Please tell me about your teenage girls who've come through the other side

[JMSA]

I'm a single mother of 3 girls, two of whom are in their teens. I can honestly say that I have never found parenthood so hard. I love them so much, help them, am here for them always. But I feel slightly broken. Today I discovered that my 13 year old has dabbled in self-harming and has shoplifted. My 16 year old has anxiety, which we are working through.
At the moment I can't really see the light at the end of the tunnel. They're great girls, really they are, but adolescence (mixed with menopause and working full-time in a challenging job!) is testing me to my limit.
If your teenage daughters breezed through it and gave you little cause for concern, I am genuinely pleased for you But I'd love to hear from those who had the usual challenges, and everything worked out in the end.
Just for a little while, I'd like to feel better.
Thanks

Also can I add I'm so enjoying reading everyone's stories and wisdom. This is a lovely thread and a reminder that good things can come after hard experiences.

Yup.
Or a long car journey.

Not a parental perspective but one as the child.

My parents split when I was 13. I was sexually abused by a family friend aged 11-15. I self harmed on and off from 13-18. I also attempted suicide at 16. Diagnosed with OCD at about 18. I've had a really difficult life and been very unlucky with numerous traumas, the sexual abuse is not the only trauma of these level unfortunately. Despite all of the above I'm functioning and have a reasonable life. I still struggle with my MH but I absolutely want to be here and have engaged with therapy and am waiting for something a bit longer term to save me ping ponging in and out of well-being services. No one on the outside would know I've had any of these difficulties, I have a degree and professional qualification, a really good job, a husband and a toddler.

I've been NC with my DF since I was 16. Didn't see him much after my parents split. I'm 31 now, so he's been out of my life almost as much as he was in it.

Mine aren’t teens yet but I was an awful teen. Like your DDs I had experienced a lot of family upheaval and my problems were also beyond the scope of normal difficult teen.

What would’ve helped? One on one time with a loving parent doing things that I enjoyed doing. Being encouraged to do extra curricular things that would’ve built my confidence (I found those later and they had such a positive impact on my mental health). And yes a decent counsellor - though I had a brief experience with one who was so damaging that the one time I tried to see a counsellor as an adult I nearly had a panic attack.

I was, frankly, hideous for about 5 years. Leaving home at 17 for Uni was the only thing that saved me, I think. In hindsight, I was put under huge amounts of pressure by my father to be a high achiever (I am, mostly!)

My mental health was poor-ish, but undiagnosed/treated. I was awful to my mother. Just awful. I stayed out, disappeared for a couple of days a few times, screamed, shouted, and just generally pushed the boundaries so far. I’m the middle child, and my brother (the eldest) was so quiet and canny, he caused absolutely no issues. I was known as the family ‘wild child’ and kind of played up to that nickname. None of this is commendable by anyone involved.

However, now I’m in my 40s (and sadly childless), I can genuinely say that my mum is one of my best friends. We are really close now. It took me being away from home, for Uni, and then travelling, for us to really find our way of having a relationship. I just want to wish you the best, and hope that you can have the same relationship with your girls. You’re doing a great job. Just hang in there.

Have you tried self referring to OffTheRecord? They are also used by CAMHS but you can self refer and then chase up directly.

My eldest struggled. I always said she had one foot in something she shouldn't and I had to continually nudge her back over the line. Lockdown helped it really helped! But... once lock down ended we were faced with an angry confused 17 year old. I listened to her, listened to her wants and we compromised. She was desperate to give up sixth form but with compromise we got her through. Don't sweat the small stuff, do little things for her, little treats. Every day say you love her and how nice she looks.

Now, she's 19. On a degree course she dreamed off, stayed home to study!!! Travels into the city with me twice a week and as we part ways at the station she always shouts across the crowd I love you mum! She's fabulous, stick with it, have a girly hour once a week even if it's just a cup of tea together uninterrupted

Hi OP, I was one of those teenage girls! I started being bullied at school when I was about 12. I self-harmed and drank alcohol without my parents knowing. I was horrible to my mum at times. I would stay out past my curfew and lie about it.

Fast forward 20 years and I have a degree, a 10-year career, a hobby, no debt and a 9 month old daughter. I don't drink or smoke and I haven't self harmed since I was about 14. I have made some questionable relationship choices as you'll see from a thread on here but in the grand scheme of things it worked out fine.

I have 3dds and yes they can be entitled annoying pains, they all hated me at some stage which is normal for them to say. At times I have thrown myself on the couch with a wet cloth on my head and demanded peace tea and male children
. They stopped in their tracks and actually complied with the tea and we talked. They are now adults with their own children and have made it through. It seems like a right of passage for them, I was a sole parent as well. My son was a pain for a while as well, he has 5 children and I told him it was devine justice. Keep your sense of humour and let them see that too best of luck if you want a threat to stop them and make them laugh and take a moment so you can talk to them just ask me, it always works

ah sorry that sounds really stressful. I had probably all the same issues you describe both your girls having and I am now absolutely fine. Went to college, uni, got a good career going on, married, kids, stable enough! Occasionally I do have anxiety still but nothing major.

On reflection the hardest part was my Mum would sometimes stop talking to me, sometimes for days or a week even. That actually really affected me and I think was quite damaging to my self worth - like I wasn't worth talking to? I felt like my parents just didn't like me for a long time. I'm not saying I was an angel but I really wasn't that bad. Just please keep talking to them and make sure they feel loved. They'll come through it, it's hard but normal. My mum was menopausal too and I know she was doing her best with the skills she had at the time, and didn't really know what to do or say. But I think sometimes think she was the adult at the end of the day.

I don't know if you have any support or opportunities to get out and enjoy yourself occasionally, away from the family? Could help. Hope things improve soon.