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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is off....( friends boyfriend texting her friends)

70 replies

Rainbowsundae · 05/03/2023 21:26

I am in a group of female friends , probably about 7/8 of us meet up every few weeks. Age 25-30.

One of the girls, Sophie* , has been going out with her boyfriend for two years, ( both aged 26).

They are saving up for a mortgage deposit, ( both currently live with their families), but are now at the stage where they have enough saved and are hoping to be moved into their own house in the next few months, ( discussing things with mortgage brokers/ estate agents etc).

Sophie has often brought her boyfriend along to soical events with the group, ( pub nights , meals out, BBQs etc). Some of the girls occasionally bring their own partners along , but Sophie's boyfriend, Adam , has always* been invited; so is more known to the group than other girls partners.

I've just found out that for the past 8 months or so , Adam has been messaging two single girls in the group , ( Mia and Louise), on a daily basis. Long chats, ( via message) , with both each day . None of this has been explicit or sexual, but has gone into his grief over his dad's death, ( his dad died unexpectedly of a heart attack a few years ago) , the difficulties he has in supporting his mum through this bereavement, his difficulties at work and how his job often makes him depressed and details of difficulties/ arguements in his relationship with Sophie. He also makes a particular point of repeatedly telling Louise that other mutual male aquantances fancy her, and she is very "crushable."

Crucially, he's asked Mia and Louise not to tell Sophie about these daily conversations, as she might misunderstand and get jealous. It's also become clear that he has frequently texted Mia and Louise whilst staying with Sophie at her family home .

Am I being unreasonable in thinking you don't have daily messages with two of your girlfriend's friends for 8 months and keep it secret ?

Mia and Louise are now saying they feel uncomfortable and have tried to hint to Adam to stop , but don't feel individually close enough to Sophie to tell her. They also point out there is no cheating / sexting involved.

Aibu to think Adam is being an arsehole?

OP posts:

MajorCarolDanvers · 06/03/2023 07:52

Men and women can be friends but it's a problem when it's a secret.

icelollycraving · 06/03/2023 07:53

Tell her before she’s saddled with a mortgage with him. You will be complicit if keeping quiet.

HeadNorth · 06/03/2023 07:57

Her so called 'friends' are lapping up the attention - otherwise they would have shut this down ages ago. He is vile and they are a pair of snakes. Poor Sophie.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 06/03/2023 07:58

It’s emotionally cheating. He’s putting thoughts and energy elsewhere and telling her friends things he should be talking to Sophie about. He’s a dick. Especially with the “crushable” comment 🚩
her friends are not great and one of you needs to tell her so that she can make an informed decision about whether to continue down this line and financially tie herself to him. I wouldn’t…

NC1234561 · 06/03/2023 07:59

Why haven't you told her yet? If she's your friend you don't wait. Poor girl has a shit boyfriend and friends, she needs you all out of her life 😳

Almahart · 06/03/2023 08:02

These people are all horrible.

It's not fair that it falls to you, but this poor woman cannot buy a house with this wanker. I'm afraid you do need to let her know.

WineCap · 06/03/2023 08:08

I think people have been unfair to the friends. They didn't initiate the conversations and want them to stop. They are also in a very awkward position as they both see Adam at social occasions so it must be difficult to say fuck off (even if it is politely). It must also be especially difficult when Adam is talking about emotional topics, it makes it feel heartless.

If I were them I would just tell Sophie and be done with it. They should have told her when he said to keep the conversations quiet.

Lndnmummy · 06/03/2023 08:12

You need to tell Sophie this is going on. She will feel so betrayed once this comes out.

HeadNorth · 06/03/2023 08:20

WineCap · 06/03/2023 08:08

If I were them I would just tell Sophie and be done with it. They should have told her when he said to keep the conversations quiet.

No, when they agreed to keep the conversations secret they crossed the line. They are snakes, enjoying having this secret over Sophie.

Fantina · 06/03/2023 08:21

My abusive ex used to do this - he’d find reasons to message my friends all female ones of course. Whether it was to talk football with the football fan or politics whatever. It probably went on on and off for the whole of our relationship with varying friends.

One of the reasons I believe he did it was to discredit me when I eventually confided little bits about his behaviour to them. When I finally left him for good he rang around them all and I had some of them telling me why I was wrong and he wasn’t as bad as I was saying.

He needs to get his own friends.

WineCap · 06/03/2023 08:25

@HeadNorth It clearly says in the OP that they aren't individually that close to her, so I can see why it is difficult. I don't disagree that they still should have told her though.

knittingaddict · 06/03/2023 08:27

Merryoldgoat · 05/03/2023 21:34

I don’t buy it. Sorry. They liked the attention and were flattered and now it’s out of hand. Otherwise they’d have stopped it ages ago.

They need to tell your friend and let her decide what to do.

This.

Or they are so "kind" that sensible boundaries are non-existent to them. It's obvious what they should do - block the creep and tell Sophie.

Rosula · 06/03/2023 08:30

Rainbowsundae · 05/03/2023 21:37

They keep going back to the argument they're not actually sexting so technically not cheating.

So if they think it's all fine, why don't they just tell Sophie?

parlourb · 06/03/2023 10:34

So two of the poor woman’s friends are texting her boyfriend another friend knows about it and now there’s a mumsnet thread about it. Think someone needs to let her in on what’s going on tbh.

Flamingogirl08 · 06/03/2023 10:53

Poor girl, shitty boyfriend and even shittier friends. Why have they even entertained this?

Mumoftwogirls23 · 06/03/2023 10:56

It might be physically cheating or explicit chat. But it sounds like an emotional affair. Which to me is worse. He’s discussing serious private matters and asking them to keep it a secret. That’s out of order. Tell your friend.

Frankola · 06/03/2023 10:56

Something is going to need to be said to Sophie very soon. This situation has now reached the point where a number of you know and have spoken about it, so when Sophie finds out, she's not only going to be annoyed at Mia and Louise, but also those that knew and didn't make her aware. It's a group betrayal.

I have experience of this happening in a friendship group. One husband in particular would constantly message his wife's friends. This was all "friendly", but occasionally he would send messages that were flirty or sexual in nature. Think memes saying "you're hot" blah blah. This not only pissed off the women in the group but also the husbands who found out.

It later came to light that said man had slept with one of his wife's best friends. It had started as messages and escalated.

It's clear your friends husband is a douche. But your friends are also being selfish and inappropriate. They're encouraging this because it's attention and makes them feel good.

I think you should pull Sophie to the side and tell her privately.

Schnooze · 06/03/2023 11:00

Is he actually invited along and wanted, or is he one if these controlling men that insist on accompanying their gf to girls get togethers when most people don’t actually want him there?

Nugg · 06/03/2023 11:04

What a knob and what awful friends. I recently had an acquaintance's husband request to add me as a Facebook friend and when I messaged him to query this he admitted they we're still together but not a good marriage blah blah bullshit. I am CLEARLY single on Facebook and it's generally known. I told him clearly to focus his spare time on sorting his marriage issues. And I'm not even his wife's friend!
Girl code!

whistlingkettles · 06/03/2023 11:05

Mia and Louise are grownups and need to tell Sophie's boyfriend to stop messaging them.

I once had a friend's boyfriend start messaging me and at first it just seemed like friendly chit chat but when he popped up again the following day, I shut it down. Conversation only works if both parties engage.

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