Please tell me about your teenage girls who've come through the other side

[JMSA]

I'm a single mother of 3 girls, two of whom are in their teens. I can honestly say that I have never found parenthood so hard. I love them so much, help them, am here for them always. But I feel slightly broken. Today I discovered that my 13 year old has dabbled in self-harming and has shoplifted. My 16 year old has anxiety, which we are working through.
At the moment I can't really see the light at the end of the tunnel. They're great girls, really they are, but adolescence (mixed with menopause and working full-time in a challenging job!) is testing me to my limit.
If your teenage daughters breezed through it and gave you little cause for concern, I am genuinely pleased for you But I'd love to hear from those who had the usual challenges, and everything worked out in the end.
Just for a little while, I'd like to feel better.
Thanks

Amazing to hear! Thank you for sharing x

Your first sentence there made my night! Much appreciated x

I'm writing as a late '20s woman who was a terrible teenager by my admission - however, I didn't have the best teenage life. My tyrannical and cheating father left my mum when I was 13 and stopped paying the bills in the house, which led to us becoming homeless and living in unstable and uncertain conditions. When I was a teenager, I blamed myself for my parent's marriage; I also was naive and thought that men would be able to replace the father figure; however, all they did was the groom and exploit my vulnerabilities. This led to me having substance issues and nearly getting kicked out of school, but I managed to get GCSEs and A-levels etc. I used to self harm and I used to have terrible anxiety, I often felt my mum didn't love me and loved my sibling more because they were wonderful and had a closer relationship.

However, there were also sudden bereavements in the families, and when I got to like 19, I was living with an older man and his brother who had terrible mental health issues like scizophrenia who used to beat me...I managed to get away at 21 and had to flee to another area. Still, the thing that turned my life around was meeting my now partner and going to University as a mature student, as it was a fresh start for me, and I'm going to achieve an excellent grade. Still, I complete my course in this summer, but I am worried that people will judge me for the past for my unstable employment history in my early 20s; however, I have shown a lot of resilience to get to this point.

Maybe education might be a turning point for your daughter?

Wish I could reply to you all individually, but I'm keeping an eye on my 13 year old so that she doesn't burn the gyozas!

Oh my goodness, you are a real life Wonder Woman!

I have a 15 year old (nearly 16) who is just about giving us hope that we are at the end of a gruelling few years. She has anxiety (possibly ADD too), developed anorexia when she was 14 (lost 6-8kg in couple of months) and also self harmed. It was hell. I didn't know which problem to help her with and we also had GCSE pressure to worry about. I was patient - gave her a lot of love and support. DH was less patient and couldn't 'understand' what the challenge was - he wanted her to be high achieving and focussed on academic when I was worried about keeping DD alive, stop the self harm and prevent anorexia from overtaking her life. I took her to a paediatrician who ran blood tests to rule out any illness (but this showed DD I was serious about her care). The GP referred us to CAHMS and we got a quick referral to 'OffTheRecord' which is a charity that works in this space - they offered counselling which I think DD responded to. All the early intervention helped (I think) and she's slowly gotten back to her normal self. The self harming relapsed once but never again. She's still quite anxious but we've learnt not to add to her pressures and 'let her be' when she needs to. She goes to school late sometimes and school complains but we turn a bit of a blind eye to it. She's slowly focussing on GCSE and talking about A levels and Uni - which is great. We are seeing light at the end of the tunnel now.

I don't think there are any quick fixes and some of these are going to be challenges for life. But overall if she's happy and trusts me to be there for her and does her best despite all these things that hold her back I'll be happy.

It does get better. Mine self harmed, overdosed, repeatedly went missing, got involved in county lines for a short while, took drugs, never went to school. Completely and utterly off the rails.
Shes 17.5 now, it’s not perfect, our relationship is damaged, she still does things I’d rather she didn’t but she’s almost an adult so I’ve let go a lot. She stays out an awful lot but she’s generally with a friend rather than out getting off her head. She works full time and pretty much supports herself so I can’t tell her what she can and can’t do really.
The change in a year is quite drastic, all down to getting a job. Still a long way off where I’d like her to be but I’m hopeful she’ll turn out ok.

