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Original poster

Husband doesn’t look at me

57 replies

Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 07:59

Hi

Throughout my marriage of ten years one of my issues has been not feeling that my husband is really attracted to me. He will tell me “you look nice” if I dress up, but his body language doesn’t feel like that off someone who is actually attracted. I’m above average looks wise (as is he) and have had my fair share off interest from men so I know what it feels like when someone is into you and maybe that’s part off the issue. I do often have moments off “I can’t take my eyes off you” when I look at him. I’ve not gained weight or anything which is sometimes the case in marriages where attraction fades. I don’t think he’s ever looked at me properly in a way that makes me feel like he really sees me and he’s also never flirtatious. We do have a physical relationship so I suppose there must be some basic level of attraction but it mostly feels like I’m there to scratch an itch and not that he’s physically attracted to me. Up until the time I told him it was upsetting me his eyes were mostly closed during anything sexual.

I’ve tried to make peace with the idea that he is attracted to me (as he says he is), but just not very much, thinking maybe because I wasn’t really his type but he says that’s not true and that he’s never had any interest in looking at any woman like that, which I find hard to believe. If you’re physically attracted to someone why wouldn’t you want to look at them?

He does have certain narcissistic traits (which is something we discussed last night) and he has said that maybe attraction for him is more about how much the other person wants him rather than how much he wants them, which I find quite disturbing. He did later backtrack on this a bit and said it was just a theory and not something he felt certain about.

I do sometimes feel a bit pathetic for feeling sad that he’s not very into me, and I’m prepared to be told I need to grow up and get over it.

OP posts:
Celia24 · 07/03/2023 10:56

@halfsiesonapotnoodle why should she be modest? Women are cut down enough by the media pointing out all the ways they should feel insecure enough. Also it's just sheer self awareness rather than bragging.

YouAreNotBatman · 07/03/2023 11:11

Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 10:34

@Clarinet1 We have known each other since we were kids and were friends for a long time before we were in a relationship. There’s a lot of familiarity and love on both sides. I’ve never felt loved as much by anyone else and neither has he.

Was he ’safe’ in ways other men weren’t, maybe?

I think a lot of women (I’m not shaming or being mean to be clear) make this kind of a mistake.

KingDog · 07/03/2023 11:12

I think when you find someone physically attractive you automatically do the eyes at them, if it's inappropriate you rain it in but it does happen spontaneously and it's sometimes deeply uncomfortable and you struggle to hide the attraction when you are physically attracted.
When he flirted with this woman op, how was his eye contact? Do you remember if he gave her something he doesn't give you or done something that he's never done when dating you?

I have desired people and felt turned on because they saw me as this amazing Goddess it flattered me and make me want to show off, bask in the glory of the attention and it made me fancy them back a little. I don't think I'm narcissistic because of this example and I think most people show a trait that overlaps with narcissism but again I'm not an expert on the topic, just what I read about it here and there!

MRex · 07/03/2023 11:21

Is it possible that he's gay? Not all men are comfortable admitting it, or feel the need to keep it quiet because they want children so getting married feels easier.

It is rather sad for you whatever the issue is, you aren't unreasonable to want to be adored.

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 11:22

@YouAreNotBatman No, I do understand what you’re saying but it wasn’t that. He was probably less ‘safe’ than any off my other relationships.

@KingDog ”I think when you find someone physically attractive you automatically do the eyes at them” This is what I feel and I can’t think off a reason why it wouldn’t be like that if you were actually attracted to someone.
The flirting incident was so long ago, it isn’t really clear in my mind any more. I do remember saying that I wish his eyes would light up when looking at me and that he would lean in and touch my arm the way he did with her. He denies it was flirtation and says there was no attraction to that woman (his friends new girlfriend) and he was just trying to impress her 🤷🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
BellePeppa · 07/03/2023 11:23

KingDog · 07/03/2023 11:12

I think when you find someone physically attractive you automatically do the eyes at them, if it's inappropriate you rain it in but it does happen spontaneously and it's sometimes deeply uncomfortable and you struggle to hide the attraction when you are physically attracted.
When he flirted with this woman op, how was his eye contact? Do you remember if he gave her something he doesn't give you or done something that he's never done when dating you?

I have desired people and felt turned on because they saw me as this amazing Goddess it flattered me and make me want to show off, bask in the glory of the attention and it made me fancy them back a little. I don't think I'm narcissistic because of this example and I think most people show a trait that overlaps with narcissism but again I'm not an expert on the topic, just what I read about it here and there!

I’ve had guys think I’m a goddess (sorry not being big headed but have actually been called that before😵‍💫) and lots of men desiring me when I was at my ‘peak’ (god I sound a right one😁) but if I didn’t fancy them no amount of their fancying me was going to change my mind (it used to give me the ‘ick’ tbh).

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 11:25

@MRex Somebody else mentioned that earlier on in this thread. It’s not something I’d ever really thought off and I’ve not really had any other reasons to think it. He does talk about men being good looking in a way that he never talks about women but I’ve always put that down to him not wanting to make me feel more crap by gushing about other women. I guess you never know do you.

