To ask why so many MiL’s treat the mother of their grandchild like a walking womb?

[Mamabearprotectinghercub]

Read a lot on mumsnet recently about mother in laws/grandmothers on the paternal side doing things that are completely batshit, controlling, and they seem to treat the mother of their grandchildren like walking wombs. I have my own experience of this too - partner and I split whilst pregnant but his mother treated being appallingly following the birth of my child, said I was mentally ill because I wanted to hold my child too much, shouted at me and insulted me in my own house because she couldn’t get her own way with my child (last thing I needed as a single first time mother who just gave birth) and did SO many things that made me uncomfortable and made me feel like a surrogate to HER child rather than a mother to my own child which caused me so much stress and has left me shaken.

so my question is, why are so many mother in law’s or grandparents on the paternal side like this? Why do they want control over their grandchild and not simply let the mother get on with it and have her own rules and respect that?! i know not ALL are like this but from my own experience and others I’ve read about online they are so controlling and I just don’t understand why?! The behaviour of some of them is so upsetting and distressing to the mothers.

Omg! Having to leave them with you?!?!' WTAF!? Why on earth didn't you go NC that's creepy as fuck

Omg. Omfg that's evil. Please please stop all contact with her. For your DC's sake and for yours 💔

Please tell me your DH said that to her?! That you matter too!

You think it's common because it's only those with issues who write to MN . Most of us have a perfectly normal relationship with our DILs.

I've got a great relationship with DIL, SIL, and all the (now adult) grandchildren..😗

Always have had.

There are nutty people about, of all ages - but they are the minority. The majority jog on with life in happy, emotionally healthy families.👍👍

I dont know, but it's so true. My MIL took my daughter upstairs a couple of weeks ago when we were visiting. Changed what she was wearing to a dress (she didn't need changing, clothes were all clean, warm and comfortable). Came down and said "I wanted to see her wearing a dress instead of the leggings you always put her in". Get a flipping doll then you crazy woman!

My PIL were farmers and definitely classed me as breeding stock. Tried to make me move into their farm so the baby was born in their home 😱and we’re vile about breastfeeding because apparently it was me being selfish about being the only person who could feed the baby. Absolutely wonderful never to have contact now and about to be a grandma myself to my daughter. Who is already worried about the input from her in laws…..

Yes it can work the other way but we only hear one side of a story, who knows if the reality is what we are told?

But I have seen enough stories on here, if true!!!! Make me think inlaws are only useful if they serve a purpose ie childcare

But yes again we only hear one side

Sometimes I think comments are just badly judged as opposed to malicious from MILs.

Mine asked me the other day if I was enjoying putting my feet up on mat leave while my toddler is at nursery. 2.5 week old newborn not exactly relaxing!

I absolutely adore my hopefully future DIL.

Both DS and her have talked openly about marrying and wanting children, I had DS at 34 and her poor Mum had a lot of losses and had started trying at about 28 but didn’t have her till she was 35. They are both currently doing their degrees, he has a clear vocational career path she will have a degree in a science subject so choices to be made regarding her actual career.

I have told her I can’t think of anyone better for DS to settle down with and as long as she doesn’t mind me buying teddy bear romper suits with ears for any future toddlers when I babysit I will always kowtow to her rules.

Personality wise she is very much like my DH and they get on very well, he helped her with her maths A level homework a few times.

MN is where you ask for advice… so will be weighed with problem mil. My mil was a fabulous gp, sit on floor with kids playing. Give them sneaky £1 or two . My mum is a bit more distanced in location and just never knew what to do with them, but then she never really played with me as a child. Just Different tbh but both love them. My mil did tell me I should sleep on my stomach post birth to get rid of my tummy.. I laughed at her

Thankfully my SIL had a baby a few months before me and MIL has always been much more interested in her child than ours.
It's a shame for my DC as MIL is pretty blatant with the favouritism but I'm aware of it and will ensure that my kids never realise, even if that means they don't see her much as they get older.

What always gets me is why mothers stand for it from the MILs.
If someone is rude to you, leave, tell them to leave and don't have anything more to do with them. She can see the DC with her own son, once they are old enough, at her house.

Why was your MIL even at your house if you had split with your partner?