Mum to a 13 nearly 14 yo DD here.
Im also finding it quite hard.
The things that seem to work so far are:
Being extremely open and making it very well known that she can talk to me about anything worrying her and I will Always always help. (She often doesn’t seem to to be listening or caring but inside she is)
When she is in a good / receptive mood telling her outright how I will always be there for her no matter what. (See above)
Being a massive soft pillow of love and understanding as much as I can.
Letting the horrible comments / moods/ downright cruel things sometimes slide off me and try to develop a tough skin.
Providing the same stable repetitive routine environment as I have done all through her life.
Trying to really think why I am saying no if she asks to do something I don’t like.
Trying to listen to her side of everything and her reasoning as often she is correct in her observations and points of view.

I'd rather choose my battles and have an honest daughter than be so overbearing she couldn't talk to me - I know whole heartedly mine is honest with me, she never turns snap maps off - I know where she is at all times - just give your teenagers the freedom to be honest with you, weigh up the pros and cons of every choice you make for them, mine is seeing somebody older than I would've hoped at this age, but if she was out with her peers she'd be buying drugs and running about in cars with learner drivers - it's not ideal but she knows I'm there for her - she self harmed a couple of years ago - this was due to peer pressure and Snapchat - I reckon she's outgrown this now and knows her own mind

@PinkyU I completely disagree with this, and it's incredibly naive.

The issues you’ve described are not the “usual challenges”, they are risky and dangerous behaviour (not that I have to point that out).Thinking that the usual parenting techniques or that they’ll “outgrow” poor mental health isn’t necessarily a great path to go down. I’d very much recommend speaking with your gp and sourcing parenting advice for kids with mental ill-health

OP- Actually this is the world we live in, and we need to understand that better to help our young people.

I work with young people, mainly girls and I can tell you poor mental health (ESPECIALLY anxiety) and yes also self-harm are at epidemic proportions, especially in the context of "dabbling" in self harm as you describe your daughter.

These are girls from a range of backgrounds, not particularly socio-economically disadvantaged, although there are pockets. They have access to a much wider range of peer (and adult) influence through social media. Believe me a teenage girl who self harms experimentally, may well go on to live a happy and mentally healthy life. It's not the catastrophe it can seem, not that it isn't to be taken seriously. What I'm saying is that it is far, far more widespread than most parents realise.

My only advice would be to keep communication open, make time to talk to them individually even if they reject it, insist on a family meal sitting down together at least once a week, and enlist the help and support of the schools/ colleges as much as you can. In many cases this passes without any long term implications. Just monitor and support. It sounds like they know they are loved.

So at the moment I've only got a 5yo and a 2yo... BUT I was a complete dick from about 13 to 15.5. Awful. Absolutely grotesque to my mum, miserable and mopey, angry and could be violent.
The self harming is serious. Definitely address that. The rest? Try not to over react and just let the years slide by until they grow up a bit. The 16 year old is probably very close to a volte face and being a more reasonable person to live with.

Thank you so much 😀 I don't feel like it, I just hope it can all pay off, but sometimes it's slow and steady wins the race.

Yes out the other end with DD1 who is now 22 and about to graduate from university. I wouldn't say she has the easiest row to plough even now compared to my other children but my god it is nothing even remotely like her aged 16 - self harming, school refusal, head in the sand, suicidal thoughts, hospitalisation, medication. She is now managing school, friendships, job etc. with no medication (although she still does meet with her therapist)

What saved us was family therapy - with the right therapist. And also that her dad (super high achiever btw) wasn't angry, didn't care about achievements but about her health and safety, and turned up every single week to family therapy despite a schedule that was brutal. Our therapist told us that many parents were still berating their children about getting into Harvard while their kid was sitting in front of them not coping, cutting, quasi suicidal. I have a bit of sympathy for this tbh as we are told our children must achieve and get into the right university or else we are failing them. But what we realised was that all that was important was that our child came out of teenage years as far as possible intact, healthy, with good habits in place

Honestly, I think your dh, his anger and expectations, and the fact that you aren't able to talk openly about the issues is a contributing factor. Your daughter has shown self-harming behaviours (the cutting and the shoplifting). A good dad should know about this and want to be part of the solution. How far you can ameliorate this I don't know.