OP posts:
KingDog · 07/03/2023 11:27

@BellePeppa That happened when I was at my physical 'peak' as well and funnily enough that's when I was most insecure. Now if a guy is over the top with compliments I just think: yeah right! What are you selling me? Are you desperate?! 😂

@Lostwifehelp I don't think you're vain or narcissistic for wondering about it or for wanting your husband to look at you this way like some comments suggested. For me I always needed to see that look in their eyes to know they're interested, I'm surprised you've gone as far as marriage with someone who didn't give you the eyes. My parents weren't physically affectionate but I'm very affectionate with my DC and DH, I kiss and tell them I love them everyday, which to my parents was a few times a year by mum and dad, well never! I hope someone comes along with a theory or experience that may shed some light on your husband's behaviour. I don't think you're unreasonable to wonder x

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 11:33

@KingDog Thanks. I think if I stopped feeling any attraction towards him because he didn’t want me, you could say I was the same as him. But that’s never happened on my end. I’ve always been and still am very attracted to him even though I’m not sure it’s reciprocated.

I really hope too that someone can help me understand what’s going on here, if there is something I am missing x

OP posts:
LactoseTheIntolerant · 07/03/2023 11:45

MRex · 07/03/2023 11:21

Is it possible that he's gay? Not all men are comfortable admitting it, or feel the need to keep it quiet because they want children so getting married feels easier.

It is rather sad for you whatever the issue is, you aren't unreasonable to want to be adored.

I also wandered this... Its definitely not unheard of.

Twinedpeaks · 07/03/2023 12:25

How did you get together if there was no flirtation or obvious attraction?

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 12:44

@Twinedpeaks It started as a friendship, we became very close and then it turned into romantic love/ a desire to spend our lives together.

OP posts:
Zooeyzo · 07/03/2023 12:54

A friendship that settled into a relationship is quite different to two people who felt an instant chemistry desire for each other. Did he ever look at you with the "I want to shag you senseless" eyes? Sorry to be crude.

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 13:03

@Zooeyzo He would say that’s how he felt (over WhatsApp) but he’s never looked at me that way in real life, no.
I have wondered if it’s to do with it being a friendship turned into a relationship. All my other relationships started with physical attraction and not friendship.

OP posts:
WaddleAway · 07/03/2023 13:04

How often are you looking at him lustfully, and for how long? I’m just trying to get my head round the issue as I’m not sure it’s something DH and I do!
We’re both sexually attracted to each other and have a healthy sex life, but I’m not sure the lustful looks etc are something that are a part of our life. We have 2 full time jobs and 3 young children so I’m not even sure when it would happen! Are you talking about when you’re out together for example, or just when you’re at home in the day time?
Im worrying about the lack of lustful looks in my marriage now 😂

Zooeyzo · 07/03/2023 13:05

Yes and I think we all know the different ways men look at us.

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 13:10

@WaddleAway When it’s just the two of chilling out in the evening at home, having dinner out etc. Not all the time, no. We have busy lives and children too. I think it’s probably also about women (well certainly me anyway) supposedly having a more responsive sexual desire ie needing some warming up before and things like flirting, looks etc can help with that. Going into bed “cold” and then having sex doesn’t really work for me but that’s what we have always done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 13:11

@Zooeyzo So you think maybe he just never really moved on from being friends? I think that’s quite possible.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 07/03/2023 13:46

”I think when you find someone physically attractive you automatically do the eyes at them” This is what I feel and I can’t think off a reason why it wouldn’t be like that if you were actually attracted to someone"

@Lostwifehelp the key words here are "I think" and "I feel". You say that he is much more physical than you. He would equally say "...when you find someone attractive you automatically want to touch them"....well you don't do you. Could it just be something as simple as you're different? 🤔

Oh BTW, I don't think it's unusual to be turned on by someone else's desire for you. I love knowing I'm turning someone on and that in turn turns me on.....assuming of course I like them

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 13:58

@JudgeRudy No, I don’t think so. I did ask him once if the physical affection was perhaps his way of expressing his attraction and he said that he didn’t feel that there was anything sexual about it. I don’t think it’s any different to when he hugs or kisses our children. It’s just a demonstration of love.

OP posts:
YouAreNotBatman · 07/03/2023 14:22

But if he didn’t give these ’looks’ & ’lust’ that you clearly want and he wasn’t a safe choice, what on earth made you love him?
Sorry, none of my business, but it confusing sense sounds like you never had what you wanted in the first place and if he wasn’t even the best choice, how did it get here?

Tbh, I’m not sure what the look in the eyes is, is it the kind of a glaze over in their eyes?
I’ve always found it scary!
It’s like all the humanity is gone and you’re just an object they want to use to get what they want…

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 14:32

@YouAreNotBatman On my end I thought he was attractive, intelligent, interesting, a loving, kind, good person etc and we were very close friends. On his end I think there was all off those things too but probably not the attraction and I just overlooked it.

It doesn’t necessarily have to be a look but that’s just the way I’ve seen it expressed most frequently, it’s basically anything outside of the bedroom that makes you feel that the person is physically attracted and interested in you.

OP posts:
Landlockedlover · 07/03/2023 16:46

Do you know if he was the same in previous relationships?

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 17:25

@Landlockedlover He’s not very open about past relationships but apparently he hasn’t had much of a desire to look at anyone he has been with.

OP posts:
Simplyhopeful · 26/09/2023 04:17

My husband doesn't look at me naked either never showers with me I can get dressed right in front of him doesn't look when I'm really down with self-esteem I say look you like.he goes oh yay nice.it hurts he shows love tells me all is great but desiring to look at me naked or get excited or even cares to look it's so weird