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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask to meet Ex's new partner before they move in together?

55 replies

McTwatface · 04/03/2023 22:03

Name change for privacy reasons and will try not to drip feed

Amicable divorce and on good(ish) terms with ex and we have a DS 4 (50/50 custody) who's going through a difficult phase for a variety of reasons so their behaviour is quite challenging (currently being assessed for ASD)

So ex has been dating someone new (I'll call her Kerry for ease of reading) about a year now and has recently been introduced to DS,thankfully DS seems to like her, all good so far.

Yesterday, DS came back from spending day with them and excitedly tells me about his new bedroom at the new house daddy and kerry are moving into and this totally threw me!!

AIBU to have expected ex to tell me first and not hear about it from DS??

Furthermore, is it crazy that I'd like to meet the woman my child will be effectively living with 50% of the time?

Obviously can't stop ex (even though it feels like he's moving rather fast with kerry) but I worry what impact this will have on my DS never mind if she has the patience to deal with his behavioural problems

OP posts:

Potplant85 · 04/03/2023 22:07

So what happens if you don’t like her? You can’t demand he doesn’t live with her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/03/2023 22:08

You can ask but it’s up to her. If you don’t like her or think she’s not up to the job what could you do about it?

Your ex should be doing the parenting and dealing with challenging behaviour. She’ll live there too but if she’s sensible she’ll let his dad do the hard work and be a bonus extra adult in DS’s life.

PumpkinDart · 04/03/2023 22:09

Eh? Of course you're being unreasonable. They took their time before she met your child and did that the right way, I don't see how you can say moving in after a year is moving too soon as it isn't your relationship.

Maybe as things are amicable you could ask your ex if you could meet Kerry given that she's going to be a significant part of your child's life? But then appreciate if your ex says no/ Kerry doesn't want to, that changes nothing in terms of their right to progress their relationship.

Yellowdays · 04/03/2023 22:10

It seems the adult thing to do, where children are involved.

Honeyroar · 04/03/2023 22:10

No. They’ve been together a year, it’s hardly new. And your little one sounds perfectly happy with them. Your ex runs his own life, parents his own child on his days, he’s capable of deciding whether he introduces /moves in with his girlfriend. He doesn’t need your approval. I’d have hated to have had to have an official introduction with my husband’s ex.

ThinWomansBrain · 04/03/2023 22:10

would you let your ex vet your new partner?

JMSA · 04/03/2023 22:11

You have to trust your ex's judgement, and he doesn't seem to have given you any reason not to.

Original poster

McTwatface · 04/03/2023 22:11

Thanks for the feedback not easy to hear but necessary

OP posts:

Original poster

McTwatface · 04/03/2023 22:13

Yellowdays · 04/03/2023 22:10

It seems the adult thing to do, where children are involved.

That's my thinking but second guessing myself

OP posts:

minford · 04/03/2023 22:14

No definitely don't request this. If you want to be able to build some sort of relationship with her, then let it happen organically as you or she pick up or drop off DC occasionally. A formal meeting sounds horrific and would likely make her resent your request which is not a good start for you and any potential impact on DC. After all, you can't veto the whole thing anyway. It would have been more polite for your ex to have told you this was happening, but there's no obligation for him to do so.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/03/2023 22:14

ThinWomansBrain · 04/03/2023 22:10

would you let your ex vet your new partner?

Even if OP said yes to this it wouldn’t be solely up to her. Her new partner would be his own person with an equal say in who he meets.

Even when separating couples make these agreements about meeting hypothetical new partners and hypothetical time frames they can’t force these additional people to adhere to them.

Chat1354 · 04/03/2023 22:17

I think it would’ve been open and grown up of him to introduce you and Kerry before this news. And also to tell you first. It would’ve been the decent thing.

Not that you’d have had any say, just that this would’ve been the harmonious way of going about it.

But life doesn’t always go that way does it. He was perhaps too caught up in the excitement of this new phase of his life opening up - the hope, the joy etc. So I can see why he maybe overlooked this.

I’m sorry for the shock it must’ve been to you. But I do hope it works out for you all - Daddy and Kerry being happy and settled is exactly what your son needs (and hopefully your boat isn’t rocked too much so you can be happy and settled at your end - good for you, good for your boy).

💐 for you xxx

PicaK · 04/03/2023 22:18

Yanbu to want to... But yabu to actually ask.