I'm sure he loves them. He, presumably has plenty of money to pay for private therapy. Is there any way you could have a calm conversation explaining what is needed. Could you maybe see a therapist who could help you with this conversation?

Also not to add to your load, but this angst will also rub off a bit on your younger one (the non teen). This is why family therapy was so helpful. It acknowledged the entire family dynamic.

This is a hard time, OP. They will get through it.

You are doing an amazing job! You love your girls and a lot of what you describe self harming etc is entirely normal - sadly, and more common than most people like to think.
Social media, pressure, friendships, hormones - it’s a nasty cauldron of hell.

You are doing all you can - at your very limits so to speak. My best advice is model and be a good example of self care to your girls. Make a plan tonight after the gyozas as to how you are going to get through this patch. We seem to direct all of our time, resources and energy into our dc, without putting our oxygen masks on first.
You can’t pour from an empty jug, and you can’t support anyone if you are a burnt out, tattered wreck. To get through this you also need a plan.

Know you are more than good enough, these difficulties are not a result of your parenting more a reflection of the world they live in. Prioritise your well being as well.

I work with teens and have a teen. I would say car journeys are good for getting them to talk. Instead of punishment I would focus on developing consequential thinking. Then hopefully these discussions will help her when she is faced with choices in the future.

Something I have found helpful at home is to have a series we watch together. Off our phones and watching something, just for the company and spending time together with no pressure to talk. Its a tricky time, judging when to step in and when to step back.

@JMSA
My dd has just turned 21. Her teenage years from 14 to 18 were absolutely horrific. I nearly lost the entire plot. She took drugs, truanted, was promiscuous, sometimes violent, she ran away several times. She refused to engage with any outside support. She amazingly managed to do her GSCSEs, then lasted two days at a sixth form school that she had begged us to go to. She told me later that she had been on a really bad come down. After that I sort of let go internally. She was and is so important to me. Her bio father left me at 5 months pregnant. She was born early and needing immediate surgery. I had so much respect for her. She was such a tiny little fighter, and it destroyed me when our relationship just went to shit. I couldn’t understand it. I’d had a very icy mother and I went completely the other way with dd.
I think the change came when I let go a bit. I was figuratively holding her so so tightly. It took a bit of time, and she can still be unpredictable, but she’s now at uni doing sociology.
If somebody had told me that when she was 16 I would have laughed hollowly. Her teenage years were so exhausting, I was on tenter hooks all the time.

Keep the faith @JMSA. All the love you have poured into them, all the birthday cakes and tickle fights and bedtime stories it ALL counts. It’s in there. I wish you all the very best, and like pp you sound like a lovely mum.

I've found the teen years with my dd the most difficult and stressful of my whole life. She's 17 now and we're slowly coming out the other side.

You're definitely not alone.

Hi - also single mum of 3 girls - also very hard at times

Wont go into too much detail but DD1 - we had anger, trashing the house, refusal to go to school, poor behaviour at school (many threats of managed moved and 2 day exclusions), police and SS involvement, rudeness, meanness, complete breakdown of her relationship with her dad - then me - causing endless movement between our homes - she's now 21 (almost) at a really good Uni, getting 1sts and is a wonderful young woman - she loves me for sticking with her throughout

DD2 has had her moments - nowhere as bad but cannabis use, self harm, anger - she's off to uni in Sept and works really hard - we still have our moments but it's much better

DD3 copies some of her eldest sister behaviour but it's quiet half hearted and I've learned to pick my battles

One phrase that helped me through 'you children need your love the most when they deserve it the least' - just always be there, try and be forgiving and caring, set good boundaries, let them know through actions and words that they are loved, let them fuck up and be there when they do - drink wine!

My lovely 14 year old DD has become extremely anxious and has OCD which is very draining and worrying. Been on the waiting list for CAHMS for 5 months. She is kind and passive, but her worries are off the scale. I keep remembering her as a happy little carefree girl and it is very hard to see her struggling, or to know how to help. She is so under confident now, she can barely speak to people when she isn’t at home. I really really hope she will come out the other side too. I went through a very poor mental health stage from 13 - 21 I would say, but getting a full time job combined with finally gelling with a counsellor at Uni helped me.

