friends.

What's the reasons stopping you doing exactly this?

When I want to go out with the girls its just a matter of saying "just checking, DH, that you've nothing lined up for Saturday night? - because I've arranged to go out with Sarah and Gillian."

Lwrenagain · 07/03/2023 15:17

I really couldn't let this upset me, I have a group of friends like this.
I don't party with them because I'm not keen on going out but we're all still close despite having a few of us as exes in our youth.
We love each other and we love knowing that we're all happy.
I mean this kindly but you've taken it very personally these women were invited, I'm really sure that's just you feeling very meh, not logic.
But the word volatile concerns me, that's not healthy

NowAAT · 07/03/2023 15:32

I think its more about the ex more than anything. You're feeling a little insecure. If you trust him Op then you have nothing to worry about.

BadNomad · 07/03/2023 15:34

Would you have prevented him from going if he'd told you the ex was going to be there?

Tiredalwaystired · 07/03/2023 15:38

I was best man for one of my male friends so I arranged the stag night. There was one other girl. My husband (then boyfriend) didnt come as he wasn’t that close with the groom, who id already known for 15 years.

But my husband trusts me so it was a non issue. The issue here isn’t whether there are women at the do. It’s whether you trust your husband with other women.

It could just as easily be a works night out - do you trust him then? I would have perhaps thought a stag with women along would be tamer if anything, especially if they are all long term mates.

TedMullins · 07/03/2023 15:40

You’re being ridiculous about the stag do. Why is it you’ve never got to know his friends in 20 years? Have they shut you out of the group or is it you who’s excluded yourself?

The lack of affection though is another issue, as is the volatility of the relationship, neither of those are healthy. It doesn’t sound like a particularly great relationship even without you kicking off about him having the audacity to have female friends.

RichardHeed · 07/03/2023 15:49

You weren’t invited because you’re not the stags mate in the same way the other women are. If you and your bloke split up would you expect to be mates with the stag still? I’m really struggling to get my head around why you perceive yourself to be on the same level tbh, it’s really narcissistic. Do you have your own friends?

You’ve also said yourself you make no effort with the girls (but not the boys, interesting) so why would the stag want you there to make his mates uncomfortable when you clearly have a problem with them?

As PPs have said, the real crux of the matter is your relationship is shite. A volatile relationship is absolutely no place for children either. You need to have a long hard think about what’s important here. Your fella on a stag do with a woman he went out with when he was a kid ain’t it.

Zippidydoda · 07/03/2023 15:50

You say you trust him but also say that you think boundaries would have been pushed. That’s not gelling in my head. Are you confident he wouldn’t have stepped over the line or not?

Having women at a stag isn’t odd to me. Clearly they are part of the friendship group which is why they were invited. I wouldn’t expect you to be invited as it’s not common for partners/spouses to be invited to these things.
Is it possible you feel sensitive and are seeing more than what is there? How come you’ve barely met his friends if they are so close?

what is a red flag is his leaving the WhatsApp app group Sunday and being emotional. What is his explanation for that?

Devoutspoken · 07/03/2023 15:51

He should have told you

Lilyandroses · 07/03/2023 16:00

Hmm, I am going against some of the comments on here and think that your partner is the unreasonable one. Not for going on the stag do with woman invited (if they are the grooms friends - he can invite who he wants to be honest) but your partner should have told you before the stag do.

I’m married to a partner who trusts me and I would 100% tell him if an ex of mine was going to be at a place I was invited to especially something close like a hen do. I don’t think he would stop me from going as I know he trusts me, but he would probably be a bit miffed if he found out after the event that I had spent a weekend away with an ex and not told him beforehand.

Also sounds a bit odd emotionally hugging you and coming out of the WhatsApp groups - I don’t know sounds all a bit odd to me.

Either he needs to work on his communication and be more honest with you or sometimes people end up hiding things if they feel their partner is a bit controlling. I think you need a serious chat about this

mewkins · 07/03/2023 16:00

maddening · 07/03/2023 13:46

The only thing that would set my hares is the being quiet, leaving the whatsapp group and the over compensation.

Yeah, this would make me wonder what went on as well.

I can sympathise OP. Do you feel generally left out (always the one to stay at home and look after the kids)? Or do you generally dislike/not trust this group of friends? Or do you feel like this is just the latest in a long list of way in which you are the afterthought?