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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent spending so much on presents?

59 replies

LovingLife0 · 07/03/2023 10:31

Every month, I’m spending so much of my disposable income on other people. For example this month I have/will have paid for presents for:
2 friends of my sons (they’re going to their parties) £10 each
2 donations to people going on maternity leave at work £5 each
My brother’s birthday £20
My friend’s daughter’s birthday £10
A friend who’s had a baby £20
Mothers Day £20
A friend’s birthday £15
This comes to £115 and is a normal type of month.

I know I could spend less but I find it hard finding something nice for less than the above. I also really love these people! But it is so much money and selfishly I’d love to buy some new clothes instead of getting bits at charity shops!

AIBU to resent spending this much? How other people manage this sort of spending?

OP posts:
GoodChat · 07/03/2023 10:35

It's a lot to spend and it's not like you're buying extortionate presents either. Could you bulk buy in the sales? You'll probably find you could get 3 or 4 months worth of presents for the same price as a full priced month.

Harebrain · 07/03/2023 10:38

I have a present cupboard, filled with lovely things that I’ve seen in sales. (I’m not talking about tat or unwanted stuff). I keep this topped up and use it for gifts as I see fit. It means I can give lovely gifts without them costing a fortune.

Nsky62 · 07/03/2023 10:39

You must have leaner months, in terms of birthdays?
you don’t have to spend £15 on a friend, and £20 on a baby present, a gift voucher from Asda/Tesco/sains letting them choose £10

marshmallowsforbreakfast · 07/03/2023 10:42

I find January - May really busy for birthdays etc and then it tails off. It's the kids birthday party gifts I find such a pain as I honestly never know what to buy.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/03/2023 10:46

Agree with family and friends to exchange cards only. Most adults will be equally glad of not having to spend the money or time on finding presents which at that price point often end up being tat anyway.

DutchCowgirl · 07/03/2023 10:47

If you or your child is going to a party , you could say that you are not only spending money on a present, but you’re also saving money in a way… because you’ve been out, had a drink and a snack maybe even a meal. If you would skip all birthdayparties then maybe you were spening money on other types of entertainment and food.

I think that you could give less to the colleagues though… I work at a big company and there are always people leaving. I ‘d give 2,50€
Mothers day is also something to save on i think. Most mothers wouldn’t want their child not to be able to afford new clothes becase of mothers day presents….

PeekAtYou · 07/03/2023 10:48

You need a present cupboard for the children's gifts. Look out for 3 for 2 offers so that you're buying 3 x £10 gifts for £20 rather than £30.

As for the adults is there anyone who would probably secretly be relieved if you suggest no gift exchange ? For every gift you give you will be receiving one back during the year.

PeekAtYou · 07/03/2023 10:50

It's also ok to decline a party invite - as the saying goes it's an invitation and not a summons. Most kids will have say a handful of children that they are close to so want to go their party but some parties are whole class so missing it doesn't matter so much.

whatadayforadaydream · 07/03/2023 10:51

The obvious answer is just don't. Bulk buy kids presents for parties, or get cheaper things. Give to family members but things that are more in your budget.

Also, surely this can't be every month. Some months are fuller/ more expensive than others.

PeekAtYou · 07/03/2023 10:51

Have you considered £5 in a card for the school friends? They can buy what they want.

CharlotteDoyle · 07/03/2023 10:54

That does seem like quite a lot of gift giving this month, but Mother's Day is only once a year and surely you don't have a siblings' birthdays and colleagues going on mat leave every month.

If your child is going to another kid's birthday party then yes you need to buy a small gift but the rest is optional really

Original poster
LovingLife0 · 07/03/2023 10:56

Some great ideas - I might speak to my siblings and see if they want to move to just cards. Also I’ll try bulk buying kids presents - I need to be more organised!

Some months there is slightly less to buy but I save the remainder from £100 and put towards the kids/Christmas. But honestly, most months are like this one way or another. This is what I resent - there always seems to be something I didn’t expect!

But thanks for the advice - all really helpful

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 07/03/2023 10:58

PeekAtYou · 07/03/2023 10:50

It's also ok to decline a party invite - as the saying goes it's an invitation and not a summons. Most kids will have say a handful of children that they are close to so want to go their party but some parties are whole class so missing it doesn't matter so much.

I agree with you! Op stop buying so many presents

Far out have you read mn lately if you declined it would be the Spanish inquisition

deplorabelle · 07/03/2023 10:58

Definitely reduce gift giving where you can. I have absolutely no disposable income at the moment and it actually gets me down receiving gifts because so few of them are things I want to buy myself.

