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Original poster

To think this is off....( friends boyfriend texting her friends)

70 replies

Rainbowsundae · 05/03/2023 21:26

I am in a group of female friends , probably about 7/8 of us meet up every few weeks. Age 25-30.

One of the girls, Sophie* , has been going out with her boyfriend for two years, ( both aged 26).

They are saving up for a mortgage deposit, ( both currently live with their families), but are now at the stage where they have enough saved and are hoping to be moved into their own house in the next few months, ( discussing things with mortgage brokers/ estate agents etc).

Sophie has often brought her boyfriend along to soical events with the group, ( pub nights , meals out, BBQs etc). Some of the girls occasionally bring their own partners along , but Sophie's boyfriend, Adam , has always* been invited; so is more known to the group than other girls partners.

I've just found out that for the past 8 months or so , Adam has been messaging two single girls in the group , ( Mia and Louise), on a daily basis. Long chats, ( via message) , with both each day . None of this has been explicit or sexual, but has gone into his grief over his dad's death, ( his dad died unexpectedly of a heart attack a few years ago) , the difficulties he has in supporting his mum through this bereavement, his difficulties at work and how his job often makes him depressed and details of difficulties/ arguements in his relationship with Sophie. He also makes a particular point of repeatedly telling Louise that other mutual male aquantances fancy her, and she is very "crushable."

Crucially, he's asked Mia and Louise not to tell Sophie about these daily conversations, as she might misunderstand and get jealous. It's also become clear that he has frequently texted Mia and Louise whilst staying with Sophie at her family home .

Am I being unreasonable in thinking you don't have daily messages with two of your girlfriend's friends for 8 months and keep it secret ?

Mia and Louise are now saying they feel uncomfortable and have tried to hint to Adam to stop , but don't feel individually close enough to Sophie to tell her. They also point out there is no cheating / sexting involved.

Aibu to think Adam is being an arsehole?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 05/03/2023 21:30

Why don’t they just TELL him to stop? They’re not obligated to text him.

I don’t really understand why they’d enter into it at all in the first place.

Original poster
Rainbowsundae · 05/03/2023 21:32

Merryoldgoat · 05/03/2023 21:30

Why don’t they just TELL him to stop? They’re not obligated to text him.

I don’t really understand why they’d enter into it at all in the first place.

I think it started with "he just sounded down" "bit surprised he messaged" and then it morphed into daily conversations

OP posts:
Mangogogogo · 05/03/2023 21:32

Who needs enemies with friends like that 😬

Merryoldgoat · 05/03/2023 21:34

I don’t buy it. Sorry. They liked the attention and were flattered and now it’s out of hand. Otherwise they’d have stopped it ages ago.

They need to tell your friend and let her decide what to do.

FarmGirl78 · 05/03/2023 21:35

He's being unreasonable with what he's doing.

Your mutual friends are unreasonable for not TELLING him to stop, or to not just stop texting him back.

Someone needs to say either he stops, or they tell her.

Zippidydoda · 05/03/2023 21:35

Yea that’s not ok. Biggest red flag is asking them not to tell his GF. BUT- why did the friends agree?? Sound like shitty friends to me. I am happy to chat message with severs if my friends partners, but if they ever contacted me that frequently or spoke about me being crushable I end that!! Why are they replying to him daily too.

poor girl has a Shiite BF and a couple of shitty friends.

Original poster
Rainbowsundae · 05/03/2023 21:37

They keep going back to the argument they're not actually sexting so technically not cheating.

OP posts:
Rupiduti · 05/03/2023 21:38

Wow, what an awful boyfriend AND friends she has. I hope you do tell her so she can move on and find kinder friends. I would never dream of messaging my friend's boyfriend daily.

Robyn847 · 05/03/2023 21:38

If this goes on much any longer it's not just about his motives, it's that you all knew and also kept this secret from her. She'll feel like a fool and that you all know and didn't enough of her to do anything.

Knobhead isn't going to sort it, so one of you need to.

