Husband doesn’t look at me

[Lostwifehelp]

Hi

Throughout my marriage of ten years one of my issues has been not feeling that my husband is really attracted to me. He will tell me “you look nice” if I dress up, but his body language doesn’t feel like that off someone who is actually attracted. I’m above average looks wise (as is he) and have had my fair share off interest from men so I know what it feels like when someone is into you and maybe that’s part off the issue. I do often have moments off “I can’t take my eyes off you” when I look at him. I’ve not gained weight or anything which is sometimes the case in marriages where attraction fades. I don’t think he’s ever looked at me properly in a way that makes me feel like he really sees me and he’s also never flirtatious. We do have a physical relationship so I suppose there must be some basic level of attraction but it mostly feels like I’m there to scratch an itch and not that he’s physically attracted to me. Up until the time I told him it was upsetting me his eyes were mostly closed during anything sexual.

I’ve tried to make peace with the idea that he is attracted to me (as he says he is), but just not very much, thinking maybe because I wasn’t really his type but he says that’s not true and that he’s never had any interest in looking at any woman like that, which I find hard to believe. If you’re physically attracted to someone why wouldn’t you want to look at them?

He does have certain narcissistic traits (which is something we discussed last night) and he has said that maybe attraction for him is more about how much the other person wants him rather than how much he wants them, which I find quite disturbing. He did later backtrack on this a bit and said it was just a theory and not something he felt certain about.

I do sometimes feel a bit pathetic for feeling sad that he’s not very into me, and I’m prepared to be told I need to grow up and get over it.

Some people have more responsive desire. Usually that's women but it's also the case for some men. My husband is similar and it took a while to get used to OP, but I did get used to it and I know he fancies me.

I'm more worried by what you said about sex feeling like he's just "scratching an itch". You said it's been this way since the beginning, yes?

If you're ten years into a marriage with someone who basically shows no sexual interest in you then, despite being such good and loving friends, I'd imagine it must feel hollow. I'd also wonder why on earth you got & stayed married, but we are where we are.

If you don't think he's sexually interested in another woman somewhere, perhaps he isn't sexually interested in women. Or does he have a hangup about sex, think it's nasty or shameful or something?

I think people are all different and express their feelings in different ways. And it is entirely possible/reasonable to love someone and find them irresistible without it being a looks thing, or without them being gay ffs. If you think about it, sight is only one of The five senses. Yes a lot of men are very visual (hence the appeal of porn) but not all men are. It sounds to me like you have a thoughtful, honest and loving husband but you're struggling because he doesn't fit into the precise box you have in your head of "this is how all men behave when they fancy you" when the reality is that normal sexual attraction can be manifested in lots of different ways.

You are so lucky! I once read that you should only be with someone who makes you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. My husband feels like a best friend and coupled with the fact that I used to be really sexual all the time I am looking for a bit on the side to help me feel happy.

I think he's told you how his mind works, so believe him.
I've been with my DH over 20 years. He's not one for gazing at me from across the room lovingly (he does in bed!) But he does grab me for a hug/grope several times a day and if he catches me in any stage of undress, he's over like a shot! Which fascinates me, because I have put lots of weight on in the course of our marriage and I'm in my 40's now, not 20s.
What does your DH do when he sees you naked? Does he look at you with desire then? If not, that would worry me.

I was in a relationship with a man like this for years. He was gay, and actually didn’t know (believe what you will, I know him, love him and still believ this to be true. The inkling he had had years previously had been buried deep.

im now with my husband who used to look at me like you’re describing :)

This is a bit of a zombie thread, given it was originally posted 6+ months ago, but in case @Lostwifehelp is still around:

I think you're falling into the fundamental attribution error of "I do this thing in this particular way, and therefore I can't imagine/believe that any other human does this thing in any other way".
Take that thought and start applying it to other areas of life, and it soon becomes apparent how silly it is - but it's a very common way of thinking and a big source of misunderstandings in general.

You're very visual, apparently, so that is how your desire and attraction works. Ok, great, that's a good thing to know.

But some people just don't process visually, and it doesn't work the same way for them. It doesn't for me. I'm very attracted to my partner (& was to past ones), but no, I don't have very much interest in looking at him, and my physical attraction is virtually not at all based on how someone looks.
It's based on smell, connection, how I feel about them, hugs, conversation etc. All those things give me a physical response. Looking at him.... No.

I can look and see "oh, he has nice eyes" or whatever, but it's aesthetic, like looking at a painting or something similar. There's virtually no emotion and no desire at all attached to it. I just don't process that way. I love him, but I love the physical reality of him and my conception/perception/idea of him. His appearance - no, not so much. Not that I don't like it, I just genuinely don't think about it, it's not an important part of who he is to me.

If you feel unloved and unwanted, that's for sure something to address with him. But essentially demanding that he does something very personal in the way you do it, because you don't believe any other way is real.... That's not only unreasonable, it's also pretty much impossible for him. How he experiences attraction is as natural to him as the way you do it is to you.

Ok, maybe they're different. Maybe you need to learn to attune a bit more to how he does show you he loves you, and maybe he needs to understand a bit more about what makes you feel loved and wanted, and make an effort to meet you half way.

But there's no one size fits all, and it doesn't sound like his behaviour has changed over your relationship. When you ask him, he's tried to reassure you... So maybe you just need to explain a little more explicitly how you feel and what you need, and also try to understand a little more that maybe he's different to you in this way.