Please tell me about your teenage girls who've come through the other side

[JMSA]

I'm a single mother of 3 girls, two of whom are in their teens. I can honestly say that I have never found parenthood so hard. I love them so much, help them, am here for them always. But I feel slightly broken. Today I discovered that my 13 year old has dabbled in self-harming and has shoplifted. My 16 year old has anxiety, which we are working through.
At the moment I can't really see the light at the end of the tunnel. They're great girls, really they are, but adolescence (mixed with menopause and working full-time in a challenging job!) is testing me to my limit.
If your teenage daughters breezed through it and gave you little cause for concern, I am genuinely pleased for you But I'd love to hear from those who had the usual challenges, and everything worked out in the end.
Just for a little while, I'd like to feel better.
Thanks

It can't only be me, surely?

It's hard not to feel like it's your fault, when your children aren't living their 'best lives'.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.
I found the best way was to occasionally have a lunch out with my daughter and still do from time to time. Over lunch I would find out more about where her head was/is than anything we ever discussed at home.
It was as if all inhibitions fell away and she would open up. Worth every penny of every lunch we’ve ever had away from home, just us two.

No teenagers, but went through it all myself. My mum was a Saint despite all the challenges. I have siblings so we all went through a lot but all are well adjusted adults now who appreciate our mother more than anything for everything she did/does. You're doing great, and they will be okay :)

Well...I know me!

I was a complete dick but became a normal human being.

What happened with their father?

Whatever it was is probably the key to a lot of their challenging behaviours....it will have led them to create certain deep-seated views about who they are or how the world works, and the defence mechanisms they have for feeling this way is what you're seeing.

I'm not your target audience for this post (my children are primary aged boys) but I was one of those teenage girls who had difficulties. It was a huge shock to my mum, as I had been such an easy young child. But starting from about 14, I was self harming and was bullied a lot.

My mum and I had our ups and downs then but ever since I was about 18 we've been very close, I adore her. She helps me with childcare, I help her with her life admin. (I realise it's not quite a fair swap!) I do still suffer from bouts of depression though and probably always will (35 now).

My advice would be to communicate and check in but not be over bearing, and involve them in any decisions that affect them. Make sure they have some autonomy in their own lives. My parents refused to let me seek medical help other than counselling, and I resented them hugely for it for a long time.

Love them whatever they do. Do your utmost to keep them safe. Talk and listen. Look for the good in them.
We had some fairly extreme moments with underage drinking, a couple of memorable occasions when i had to drive round town looking for one of mine and a couple of very unsuitable boyfriends.
Think long term and keep your relationships as strong as you can. My girls are late 20s now and fabulous, capable and loving individuals. They're both apologised for the trouble they caused, bless them, and I've apologised for the times when i was a less than perfect parent.
Huge love and solidarity to you you, from a mum who's been through it and is out the other side xx

The issues you’ve described are not the “usual challenges”, they are risky and dangerous behaviour (not that I have to point that out).

Thinking that the usual parenting techniques or that they’ll “outgrow” poor mental health isn’t necessarily a great path to go down.

I’d very much recommend speaking with your gp and sourcing parenting advice for kids with mental ill-health.

I can't help... but I can join the misery. Dd13 is truly a nightmare currently. (Too much screen demands, very little homework etc. We haven't got to the self harming though thank god that must be tough) Hoping she'll grow out of it before we get to 16 though... as then the boy will be a teenager too? Are boys as bad??

Thanks everyone - great to hear from you!

They see their father regularly. He cheated on me and has been living with his partner (the 'other woman') for years now. He is a very high achiever and puts high expectations onto our girls. He's quite an angry man and my daughter has begged me in tears not to tell him about the shoplifting. If I thought he'd help and support in a constructive way, I would want to share. But I'm not sure what it would achieve. They love him and he loves them, but they never know how they're going to find him, moods wise, from one day to the next. He tends to shout and threaten (phone ban or pocket money stoppage etc, never anything physical) and then calm down, be nicey nicey, and not see the consequence through. He has them every other weekend, and it's me who carries the mental load and deals with the nitty gritty of their lives.

Ps for some of the time I was seeing a psychotherapist who was massively supportive, and gave me the tools to handle it. Later on they both had some therapy paid for by me, because i found it so useful, and felt they deserved it too.

I'm interested to hear from folk too, my DD is 16 and anxious and overwhelmed all the time. All since lockdowns. Before that they were slightly over confident.
It's horrible and I've no idea what to do, everything I say is wrong, they've no interest in anything.

Point very much taken, thank you Pinky. My head isn't in the sand and it is being dealt with, but yes, I possibly did make our issues sound a bit trivial.

@JMSA my ex (their dad) sounds similar and i think a lot of my girls' issues were due to that.