Original poster

McTwatface · 04/03/2023 22:20

Chat1354 · 04/03/2023 22:17

I think it would’ve been open and grown up of him to introduce you and Kerry before this news. And also to tell you first. It would’ve been the decent thing.

Not that you’d have had any say, just that this would’ve been the harmonious way of going about it.

💐 for you xxx

Thanks so much for your kind words, really needed to hear that

Hope you're right I'll just need to keep my fingers crossed it all goes well for my DS sake

OP posts:

Biscuits1011 · 04/03/2023 22:23

Yep yabu. You have no right to meet her. I mean you could ask… but you can’t expect it

Dinersaur · 04/03/2023 22:26

I offered to let my ex meet my partner and he didn't want to. I just can't see how a parent wouldn't want to at least meet the person spending so much time with their child. I know not everyone has that opinion but it's one i find difficult to fathom tbh.

I asked to meet his new partner, he said no, but as it happens she isn't interested in my daughter and he's cut down his parenting hours to nurture his relationship. I'm glad your ex has found someone who seems interested.

purpleme12 · 04/03/2023 22:30

I wouldn't want to meet my ex's partner and don't feel it's exactly necessary.

But my ex has moved his partner in. Gave my child some excuse that her mum said there wasn't room for her at home anymore (clearly rubbish they just wanted to move in together).
I did feel I should have told this. I also felt they shouldn't have made an excuse up.
But then again he denied she was his girlfriend the whole time said she was his friend even when she moved in.
I'm not the right person for this question actually

stepstepstep · 04/03/2023 22:34

Ex-DH insisted on meeting DP before he was introduced to DC. I was against it but actually DP said he could understand where ex-DH was coming from & agreed to it. Ex-DH then introduced DC to his new DP without telling me 🙄.

Anyway, you can ask but I don’t think you can expect her to say yes.

STARCATCHER22 · 04/03/2023 22:35

As someone who has been on the other side of this, I would understand you wanting to meet the woman who is going to be spending a lot of time with your child. Who he spends time with when he’s with his dad isn’t up to you to decide but that doesn’t mean you are wrong to want to meet her. Saying that, I’ve never had to do an official introductory meeting like that and would probably be really nervous!!
I think waiting to meet her more organically and naturally might be a better option. Less pressure for both of you! If your DS seems happy enough for now, I’d leave off the official meeting and be friendly when you do finally meet her.

MrsDoylesDoily · 04/03/2023 22:45

I'm sure you'll get to know her over time OP and I understand how odd it might feel at the moment.

However, meeting her won't change anything except for possibly making things a bit weird between you both.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 04/03/2023 23:42

If you're amicable I'd try to keep it that way ...

Mention to exDP that now his new gf has met DS , it'd be great if you could meet get at some point. The same way he may prefer to meet any bf of yours as and when after you introduce to Ds...

I'd appeal to that side of him

But he's have no say in it same as you don't unfortunately

It's definitely better if you all have met at some point and can keep lines of communication open but you can't insist

2bazookas · 04/03/2023 23:47

You're being unreasonable, because the implication is that she can only move in with your ex if you approve of her, and that just is not the case.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 05/03/2023 00:09

You haven't given the impression in your message that you get a say in who he dates or in who he moves in with so I'm not sure why so many people are jumping on you.

I think it would have been good for him to give you a heads up they were moving in together as your son is now moving house and you do have a right to know where he sleeps at night. I also think it's not unreasonable of you to ask to meet her. I would want to meet someone my four year old was living with. He can say no, and it sounds like you will accept his no. But there is nothing wrong in asking.

OIDespair · 05/03/2023 00:20

You are absolutely not being unreasonable in hoping that he would have told you about the moving in first, before he told your child. As PP have said it would have been the adult, respectful thing to do. Regardless of the fact that you're not emotionally linked to him anymore, you still coparent and he's totally omitted to consider that this is something you might need to know in order to support your child with the surprise news. It must feel very hurtful for you, and to have found out from your child too.

As for meeting Kerry, probably just way too awkward to have done/be doing in a formal way, but I think it's perfectly reasonable that you do arrange with your ex a way of meeting her as informally as that can be done, at least to break the ice at first. Importantly you're not vetting or getting the right of veto, but it should be reassurance to you once you know who your child will be spending a significant amount of time living with.

NevieSticks · 05/03/2023 00:30

It would have been good mannered of him to inform you that he and she were going to be living together but there is no way that you need to meet her.

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