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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask to meet Ex's new partner before they move in together?

55 replies

McTwatface · 04/03/2023 22:03

Name change for privacy reasons and will try not to drip feed

Amicable divorce and on good(ish) terms with ex and we have a DS 4 (50/50 custody) who's going through a difficult phase for a variety of reasons so their behaviour is quite challenging (currently being assessed for ASD)

So ex has been dating someone new (I'll call her Kerry for ease of reading) about a year now and has recently been introduced to DS,thankfully DS seems to like her, all good so far.

Yesterday, DS came back from spending day with them and excitedly tells me about his new bedroom at the new house daddy and kerry are moving into and this totally threw me!!

AIBU to have expected ex to tell me first and not hear about it from DS??

Furthermore, is it crazy that I'd like to meet the woman my child will be effectively living with 50% of the time?

Obviously can't stop ex (even though it feels like he's moving rather fast with kerry) but I worry what impact this will have on my DS never mind if she has the patience to deal with his behavioural problems

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 05/03/2023 00:33

To ask is fine, to expect is not.

Spiderboy · 05/03/2023 00:37

YANBU to want a heads up, considering your DC will come home with a head full of thoughts and questions. That is co parenting and your ex has failed there.

i do not think you have to meet them however.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 05/03/2023 00:38

Strange to meet formally, as others have said let it happen organically, BUT I'd be upset that he hadn't let me know before especially if you have an OK relationship.
I'm sure if it was you moving in with a new partner he would like to have known.

Isittimeformynapyet · 05/03/2023 00:53

I had a LTR with a divorcee and after a while, when he wanted me to be a part of his children's lives, I actually offered to meet their mum. I wanted her to know that her daughters were not spending weekends with a poisonous harridan.

He turned out to be a very controlling tosser (of which she was well aware) and she was very grateful for me being around for those girls when their father was being a complete dick to them.

greenerfingers · 06/03/2023 09:19

If it's amicable I'd like to meet Kerry too. If I didn't have a child I couldn't care less but I have an almost 4 year old and he's my main priority. I'd ask your partner to introduce you just so you know who your child is living with and so you feel at ease when he's away from you. I'm surprised at how many people are saying you're being unreasonable. You're not doing it to vet his new partner but just to give yourself some reassurance, and let's just say you do see any red flags you can always then keep an eye on little one and ask how he is etc. If in future things went sour with her and your little one, or she was being abusive etc you could always ask to change custody. If it is was my 13/14 year old I probably wouldn't be so ott, but a 4 year old, most definitely I'd want to know his environment and who he shares it with when away from me.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 06/03/2023 09:27

I think its fine to say you would like to meet Kerry, as in an informal coffee thing. From her point of view this will be extremely daunting. I think its natural that you are concerned that a stranger to you is going to be a defacto step parent and a huge part of your ds's life. Of course as this will be during your ex's time, then in practice it's technically nothing to do with you.
I don't think they needed to tell you before your ds.

spelunky · 06/03/2023 09:31

YANBU for expecting him to talk to you about it and navigating the impact it might have on your son.
YABU to expect to meet her.

NewNameNigel · 06/03/2023 09:39

As a step mum I would not have reacted well to being summoned to a meeting that DP's ex insisted upon. I would have refused an "informal coffee meeting" as mentioned above - I would feel like she was trying to control my relationship with the children and that she was treating me like an employee. It would have affected our relationship badly which would have been bad for everyone.

Can you not find a way to meet her naturally? Maybe one day you are in the area so offer to pick the kids up rather than your ex dropping them off. Or perhaps there will be an event involving your children that she can attend.

Donnashair · 06/03/2023 09:42

As others said, you can ask. Either him or her can decline.

But, what happens if you don’t like her? It’s not going to make any difference at all.

I think you need to understand exactly what you get out of it. Rather than a vague ‘just to meet her’.

whatadayforadaydream · 06/03/2023 09:46

YANBU.

I assume it's not to "approve" her, but rather to know and have some kind of relation to an adult who is going to be living with your child. I think this is a reasonable thing to expect to happen.

NewNameNigel · 06/03/2023 10:05

whatadayforadaydream · 06/03/2023 09:46

YANBU.

I assume it's not to "approve" her, but rather to know and have some kind of relation to an adult who is going to be living with your child. I think this is a reasonable thing to expect to happen.

I get that this is the intention but there's a good chance that it's not how it would be received by "Kerry".

whatadayforadaydream · 06/03/2023 10:07

NewNameNigel · 06/03/2023 10:05

I get that this is the intention but there's a good chance that it's not how it would be received by "Kerry".