Original poster
Rainbowsundae · 05/03/2023 21:43

Robyn847 · 05/03/2023 21:38

If this goes on much any longer it's not just about his motives, it's that you all knew and also kept this secret from her. She'll feel like a fool and that you all know and didn't enough of her to do anything.

Knobhead isn't going to sort it, so one of you need to.

I do worry about that ...

OP posts:
Pseudonamed · 05/03/2023 21:43

Why are his girlfriends alleged friends talking to him to being with? They are all in the wrong. Boundaries ffs.

OnaBegonia · 05/03/2023 21:49

They keep going back to the argument they're not actually sexting so technically not cheating.
Why are they trying to justify their behaviour? just don't reply to him.

Singularity82 · 05/03/2023 21:51

They’re all arseholes. The partner and the friends. They all know EXACTLY what they’re doing. I hope she fucks the lot of them off.

ootb · 05/03/2023 21:53

If you sort it I think you might need to be prepared to lose your friend group. Which doesn't sound that bad as they don't sound like great friends but just be prepared for potential fallout. How do all of you know each other, do you meet every few weeks just for social reasons or other reasons? It's unusual for not just 1 but 2 friends in such a close knit group to encourage private daily chats with their friend's bf

GooglyEyeballs · 05/03/2023 21:54

Now that you know OP you kind of have to tell her otherwise you're in on it 😖feel so bad for *Sophie. Crappy friends and crappy boyfriend :(

FarmGirl78 · 05/03/2023 21:55

If they don't see an issue with it because they're "not sexting" then I'm sure they won't have any issue in discussing it with her then will they?

CarpetSlipper · 05/03/2023 21:58

Shit boyfriend and shit friends.

Pinkjellies · 05/03/2023 21:59

I lost a friend for being you in the exact same scenario because I knew about it and didn't say anything I was complicit too. I'd advise telling Sophie as soon as possible.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 05/03/2023 22:00

Why do they keep replying 2 him? I would tell her, if it is all so innocent why are they all keeping secrets?

Pheefifofuckthisshit · 05/03/2023 22:03

She needs to know about this shit show before she's tied to a mortgages property with him.

Please tell her as soon as you can.

MoreSleepPleasee · 05/03/2023 22:13

Oh he is flying those red flags good and proper isn't he.

angrygoat2 · 05/03/2023 22:41

Ugh, that is definitely way too frequent and inappropriate - and that's before I got to the part about asking not to tell her!

I very occasionally text with DP's best friend, e.g. if I see an article that reminds me of a conversation we had, or if I hear something interesting from a colleague (we are in the same broader industry). I don't always tell DP about every single exchange, but only because it's so trivial - I'd happily hand over my phone right now and let DP see everything.

Just pointing this out as Adam will likely try to argue that it's 'normal' to speak to friends of your SO, which it is, but not in the way he's doing it.

I think someone definitely needs to say something, although I appreciate that it's tricky. How confrontational was the conversation that you had with Mia and Louise? Was it an "I think you're doing a bad thing, you need to tell her immediately" type conversation, or more, "oh how awkward"? If it's the former, then it sounds like they won't fess up and you might need to say something yourself. But if the latter, you could go back to them and say, "hey, I thought about it and you should really say something - it's not fair on Sophie if we all keep quiet."

Cherrysoup · 05/03/2023 23:10

Shit friends. Does she know? If not, I'd tell her.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/03/2023 23:13

You need to tell her. Quickly

Your group will probably not be the same again. But then again it wont be the same if you don't, you'll feel awkward around her and then when it all comes out she will realise everyone knew and cut you out anyway

JudgeRudy · 05/03/2023 23:29

Mangogogogo · 05/03/2023 21:32

Who needs enemies with friends like that 😬

@Mangogogogo
I think it's a bit unfair to call them enemies. Sounds like they're actually more friends with him than Sophie but it's strange that he's asked them not to tell her they text.
Now this has gone on for a while and they've gotten closer they clearly feel a bit uncomfortable that it's still a secret. I wouldn't say that makes them enemies.