This thread really is just Mumsnet at its best - thank you all again so much, and best of luck to those of you going through similar

I've had two teenage daughters, now both adults. Ime it gets easier mid twenties, their hormones seem to finally settle then.

I found it helped to go out for coffee together once a week, it was our time to talk about the well.

I also tried to pick my battles. So, I'd let the little things go, untidiness in their rooms was their problem, but they had to accept every now and again I'd go in and gather washing/change the bed, whilst youngish teens. But anything that was dangerous or just not acceptable, was not ok. With my second daughter I was calmer, probably because I was a little older. I didn't shout, I'd matter of fact point out what wasn't acceptable and suggest a solution or invite a conversation about it, ask for her suggestions. I found treating her like an adult definitely helped.

also a few books I like (Through my job I have read a fair bit about teenagers, development etc)

Blame My Brain, Get Out Of My Life (but first take me and alex into town) and The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read

Also with the anxiety - try finding things that work for her - with my DD2 it was talking through the thing that made her anxious and coming up with solutions - so I don't want to go swimming - because I'm worried I'll forget my towel - okay so what can we do to stop that but also what would you do if you did - how could you sort that - borrow a towel from a mate etc? It did help come up with her own solutions and see the situation as managable

It sounds like the emotional abuse from their father is taking its toll.

🌈😀🌻💐YOU AND YOUR GIRLS WILL COME THROUGH THIS !!
Nothing lasts for ever,good or bad.They will mature,hormones will settle and you will subsequently have three best friends.
Hold on in there.when times are tough,try mindful thinking by thinking only in each second closing your mind to what's been,what might happen.
You are no quitter,a determined person who will get through this and be able to talk about it later down the line with a smile(of relief maybe😀)
🌈🌻💐🌈🌻💐

@JMSA There are aspects of what you are sharing that I could have written about one of my daughters. Solidarity.

Mine like yours is such a great kid. She is always kind, inclusive, smart and respectful to others in a way that many peers struggle to be. However, she has these very private MH/anxiety/OCD & self-harm struggles that can cause reactions and behaviours that are unrecognizable at times and that makes it very hard. She can lose her temper so quickly and spiral to places I wish I could better understand and feel like the opposite of who she is. I'm modelling communicating gently, taking space and doing what you can both to help with prevention and support in those hard moments/hours/days.

She is doing private therapy twice monthly and is now on medications. I think your GP Is misinformed about being too young, there are many tweens and teens that benefit from support whether long term or short term. I was hesitant at first but they did help and my daughter was able to articulate she felt 'less frantic inside' which was huge. It has allowed for some strategies to be used, but it's not a quick answer.

I often wonder how long this will last and then I remind myself that for many this is a lifelong journey they have to navigate, plan for and understand about themselves. Just like someone who is diabetic. I am trying not to look at it like a phase, nor see it as a terrible thing she is suffering. It is part of her life but we are working to help ensure it doesn't define her life. My daughter's is rooted in some early traumas, and so we talk about how many great people have trauma that does impact their brains, mental health and development and they aren't weak, nor less deserving of good things in their life.

One thing I will add, is I've come to see it's a bit of a grief for me too. What I mean in that we have these expectations at times of what our dc are like and will be like. I never thought my daughter would steal for example. My value system would never allow me to do that, and that guides my decisions. For her, she's looking to feel better and if that means taking sweets or money, she does it, both from me (money) and from elderly grandparents (money) who are so hurt by it. This was perhaps the hardest part for me, when 'behaviours' aren't reflective of my values as a parent or human. It makes it feel much more like a loss of who I thought my daughter would be. I have found acknowledging this allows me to deal with my expectations and not put that on my DD. It's not fair to, but it's also something I have to acknowledge and not judge myself for feeling. This has also helped me support my DD's siblings who have been hurt by her newer communication style, her ignoring them or raising her voice more easily. Those conversations helped them acknowledge, especially her younger sister, that they felt she wasn't who they love and remember because she is very different now. Acknowledging their pain let us work on new dynamics, finding positive ways to interact and helping everyone better understand how hurtful words can be.

I have no easy answers, but know you aren't alone.