Show quote history

Hopefulyl OP will explain this to her ex and Kerry, being an adult, will think it's rather sensible knowing the third adult she will effectively be parenting with.

it doesn't have to be a big deal does it? It's not like OP is going to interview Kerry or something. But being invited in for a cop of tea to say hi on drop off, or all meeting at the park together so DS can have a play and see that the adults in his life are capable of a mature relationship for his benefit surely isnt' massively onerous. If it is to her she is probably not in a position to take on the responsiblity of being a step parent.

Fireyflies · 06/03/2023 10:11

Of course you can ask. Just do it in a grown up friendly way - "DS told me about your plans to move in with Kerry, ex. He's very excited. Would be lovely to meet Kerry at some point as I hear so much about her (all good!) Would the two of you like to call in for a cuppa when you collect DS on Friday?"

NewNameNigel · 06/03/2023 10:55

But being invited in for a cop of tea to say hi on drop off

This is a good idea. Its casual and she is there anyway.

If it is to her she is probably not in a position to take on the responsiblity of being a step parent

Step parents don't have responsibilities (or rights). Those are for parents.

Frankola · 06/03/2023 11:05

Well you can ask. But you need to consider what you expect the outcome to be if you don't like her. He's not going to stop seeing her. He's not going to cancel his house move. And to be honest, as much as you'll try to go into it with an open mind, you have history with ex. Your child spends 50% of their time there. So your back is naturally going to be up.

Also, are you happy for him to come visit any new partner you get to see if he likes them?

As long as you have no concerns about your child's safety with his new partner I'd say just let it go and carry on as you are.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 06/03/2023 11:19

I met my DP's ex informally a few months into our relationship. Similarly, we met their new partner. It's helped as when DC speak about them, we've met them, the first time meeting wasn't at a school function etc. Also helpful as between the four of us, sometimes the step-parents did pick up/drop off, so we had all met before any of that happened.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 06/03/2023 11:22

As long as you have no concerns about your child's safety...

yes, had we not all done jobs that needed CRBs, I would have been more uneasy and looking for putting their name through the Clare's law process to check. I did Google them!

AviMav · 06/03/2023 11:25

Rather shocked at some of the responses here.

A year is a new relationship, never mind move in together when you have 50/50 of your 4 year old child. A 4 year old is not old enough to judge anything besides its totally irrelevant.

I think at the very LEAST OP should have been told by her exH the PLAN. Its awful when your child comes home discussing things that are a adults place to discuss with you it's sheer poor parenting and a lack of respect.

You have composed yourself very well OP.

strawberry2017 · 06/03/2023 11:31

It can't hurt to ask, I always admire couples who can keep things mega civil with new partners. It must be really hard to do!

ChickenDhansak82 · 06/03/2023 11:35

You clearly trusted him and liked him enough to have a child with him, and although your relationship didn't work out, I think you need to trust him to make the right decision in moving in with his partner.

He is father to your DS and has him 50% of the time so is hardly going to prioritise his relationship over his son. He will have thought this through and discussed it with his partner so it's not your place to comment.

whatadayforadaydream · 06/03/2023 11:41

NewNameNigel · 06/03/2023 10:55

But being invited in for a cop of tea to say hi on drop off

This is a good idea. Its casual and she is there anyway.

If it is to her she is probably not in a position to take on the responsiblity of being a step parent

Step parents don't have responsibilities (or rights). Those are for parents.

I disagree. If you enter into a relationship with someone with children, and choose to live with them (and their child) then you take on some responsibility for being an adult in that child's life. What that looks like pratically is up for debate, but you are imposing yourself in a child's life and that comes with some responisbility.

LadyT27 · 06/03/2023 11:42

YABU

Yes, in an ideal world it would be nice for him to have mentioned it to you.

I do think it is unreasonable for you to expect or want to meet her first. He is the your child's Dad and has obviously decided she is a decent enough human to live with and be in your sons life 50% of the time. You really have no say in the matter unless you have a legitimate reason to doubt otherwise.

CornishGem1975 · 06/03/2023 11:45

I've been on both sides of it. The one who moved a partner in and the one whose ex moved a partner in. Neither of us demanded we meet the new partners, not expected to be told before anyone else.

aSofaNearYou · 06/03/2023 11:48

It always disturbs me how people talk about how the ex "should have introduced her to you" or "it's the adult thing to do with kids involved". I don't think people realise they are forgetting to consider that she is her own person, not an asset for her partner to choose what to do with. This is HER choice, and bluntly her priority may not be putting herself out because it might vaguely benefit the child, as yours might be as their parent.

Many step parents do not want to feel like they are auditioning to their partner's ex. I don't think there's any harm in casually saying you'd love to meet her if she's up for it but you cannot expect or demand, or make it seem like it's his choice or yours rather than hers.

AviMav · 06/03/2023 11:51

@whatadayforadaydream absolutely how could anybody choose to date and further there relationship with a man with a small child and feel they are under no obligation?

Really odd view and you shouldn't be dating a man let alone living with him if that's your stance!

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