To ask why so many MiL’s treat the mother of their grandchild like a walking womb?

[Mamabearprotectinghercub]

Read a lot on mumsnet recently about mother in laws/grandmothers on the paternal side doing things that are completely batshit, controlling, and they seem to treat the mother of their grandchildren like walking wombs. I have my own experience of this too - partner and I split whilst pregnant but his mother treated being appallingly following the birth of my child, said I was mentally ill because I wanted to hold my child too much, shouted at me and insulted me in my own house because she couldn’t get her own way with my child (last thing I needed as a single first time mother who just gave birth) and did SO many things that made me uncomfortable and made me feel like a surrogate to HER child rather than a mother to my own child which caused me so much stress and has left me shaken.

so my question is, why are so many mother in law’s or grandparents on the paternal side like this? Why do they want control over their grandchild and not simply let the mother get on with it and have her own rules and respect that?! i know not ALL are like this but from my own experience and others I’ve read about online they are so controlling and I just don’t understand why?! The behaviour of some of them is so upsetting and distressing to the mothers.

I am a grandmother( who does weekly childcare for GC) and have a great relationship with my DIL . I would never dream of making or overiding any parenting decisions made by her or my DS .I think the view on here is skewed as that those who post are the ones with issues . We are not all controlling/ interfering monsters .

My MIL would have spoken honestly to me, and may have asked questions if she was concerned, but she never saw me as just a womb. She was wonderful, and is much missed.

My own mother however,is a different story. She shared her theory that infertile women really just don't want babies enough, loudly and often. For most of the 8 years it took me to get pregnant. My MIL would have told her to shut her ignorant trap.

Why are so many people massive fucking nutjobs? <shrugs>

I’m so sorry you went this. As someone with a condition that makes me permanently infertile you would have my permission to suggest that she tries to find the organs I’m missing!

Oops went through this - I was so angry on your behalf I got fumble fingers!

That is awful.. My mother well both my parents are the ones who treated me like an incubator. We are NC as they were controlling and abusive in many other ways too.

Mine definitely saw me as a womb. She barely spoke to me until I was pregnant and then she wanted to be my best friend and would complain to my DH that she was worried if I took a few hours to reply to her texts (while I was at work). It continues even now my son is 9 and she won’t even make eye contact with me when she comes into my house. When he was a babe in my arms and I opened the door to her she would always go in to say hello to him and not me. Glad to read on here sometimes that not all are like that.

Reading ‘She’ by Robert A Johnson recently helped me understand the whole MIL stereotype more.

PS just for a giggle - ‘Mother in law’ is an anagram of ‘woman Hitler’.

My MIL was amazing & brilliant with my kids.

My MIL always refers to my (now adult) children as her grandchildren when she speaks to me. For example she will ring and ask "How are my grandchildren?" She never refers to them as my children and rarely even asks about them by name. And if she does use their names it's always preceded by "my". "Where's my Jimmy today? How is my Mary doing at college?"... you get the picture. She recently told me that I can't possibly understand how stressful it was for her, having to leave her grandchildren with me when they were little.🙄

OMG she sounds insufferable

I had to go and have a word with my childrens nursery and schools about not letting my mil pick my children up under any circumstances. This was after she decided to pull my daughter out of nursery one day without telling me. There was a substitute teacher in that day who handed her my daughter over without question when she turned up and asked for her. She didn’t have a clue who she’d handed her over to or where she was when I turned up at pick up time and she wasn’t there 😡

I don't think it's that common and I don't think it's confined to MILS.

MIL has been very frank that I am merely the vessel that gives her her disappointing grandchildren. Think excluded from family events, Christmas presents for everyone other than me, telling everyone at DS’s christening how horrible I was because I wouldn’t let her hold him when he was fast asleep in his pram… her latest was when we found out we were expecting DS2 was how she was ‘sick of boys and it was such a shame I was incapable of having a girl’.

Our pregnancy ahead of DS2 we had a stillborn DD. Clearly she doesn’t count.

She’s just a tactless, insensitive cunt. I wouldn’t say it’s specific to her being a MIL. She’s pretty consistently vile to everyone.

All of my friends on the other hand have genuinely lovely relationships with their MIL’s.

I think I've posted before butmO don't trust my MIL to be alone with my DD. I've caught her calling herself "mummy" on several occasions (i.e on purpose, not an accident) There's more to it but yeah. As a PP asked, why are so many people nut jobs??

But I* sorry typo

I don’t think it’s a MIL thing. I had exactly the same issues with my mother. She once told me directly she has no interest in me and only comes to visit for her grandchildren. My MIL on the other hand was a lovely woman.

It might be that we see more complaints about MILs because daughters who have mothers like this have been conditioned all their lives so are more likely to be accepting, whereas when it’s your MIL and you have had normal parental relationships up until that point, it comes as a shock.

Oh yes, MILs.

I’ve posted here before about mine who decided to wait until I was in the restaurant toilet to tell my DSD I was pregnant with DD2. It was my first Mother’s Day with DD1 after three miscarriages. She’s fucked me off today as well, making a big song and dance because I had already made plans this weekend that didn’t fucking involve her.

Sorry for rant, had a crap day. My own mother hasn’t exactly been a shining light recently.

@Postpartumbod wow, what a nasty woman.

@Snoopysimaginaryfriend -wow WTF. Why are you not extremely low contact with her!

I'm following with interest. My MIL was lovely, now I've had the baby I am just that walking womb. Or maybe just a living breathing barrier to her pretending to be a mum again.

The thing is she can be lovely, but I think it is pretty clear that her son and her grandchildren are her family but she could take or leave me.

My mother in law was so, so lovely until I had my son. She would walk away with him in the pram when he was weeks old, so I couldn’t see them. She told me that his cry made her feel the letdown reflex. She kept hold of him when he was crying when I knew it was hunger, and wouldn’t hand him back to me.

Mostly it was her, but I definitely felt a shift in myself towards her that may have been hormonal - so I’m conscious some of the change in the way I felt came from me and I don’t think this is unusual.

Yeah let's bash mother in laws because a woman's own can't be shit too.

I generally get on well with my MIL, this this comment still pisses me off (yes I should get over it).

At 30 weeks pregnant I came down with a really nasty respiratory infection- like really nasty- I collapsed and had to stay in hospital for a couple of days.

When DH told her what was happening her only response was “is the baby ok?”, when DH told her that yes as far as we knew baby was doing fine she says breezily “ah well that’s all that matters then” and changes the subject. Actually no MIL, I matter too!

I think it's more the personality of the person involved tbh rather then paternal mothers.

I have friends who have amazing MIL and they get on brilliantly don't overstep the mark and are nice people.

Sadly my own MIL is not like this at all but her own children (SIL and DH) have a very turbulent relationship with her as its all about her and how she comes across. She only cares with the image of being a grandmother to her friends not actually building a relationship with any of her 6 GCs. She doesn't bother unless it's for show sadly.

I have boys and it's taught me how not to be in the future!