To think this is off....( friends boyfriend texting her friends)

[Rainbowsundae]

I am in a group of female friends , probably about 7/8 of us meet up every few weeks. Age 25-30.

One of the girls, Sophie* , has been going out with her boyfriend for two years, ( both aged 26).

They are saving up for a mortgage deposit, ( both currently live with their families), but are now at the stage where they have enough saved and are hoping to be moved into their own house in the next few months, ( discussing things with mortgage brokers/ estate agents etc).

Sophie has often brought her boyfriend along to soical events with the group, ( pub nights , meals out, BBQs etc). Some of the girls occasionally bring their own partners along , but Sophie's boyfriend, Adam , has always* been invited; so is more known to the group than other girls partners.

I've just found out that for the past 8 months or so , Adam has been messaging two single girls in the group , ( Mia and Louise), on a daily basis. Long chats, ( via message) , with both each day . None of this has been explicit or sexual, but has gone into his grief over his dad's death, ( his dad died unexpectedly of a heart attack a few years ago) , the difficulties he has in supporting his mum through this bereavement, his difficulties at work and how his job often makes him depressed and details of difficulties/ arguements in his relationship with Sophie. He also makes a particular point of repeatedly telling Louise that other mutual male aquantances fancy her, and she is very "crushable."

Crucially, he's asked Mia and Louise not to tell Sophie about these daily conversations, as she might misunderstand and get jealous. It's also become clear that he has frequently texted Mia and Louise whilst staying with Sophie at her family home .

Am I being unreasonable in thinking you don't have daily messages with two of your girlfriend's friends for 8 months and keep it secret ?

Mia and Louise are now saying they feel uncomfortable and have tried to hint to Adam to stop , but don't feel individually close enough to Sophie to tell her. They also point out there is no cheating / sexting involved.

Aibu to think Adam is being an arsehole?

You need to get away from this group. If those two do this to Sophie they will do it to you. Tell Sophie what has happened, offer support and tell the others to go away.

Yes, Adam is an arsehole, and Sophie's real friends need to protect her from committing to buy a house/get financially entangled with his shit. She also needs to know that Mia and Louise go behind her back.

Just tell her.

It's not if it's all friendly and above board, but as mumsnet has shown, some people do get jealous even if it's just basic conversational topics

This.

They are all three out of order because it’s secret and also they are discussing Sophie’s private information. Two big huge red flags .

They have both kept it up for 8 mo the. They are just as complicit. Bollocks they don't know how to stop it- No is a complete sentence. They aren't her friends and he's not much of a partner.

They are pretty shitty friends.

So then what's the difference if it's the female friends discussing the male partner?

The women aren't cheating, but they are being deceitful to their friend, going behind her back. Obviously the bf is the one most at fault, but the 2 women are colluding with him.

You have found out, so you should tell her immediately.

You can say that Mia and Louise found it awkward and confided in you if they did, that's fair, and that they didn't feel close enough to approach her without it feeling awkward, she can take that how she takes it. Personally I would totally understand how someone can feel "not close enough" to get into this with Sophie - honestly that slight distance/potential for being timid is probably why he has chosen them for his sob stories and antics.

..but you should tell her ASAP. If a line has to be drawn across the group because of all this, don't get drawn onto the "didn't tell" side of the line.

They are not Sophie’s friends

Sophie needs to know. Now -before she purchases a home with him.

Please tell your poor friend before she ends up stuck with him. If she finds out now then it gives her a chance to get out, otherwise, down the line if she finds out she may feel she can't get out due to cost/kids etc. We see it here all the time with people not leaving abusive/cheating partners because of the hassle/disruption it would cause them. Do her a favour and give her that option now. Tip her off anonymously if you think she'd shoot the messenger.

The boyfriend needs dumping and she should get rid of Mia and Louise, too. What a pair of crap friends letting their friend's boyfriend moan about her to them. All three of them are awful.
8 months? Her friends have totally encouraged the situation by not shutting it down and telling Sophie.

They've been posting for 8 months on a daily basis having long chats...about his personal business with Sophie behind her back.
That's horrible behaviour and not above board.

Figure out a way to warn your friend about Adam.

He's clearing using her to feather his nest financially getting on the property ladder. He thinks he can do better hence the lengthy conversations with the others especially the one he fancies.

He's used one of the oldest tricks in the book to get next to them. Sad puppy eye man trick.

Also no proposal in 2 years, your friend is being used.

Those 2 friends aren't friends as they're cleanly enjoying the attention or they would have shut him down ages ago.

Christ.

It's entirely possible for men to have platonic friendships with women and no dodgy stuff going on in the background.

For all you know, this lad might find it really difficult to talk about stuff with his partner, or maybe she finds it overwhelming, or maybe he feels insecure being open about his feelings, or maybe maybe MAYBE..

..there might be any number of completely innocent reasons why. Can we please stop automatically thinking than men talking to other woman means something untoward is going on?

Jesus these girls are not her friends. I would be horrified if I found out my close friends where doing this with my boyfriend.

YANBU.

I'm always terrified of being rude/offending people so I would definitely have replied to "Adam's" messages at first - but it really wouldn't take me long at all to put a stop to it when it became clear what he was doing! So your friends aren't behaving well either imo

there might be any number of completely innocent reasons why. Can we please stop automatically thinking than men talking to other woman means something untoward is going on?

It's untoward if you're talking to your girlfriend's friends about your girlfriend in a critical way and telling the friends not to tell your girlfriend. There's nothing innocent about that.

How would you feel if your spouse was speaking to your best friend every day without your knowledge, confiding in them all about the problems they were having with you and telling them not to tell you? Would you think that was OK?

Fuck me! These are not friends!!

I wonder why they suddenly feel uncomfortable! Oh would it be the fact that they have just found out they are not special after all and the wanky boyfriend has been texting them both!

Walk away from this friendship group OP, this is a toxic group of friends. Nothing good will come out of this!

Talking about Sophie to her friends and all the secrecy is very poor behaviour from all concerned.
The girls need to work out who their friends are in this situation and stop being deceitful. It's shady even if not actually unfaithful.
Adam has very poor boundaries.
They all need to cool this and cut out the daily texting.

No, they are not sexting, but why does that matter? Does betrayal always have to include explicit sex? What about the lead up?

I was in this situation once. A friends husband started messaging me about his health. It went on for a couple of weeks and made me feel uncomfortable as he started telling me things he hadn't told his wife. I stopped replying and told her he was messaging me. She was fine with it but clearly had a word with him as the messages stopped. Your friends should have shut him down at the beginning.

Not good all around but ultimately what needs to happen is the two ladies need to tell him to stop, that will be the acid test - if he does then it's probably exactly what it was, if he doesn't then it's time to tell his girlfriend.

The two friends in question, if they cared about Sophie they'd be more than willing to do this and appreciate she has to know before buying a house with this guy. If not... I wouldn't consider them friends, and likely the same for you if you don't at least encourage them to do this/tell Sophie yourself.

It's not cheating, of course.

As he's always been invited to your nights out, does he have own mates? I wonder if he was just offloading. Many of us have friends we talk daily with.

Only 2 things making it really wrong are the talking about Sophie and the lying and asking them not to say anything. Frankly, wrong from him and them so after this comes out, I wouldn't expect her around anymore