Husband doesn’t look at me

[Lostwifehelp]

Hi

Throughout my marriage of ten years one of my issues has been not feeling that my husband is really attracted to me. He will tell me “you look nice” if I dress up, but his body language doesn’t feel like that off someone who is actually attracted. I’m above average looks wise (as is he) and have had my fair share off interest from men so I know what it feels like when someone is into you and maybe that’s part off the issue. I do often have moments off “I can’t take my eyes off you” when I look at him. I’ve not gained weight or anything which is sometimes the case in marriages where attraction fades. I don’t think he’s ever looked at me properly in a way that makes me feel like he really sees me and he’s also never flirtatious. We do have a physical relationship so I suppose there must be some basic level of attraction but it mostly feels like I’m there to scratch an itch and not that he’s physically attracted to me. Up until the time I told him it was upsetting me his eyes were mostly closed during anything sexual.

I’ve tried to make peace with the idea that he is attracted to me (as he says he is), but just not very much, thinking maybe because I wasn’t really his type but he says that’s not true and that he’s never had any interest in looking at any woman like that, which I find hard to believe. If you’re physically attracted to someone why wouldn’t you want to look at them?

He does have certain narcissistic traits (which is something we discussed last night) and he has said that maybe attraction for him is more about how much the other person wants him rather than how much he wants them, which I find quite disturbing. He did later backtrack on this a bit and said it was just a theory and not something he felt certain about.

I do sometimes feel a bit pathetic for feeling sad that he’s not very into me, and I’m prepared to be told I need to grow up and get over it.

"I don’t think he’s ever looked at me properly in a way that makes me feel like he really sees me and he’s also never flirtatious."

If this were a recent change, I'd be more concerned. But this may just be who he is and has always been? Everyone expresses themselves in different ways. If he's telling you he loves you and is attracted to you, maybe believe him?

My exhusband was like this, he said he loved me, said I was the love of his life, but didn't show it.

If I got dressed up with a prompt he would said I looked nice, but never anything that made me feel sexy or attractive.

I left and I'm now married to a man who makes me feel like I am the most beautiful woman on earth, I'm not I'm 52 and wrinkly, but he will just look at me and say, your so beautiful or you look amazing in that dress, pj's naked or whatever.

I dunno if I would just settle for nice, when there is someone out there who would love and appreciate you so much more.

he has said that maybe attraction for him is more about how much the other person wants him rather than how much he wants them

This is a definite thing.
I know because I have come across it before. Getting your arousal/sexual kick from being desired rather than desiring others isn't as uncommon as you might think

He loves you largely ( but probably not entirely) because you want him.

He might have backtracked on this but actually, he seems to have inadvertently given you an insight into his true character here. What you do with that is up to you. But I think he means it when he says he loves you for what it's worth.

@Iusethem Possibly but looking at past threads on mumsnet it seems like there are many couples where the attraction runs fairly strong 10/20/30 years later!

@WhineWhineWINE Yes, it’s not a change. I guess I struggle to rationalise how you can be attracted to someone and not want to look at them? I would like to understand how that’s possible so that I can try to accept it.

@Needanewnamebeingwatched Happy for you that you were able to find someone who made you feel both wanted and loved!

@MistyGreenAndBlue I do think he loves me too. I guess I just don’t know what to do with this insight he has given me. I know it does make me feel very sad.

I don't agree regarding the length of time should influence if your partner 'fancies' you. Yes the ripping each other clothes off the minute you see each other does fade but the love should go deeper. If his actions are not there maybe counselling could help. I've been with DH 25 years, he is much more physically loving than me ...I have to make an conscious effort to cuddle and touch, I'm not naturally like that ...but I do cause I really love him and he's expressed in previous years I can be a bit 'cold' . Communication is the key.

Two things.

Firstly, a lot of people aren't comfortable with explicitly lustful looking. This is more common for women, I think - ogling men in a sexual way can be riskier behaviour for us (but there's safety in numbers so groups of women can really lean into it). But a lot of men I've known will avert their eyes, sometimes unnecessarily, because they know that ogling is what creeps and sexists do. And while this behaviour shouldn't apply to your own actual partner, habits are hard to break. I don't think it necessarily denotes a level of attraction.

Secondly... you say this has been an issue throughout your marriage? But surely at some point you knew you were attracted to each other enough to get married? If you've never been sure he was attracted to you, I'm confused as to how you got married to him.

@bert3400 I’m the same with not being good at giving physical affection, whereas he is very good at it and needs it. We feel that it’s a product of our childhoods- he grew up with very affectionate parents and I never had any physical affection growing up.
I can’t explain the not looking in the same way though. Surely physical attraction makes you want to look at the person you are attracted to? And if you don’t do that the only explanation is that you’re not really attracted?

I read the 10 years part of the op as a background so we know the set up of the relationship and that there had been enough time for her to know her husband and how he is.

I don't think this is about losing attraction or it fading years later, her husband just was never one to look at her lovingly.

Having experienced the goo goo gaga lovey dovey eye contact I know what she means. My husband can be a bit like yours op but he definitely gives me the eyes and we've been together longer than you have. It doesn't happen as often as the first year of dating but I get that look at least once a month and my looks have definitely changed to the worse since together and my husband is the type who doesn't notice haircuts ... etc.

