To ask why so many MiL’s treat the mother of their grandchild like a walking womb?

[Mamabearprotectinghercub]

Read a lot on mumsnet recently about mother in laws/grandmothers on the paternal side doing things that are completely batshit, controlling, and they seem to treat the mother of their grandchildren like walking wombs. I have my own experience of this too - partner and I split whilst pregnant but his mother treated being appallingly following the birth of my child, said I was mentally ill because I wanted to hold my child too much, shouted at me and insulted me in my own house because she couldn’t get her own way with my child (last thing I needed as a single first time mother who just gave birth) and did SO many things that made me uncomfortable and made me feel like a surrogate to HER child rather than a mother to my own child which caused me so much stress and has left me shaken.

so my question is, why are so many mother in law’s or grandparents on the paternal side like this? Why do they want control over their grandchild and not simply let the mother get on with it and have her own rules and respect that?! i know not ALL are like this but from my own experience and others I’ve read about online they are so controlling and I just don’t understand why?! The behaviour of some of them is so upsetting and distressing to the mothers.

I have a theory and it wouldn't be strictly related to MIL. More older mothers in general and babies. I wonder how many of these women actually held and soaked up all the baby goodness when their own children were babies. Did someone else interfer with their child and reduced the cuddles they gave them? Did they have the pressure of "not spoiling a baby" and as a result felt they couldn't cuddle them.

I say this as someone who had a velcro baby who I basically had to hold for a year continuously. I can now appreciate a baby and how cute they are (took a few year 🤣) but I have zero desire to hold a baby ever again. Some relatives have given me their baby to hold (so they can eat warm food) and yes it's nice but I most certainly got all my baby cuddles in with my own baby. Maybe if I had had the pressure to not "spoil" the baby I wouldn't feel this way and be desperate for cuddles.

Just a theory. Could be utter nonsense of course.

You hear about it more because people are less likely to post a thread about their MIL treating them well, what would the AIBU be? Plenty of mother in laws are respectful, just like any relative some aren't but the general stereotype is a bit tedious now.

Some people are shit generally. And mixing families is difficult. Particularly if one side or the other finds it hard to remember that different is not the same as wrong. And that it is possible to love more than one person at a time.

I think my MIL is going to be decent enough. She had a very traumatic birth experience with my husband so she should be understanding, and if anyone asks me an intrusive question about TTC, she snaps back before I have a chance to that it's none of their business.

However, she will be wildly, in your face excited, in a way that I'm sure will wind me up. On top of that, we have completely opposite tastes and ways of doing things.

So I'm going to try and focus on the former and not the latter. And not let anyone know about the event until it's over.

Hi @Mamabearprotectinghercub i totally agree with you x

⬆️ This!

Also we’ve gone through adolescence with our own mothers and the relationship has survived and is anyway unconditional, so when our mums piss us off in the emotional post-partum fug, it’s easier to snap at them and put them straight. Our relationship with in-laws is usually more polite so it is much trickier to resolve niggles and issues. There’s more agonising and seething than with our own parents, - unless you are cursed with a mother who is a champion at hypersensitive victimhood and passive aggression.