I had a birthday recently and received lovely kind gifts from friends and family which I really appreciated but I did also look at them thinking "I've got to buy you something in a couple of months" and also "MIL you have yet again spent god knows how much on hand wash only clothing I will never wear while I am crying that I can't spend a tenner on supplies for my hobby which I love"

We agreed on no Christmas presents among our friendship group this year and it was much better

Ponoka7 · 07/03/2023 11:03

We stopped adult presents years ago. I don't need anything so instead of my adult DD's buying me things for Mother's Day etc, we try a new restaurant or have a day out that we all want to do. Or we meet up and whoever's occasion it is doesn't have to cook or contribute. Children's presents are £10 in a card. If it's a soft play party etc, it pays for itself in that sense.

spelunky · 07/03/2023 11:05

You don't have to buy presents for your friends/ friends' children/ friends having babies. None of that should be expected (if it is, maybe it needs a conversation with your friends).

Keep the kids party gifts, mothers day, family gifts and colleague contributions.

You would have spend £70 this month instead of £115 if you did this.

Mialouu · 07/03/2023 11:07

There's a good £70 there that sounds like not regular.....mothers day, brothers birthday, new babies....are you sure every month is like that for gifts? If it is, then I'd be temped to agree with friends that you don't do gifts for each other anymore, only the kids for example.

Kittlbua · 07/03/2023 11:11

Reduce the amount you spend on each present.
Agree with other adults not to exchange presents any more.
You can't afford to be spending that much if it means that you can't afford new clothes for yourself.

HairyToity · 07/03/2023 11:15

I have a presents drawer, for re-gifting or bargains that I've picked up. Sometimes even bought new unopened toys for a quid in charity shops.

Also have a card drawer with a cheap card stash.

thecatsthecats · 07/03/2023 11:16

If these people loved you, then they wouldn't get sniffy about not doing gifts.

I also hate receiving "gifty" things over small, practical items that will bring me joy over time - a fiver spent on craft materials would make me much happier than a £20 necklace that I felt I had to reciprocate in kind.

DuvetDownn · 07/03/2023 11:27

Could you put for example £40 per month away for this type of thing and use some of the tips already posted above?

BritInAus · 07/03/2023 11:29

I don't exchange any birthday presents with adults except my partner, parents and brother. They aren't extravagant presents either. Work donations can be kept small. Kids parties seem to be all the time, but I try to get stuff on special offer to spend a bit less on most, and then spend a little more for 2/3 of DC's best friends. I don't buy any presents for friend's kids - except a baby shower/newborn gift, and a small gift for a 1st birthday, if I'm invited to a party. The only kids I buy gifts for every birthday and xmas are my 3 nieces/nephews. Even then, they're not extravagant.

SkyandSurf · 07/03/2023 11:36

Another vote for the present cupboard.

I buy generic presents when they are on sale. I also buy boxes of cards when they are on sale. I reuse wrapping and bags and it all gets stored there.

Saves a lot of time and money.

But if even that is too costly, I suggest getting into making presents. Someone gave me a brownie in a jar mixture recently and I thought it was really cool. They bought a bunch of jars in a charity shop and then pre-measured all the ingredients bar eggs and milk into the jar. Inexpensive but exciting to receive.

takealettermsjones · 07/03/2023 11:49

You sound kind and generous but if you can't afford it, just don't.

2 friends of my sons (they’re going to their parties) £10 each
2 donations to people going on maternity leave at work £5 each
My brother’s birthday £20
My friend’s daughter’s birthday £10
A friend who’s had a baby £20
Mothers Day £20
A friend’s birthday £15
This comes to £115 and is a normal type of month.

I'd do:

2 x son's friends: notebook and stickers or busy book, reading book etc - £6 each.
Donations at work: just don't.
Brother's birthday: depends how close you are, but either keep this or reduce a little by planning in advance - alcohol on offer maybe, or a jumper in sales etc. £15.
Friend's daughter's birthday: don't. Or if necessary, same as son's friends above (£6).
Friend who had a baby: a babygro and a scratch card. £5.
Mother's Day: bunch of flowers and a home made cake. £8.
Friend's birthday: again depends how close you are. Potentially keep this. £15.
Total: £55 - £61.

stayathomer · 07/03/2023 11:58

We had a tough few years a few years ago and pretty much cut out presents for friends or friends’ children by coming to agreements etc and my god it was miserable. Then one year my friend’s mum had died and her birthday was coming up and I asked a group could we chip in for a few bits for her so sent her a balloon, a gift set, a book and some chocolates. Chocolates were pound shop, gift set on offer, book too-the most expensive thing was the balloon. The gushing out of her afterwards, honestly! She was saying it was the first real birthday she’d had in so long, how lovely and exciting it was etc. I think sometimes yes we need to cut back, but this is just a reminder that it’s the thought that counts. Some great ideas above for cutting down

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