I don't know why but I thought he might be gay but your narcissistic hypothesis might be true... I don't know enough about it but that part about being turned on by being wanted, liking being liked is something I've come across.

It could be he's imagining someone else in sex or could be he is the vain dreamy type maybe a narcissist.....Whatever it is it's not a reflection on you.

I don't know enough about Autism but the eye contact thing is usually brought up in relation to being Neurodivergent, could it be that he's not good at eye contact in general? Did you ever see him eye up a celebrity or someone in real life lovingly or with lust?

I’m not sure how to say this gently op but are you sure he’s not the only one with narcissistic tendencies?

Does it bother him that you don’t show him love in the way he prefers ie physical affection? Or is it just you struggling with Jim not doing what you want?

Him. Not Jim. Who I’m sure is a lovely bloke.

How do you look at him?

@gannett That’s interesting. When he was trying to come up with possible theories for why he is the way he is one of the things he mentioned was that maybe it’s because he was raised to think a wife is someone to be respected rather than someone who one had to be very attracted to (sounded a bit Madonna-whore complex like to me). What I don’t understand with that is, for men who feel that, how are they then able to have sex with their wives? I know he’s had a fairly colourful past so I don’t think being super modest around women is ingrained in him. As for your question about attraction in the beginning, there was a lot of love and sex. With the latter, even then it felt like it was just scratching an itch rather than an interest in me but I guess I overlooked that because we loved each other so much.

@KingDog My husband is the type to notice everything. But I’ve never had “the eyes”. I think he’s too well adjusted socially to ever get an autism diagnosis and there aren’t really any other signs other than poor eye contact. I haven’t seen him look at anyone lustfully but I have seen him flirt with a woman before.

@BitOutOfPractice I do show him physical affection, it just doesn’t come as naturally to me as it does to him. It’s something I’ve had to work on.

@JunkinDonuts With admiration, longing, lust etc

"I'm above average looks wise..." (If I do say so myself) Christ OP, whatever happened to a bit of modesty? I also really dislike your automatic assumption that if you put on weight, it makes you unattractive. 🙄 You need to firmly speak to your husband and ask what's going on in his head.

@halfsiesonapotnoodle Haha it’s not something I go around saying to anyone ever but the truth is that I have had my fair share of male attention and I think that is somewhat relevant here because maybe if I’d never experienced that I would just accept I’m nothing special and none of this would bother me. I’m posting anonymously on mumsnet for advice, not looking for attention about how I look! As for the comment about weight, if you look at past threads on this topic, it’s pretty common for women to talk about how their husbands are not attracted to them once they have gained weight so I was just pre-empting any questions like that. Of course I realise that there are women who are overweight and attractive and there are also men who are attracted to them.

Oh, things really aren’t fair, are they?

I’d love nothing more than a man who could love me beyond ogling and wanting just sex.

But if you want that, then you want that.

But I don’t think it right for you to say there is something wrong with him, though..

He does have certain narcissistic traits (which is something we discussed last night) and he has said that maybe attraction for him is more about how much the other person wants him rather than how much he wants them, which I find quite disturbing.

There's no reason to find this 'disturbing'. Being wanted can be a turn-on. Indeed, it's basically what your thread is about.

Wtf is wrong with saying that? I'm above average looks and fat people turn me off. It's not an attack on you, it's just a statement of fact.

@YouAreNotBatman I have tried to come around to that way of thinking. I do value the love that we have for each other. I guess it just makes the physical relationship awkward when you feel like you aren’t really wanted. I’ve tried to switch off from caring about that side of things but like you said “if you want that, you want that”

@lazycats Of course everyone wants to be wanted but when someone is saying their desire is almost entirely based on that need and not on physical attraction to the other person it feels wrong to me. I do want to be wanted by my husband, but I am also very attracted to him and interested in him physically.

I’m wondering, if you had plenty of attention from men on the past, is there something about your DH that made him the one you settled down with? Or something about you that made him think you were the one for him? Could be worth exploring.

@Clarinet1 We have known each other since we were kids and were friends for a long time before we were in a relationship. There’s a lot of familiarity and love on both sides. I’ve never felt loved as much by anyone else and neither has he.

He does have certain narcissistic traits (which is something we discussed last night)

He probably doesn't have anything above a normal level of narc. traits (almost everyone has some, it's a spectrum). If he did, you would NOT have been able to have a discussion about it. You would have been shut down in fury.

You say he's good at giving physical affection, but you less so.
Are you able to reframe your feelings a little, in that each of you is giving the other a form of approbation, you just do it differently?

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu I do think the traits are more than is normal (and I can see where it comes from in terms of who his mother is, upbringing etc) but he’s definitely not like some of the awful Narcs you read about.

I think I do want to re-frame things. The bit I’m getting stuck on is:
I’m not affectionate because I never received affection
I can’t find a similar logic for why someone who says they’re attracted to someone would have no interest in looking at them? Isn’t physical attraction all about admiring how someone looks? Is it even a thing that people can say they are attracted to someone but not want to look at them or is there something else going on here that neither of us really understands.

Nothing wrong with being truthful about your looks especially in the context of whether your partner finds you attractive.