Can I jump on your thread, I have no advice but I have a nearly 15 DD who I worry about. She’s a lovely girl, has a small handful of friends, but she doesn’t really socialise, doesn’t want to do anything, gave up dancing, and is happy sat in her room☹️thinks the world revolves around her and can be darn right rude at times and lovely occasionally, I’m hoping this is light at the end of the tunnel. I can also sympathise with the menopause and working full time. I can only offer solidarity.

Brief NC, although some people on some threads know the story! My DD (now 18) got more and more anxious during lockdown, and found return-to-school difficult, coupled with friendship problems. Three things came together; school allowed her to resume working from home in the last half of Y13, we found her a (private) therapist, and she started on sertraline.

Now she's at her dream course at her dream university, with a great bunch of friends, showing great "adulting" skills and happier than ever before.

Thank you all. It's great that there's people out there who can relate. I wish I could wave a magic wand over us all.
I can't stress the importance enough of getting school involved. Since contacting them, my daughter (16) has someone she can check in with daily, and she really likes him too, which helps! She has also been given a time-out card, to give her a few minutes out of class if she needs it, without needing to ask the teacher.
She had counselling once before but didn't find it overly helpful. We've been to the GP and are on the waiting list for CAHMS, but that would take years to come to fruition. Thankfully we can afford it, so I am going to seek help privately, through a practice of psychologists and psychiatrists. I was thinking that someone medically trained might have a deeper understanding of what is going on for her right now.
I have always drummed into my girls the need to talk to me (or anyone trusted), to communicate, and not bottle things up. Maybe it wasn't enough, as I've evidently taken my eye off the ball.

That's brilliant, hurrah!
I wouldn't have necessarily ruled out meds, but the GP said she is too young.

Yes, to be fair she started on the meds after her A-levels as she didn't want any side effects muddling her, and she was 18 by then.

Please speak to your girls' school for advice and signposting of support. There are a lot of external services that can help.

Tell her she's wonderful/ praise all the things she's good at and and ignore as much of the rest as you safely can!

I was an awful teen, but, catch 22, most of my interactions at home were negative ones or the silent treatment because I was in trouble. I was bullied at school but afraid to tell my parents, desperate for someone to say I was good enough. All that just made me very susceptible to attention from the wrong people.

Her dad's behaviour and attitude will have so much bearing on how she interacts with men over the coming years. Feeling abandoned, inconsistent rules and affection from a parent is hard to deal with, especially for a teenager.

All you can do is try to mitigate the damage he causes. Build her up as much as you can, tell her she deserves to be treated well, that she's strong and that she can set boundaries and say no.

You are doing enough and sound like a wonderful mother op.
The lockdowns have been disastrous for teenagers, we know so many that are self harming, suicidal, ED the lot. We have lost teens in the pandemic. Most are left with various forms of anxiety and issues. You are most definitely not alone.

My dd has GAD, she was fine before the lockdowns. I am so angry that our children have been put through this.

Keep doing what you are doing. Listening, loving them and being unconditionally supportive. No need for her father to know op, just ask her never to do it again. It’s all part of growing up - one day they will burst into adulthood and it will be behind them.

Personally your dh needs to back off, and cut the pressure. This really won’t be helping, and will make their mh problems even worse. It’s the last thing they need. Be firm. No more pressure, no more punishments and stop being aggressive. He really can’t continue with that behaviour op, he sounds like a bully.

Solidarity to you op - my nearly 16 year old is challenging - her dad is too heavy handed, he is remarried and doesn't communicate well with me - he thinks I'm a lacking parent, but I know where she is and who she is with - she's lies through her teeth to him

My DD had dreadful.MH problems for years, including several attempts to take her own life, which culminated in a voluntary 3 month hospital stay when she was 17. It was utterly awful. Her dad left when she was a young teen, and although that meant she was living in a much calmer environment, its my belief that the damage had been done.

HOWEVER, 3.5 years later, she's pretty much out the other side. She has a decent job, friends, plans for the future, she is saving up to buy a house... so basically they can come out the other side of the very darkest events.

My DD was a nightmare at 14/15 and very similar to your dd @IwishIwasSupermum down to the giving up dancing. Started to become self harming and aggressive to me. We also could just afford private therapy and she was diagnosed with anxiety and OCD. She had 8 months of weekly therapy ( £££) and managed to smash her GCSEs afterwards. She’s 20 now and at uni and she’s much more self aware of what her triggers are. I wouldn’t say she was ‘cured’ - not sure you ever are with mental health but she’s soo much better. She’s developed into a lovely young woman so there is light at the end of the tunnel. Really feel for others FOH g through this right now, it’s hell!

Sympathies. My girls don't really have an authentic relationship with their dad either.