Hello @maryberryslayers, yes I was very wrong to let my partners mother into my life when pregnant. My pregnancy was accidental and I hadn’t even met her prior to my pregnancy, however she was very determined to get into my life, I had no idea she had ulterior motives and that she was desperate to be a grandmother. She was seemingly nice to my when pregnant, although I thought it was a bit OTT that this woman I’d only just met was suddenly texting me every day asking me about my pregnancy, I am far too soft and kind to people and don’t like to offend people, so unfortunately I allowed this behaviour (massive mistake I know). She asked to visit often and I felt bad if I didn’t let her… and it was after I gave birth her behaviour got completely domineering and out of hand. and when she reduced me to tears in my home, claimed that I was mentally unwell because I wanted my child back when she was holding her, and that my behaviour was “bizarre” for having boundaries and not wanting her do whatever she pleases (she claimed it was her right to do as she pleases with my child “because I’m her grandmother”), I made it clear that she would never see me again. If it was up to me, she would never see my baby again, however Ex partner makes sure she gets to see baby whenever he is with her, and he doesn’t understand why I was so upset about how she behaved towards me after I gave birth.

sorry for long post, maybe I’m being unreasonable but I guess it’s one of those things you only know how you feel if it happens to you.

I’m so sorry this happened to you, how awful!

Not similar, but I remember when my baby was younger she was in hospital for a few days after her breathing went funny - it was a terrible time for me and as you could imagine, I was in tears and thinking the worst. When said grandmother came to visit in hospital, she offered no support or sympathy for me, no kind hand on my shoulder or hug. She came in the hospital, picked up my baby and held/rocked her, said nothing to me, other then “I’m leaving now” once she had held her. I really needed some emotional support myself, at that point my baby was fine and just being observed, but I was still worried sick after sleepless nights and all I’d gone through, I just can’t believe how coldly she acted towards me, it was very strange…

I cut my MIL out many years ago for being so interfering.

Now I'm the MIL and I feel like I've got a great relationship with her. She's wonderful and a great match for my son.

I do have to stop myself from saying 'when DS was little...' too much, which feels natural to do in a conversation.

It's also hard to remember to call yourself nanny and not mum. It's like a change of name after 30 years.

Because women who make boys are evil monsters?

You are making a generalisation based on your own experience that is simply untrue. So for that reason YABU.

I think we may be getting a skewed view of this, because the women with MILs who aren’t batshit and controlling, and ‘treating their DILs like walking wombs’ are unlikely to post about their good experiences with their MILs - so it looks as if all MILs are like this when actually there are plenty of good ones too.

My MIL was amazing - a wonderful woman, a supportive and helpful MIL and a great grandmother - she is sorely missed. When I became a MIL and a grandmother last year, I modelled myself on my MIL, and I have a good relationship with my DIL.

I understand the excitement of becoming a grandmother - I felt every bit of it - but it is not difficult to temper that and put the needs of the DIL and grandchild first.

Thankfully both my former MIL and my now partner’s mother live safely overseas.

FWIW I don’t know if it’s a MiL per se is it? Isn’t it more just a certain type of older woman who has only ever achieved fulfilment through children and when hers have flown the nest transfers it to the next generation?

I think these are mainly women who haven’t worked etc and are hugely over-invested in child-rearing and when their own children grow up they need to find new victims.

A mother could be just as much like this as a MIL.

People with bad MILs are far, far more likely to post their horror stories than the ones with lovely MILs are to post paeans of praise. Hence the skewed view - I wasn’t sure I said that clearly.

My mother in law is lovely. And my sister in law is quite desperate for my mum to fail the test at every turn. It’s sad. There is a lot of generalising on MN.

Whilst I was heavily pregnant with 'her first grandchild' ( don't worry about it being MY pfb) she introduced a friend to me as 'oh and here is my first grandchild' and pointed to my huge belly. Literally didn't even say my name.
Silly cow

Chimps and gorillas also can do this: female relatives can get over involved and possessive with a new baby to the point of distressing the mother, even to the point of fighting not to give it back. In some cases one will hang on to the baby until it starves to death if the mother doesn't manage to get it away from them. Seems to be a primate thing sometimes that evolution hasn't quite left behind in humans.

why are so many mother in law’s or grandparents on the paternal side like this

They're not. Because the women who have a good relationship with their MIL or who have nothing to complain about do not start threads on MN.

I think some women feel redundant. And take it out on daughters in law. Some people might resent their DIL's. They probably don't consciously think it.

Quite.

"Why are DiLs such power-crazed lunatics who clearly loathe older women other than their own mothers?"

They're not, it just seems like they all are once you've been on Mumsnet for 10 mins