To essentially kick one child out for the other?

[purplediscolove]

Am I being unreasonable in thinking my partner is being unreasonable in expecting me and our child who's 16 months old to stay elsewhere for one night every two weeks so he can have 1-1 time with his eldest who he sees twice a week and has every other weekend?

To me 1-1 time when your a blended family/family should be days out 1-1, football? Park on there own?Anything me and the baby can't do or won't do that suits them? Having a few hours together while I pop out or even popping out themselves?

Before we had our child this was never a thing we did Everything together and it's only just become more of a recent thing and it's making me look at my partner like he's a weirdo and can't hack being a dad to a 16 month old so it's his easy escape for a night off. Then the eldest can behave how they want and be as loud as they want. When in my head it's life it's the life he chose wanting another child it's the way he knew it would be so why is he isolating our child for this period everyone knew what having another child would do share time between children etc and I'm not saying we all need to be together 24/7 but to kick us out for a whole entire night is too much.

YANBU (assuming his child isnt struggling with the adjustment and you arent implementing any crazy and impractical rules like complete silence in the house after 6pm and the kids arent sharing a room etc).

If he thinks having time alone, when everyone is asleep for the majority of that time, is suddenly so important, then he can take his son somewhere.

Nope, mad idea of his. If he wants alone time he can take the older one on holiday, not kick the little one out.

Madness

Where does he expect you to go?!

It’s obviously insane and you make a series of excellent points which cover the whole thing.

I wouldn’t be leaving my home or taking my child from hers to pander to this sort of bullshit.

One to one time is definitely important and as you say, that can look like a range of things including day trips so he gets grown up quality time with his older child.

I’ve got teen DSC, a 3 year old and one on the way. We do any combination of kids, us and time. DH takes all 3 out, the older two together and on their own, midweek he’ll take DSD shopping after school or DSS for a burger etc. It’s perfectly possible for all the DC to get quality time without anyone being turfed out for the night.

I don’t make any rules, I don’t over step boundaries and genuinely don’t need to ever even think along those lines anyway. The child is a great child. My partner asks his son to be quiet while our child is going to sleep and then he can be as he wants within reason. I just find it bizarre. My partner is the problem he says to me all the time that they both need it but I know his son wouldn’t care of me and his sibling was there. Sat here now and I’m thinking I don’t even want to go back tomorrow because this is not normal! Don’t get me wrong I enjoy 1-1 time with my child and I feel like it’s healthy to not be 24/7 solidly together but to be away for nights is too much.

He expects you and a baby to leave your home? How did this bizarre arrangement even start?! Just refuse to go.

YANBU. Be very clear with DH that if wants an overnight 121 with his child, then he needs to be the one to book a hotel or stay with his parents.

Don’t leave the house even once, because you will set a precedent.

If he wants one on one time with his D's then he needs to find somewhere to go. You shouldn't be kicked out of your home. Is it your house or his? Could he kick you out permanently?

YANBU

Well, surely he can take his older kid somewhere like a B&B or hotel every other weekend if 1-1 time is that important to him?

Our child loves them both literally puts me down as bottom of the list when they both are there and I come second to dad when he’s home with us, which upsets me even more to think he’s happy to do that to his other child who adores him. I would much support and encourage days out weekends away what not and actively plan my own time so I could be out and around my family or friends.

I literally don’t take the step parent role, don’t parent him in the slightest I’m just there as another supportive adult who has fun with him and supports his hobby’s and what he wants to do. I treat him when I can and even on like birthdays Valentine’s Day Christmas I make sure I get him something from me and his sibling. So I’m not this evil step parent I’m simply dads girlfriend and siblings mum.

i sat back tonight and thought wow this Is not normal. My mum goes away a lot so I go there and either be company for my brother or just house sit.

This is utter madness. There are other more normal ways of having 121 time with another child.
Just how long does he intend this madness to go on for, months or years?
Where on earth do you both go?
If it's to relatives then surely they must think this is just nuts.
I'm truly astounded that anyone would do this to their partner and child.

@Shinyandnew1 i stayed out over Christmas at my mums and then this is where he has this idea from. He used to try and avoid seeing us full stop for the whole weekend up until 6 weeks ago.

What?!
Very weird

If this is something he wants, then he should take his DC to stay overnight somewhere else. But he can't ask you and his other child to leave their own home.

You're right, it's bizarre. My DH has another DC from a previous relationship, and if he asked me to do this 16 mths into our new DCs birth, I'd be wondering what the fuck he was up to. And I certainly wouldn't be complying with such an absurd demand.

Where does he expect you to go?!

yanbu. It’s your house. If he wants one to one time with his eldest he is welcome to take him for dinner or whatever. But not Chuck you out of YOUR house.

I would not put up with this. Complete deal breaker that he did not want to spend the whole weekend with his partner and child.
He sounds bloody weird. Life is too short for this shit. Your poor child growing up knowing you were hid away as Dad wanted time alone with other child. I'd be having serious words this could have a serious affect on your own child.

You live together and he expects you to decamp somewhere else every time his eldest is there? There are no words to describe how wrong this is!

I echo everyone else. No way should you be leaving your home.
Does he expect you to still do it when your little one is at school, great way to make him/her feel less than step brother.

Wtf?? This is absolutely nuts, I feel really angry on your behalf. I would have thought he was being somewhat unreasonable if HE went elsewhere during those times but to expect you and a baby to go? It's just so incredibly selfish and arrogant, it beggars belief. I can't believe you've gone along with it.

This would make me feel so unwanted. I'd probably tell partner he needs to be one to take his eldest child out of house if he wants alone time with him. If he asked me to leave for night or weekend I'd tell him I'd leave but would not be coming back ever. Let him make his choice.

This is my next question to him because she is pretty much coming towards the understanding stage i mean she already does understand leaving daddy, daddy leaving for work? mummy leaving me with childminder/nanny/auntie for work. In no way can she verbally communicate but she sure can show her emotions at these things. I certainly won’t stand for it then when I’ve got her asking why daddy don’t want Us there? Part of me thinks it’s because she’s at the “ hard stage” where she’s loud she’s into everything she don’t stop she wants everything she can’t have. they take over the living room on these weekends so she is limited. They put a tv On a coffee table with in her eye level and reach and expect her to just be okay with it and not want to be a toddler nosying around. When she was alot younger they used to have it up high out of reach and now she’s more mobile they are going backwards. I dread these weekends because of my partner and only my partner his child is 10.

the child has a mother who loves to drink and do that drug they put up their nose and I used to think oh he’s over compensating 1. Cause he never had a dad( ever) and 2 because of what his ex is like plus what his own mum was like but no! This is another one of his children and I’m his partner now nothing like his ex I don’t do nothing of the sort so it doesn’t make it okay to behave weirdly towards me and our child

Not ok to kick you and toddler out of your home, even temporarily. Blended families are complicated and he is being selfish.

No this is nuts. Like you say there’s plenty he can do for 1/1 time with his son if he wants it, football matches, going bowling, cinema etc. Asking you and your child to leave overnight is really unfair.

Why on earth did you agree to this?? It’s your home and your child’s home.

If he want to have a Daddy sleepover with his son, then he can take him to a hotel once a month. That would be quite sweet. Kicking out his partner and baby is not.

OP if you let him have this he will get worse, go back tomorrow and tell him it’s never happening again. And if he doesn’t like it - tell him to leave for good.