To not take my DD out of school for a wedding?

WeddingOfHis · 2023-03-03T18:36:40+00:00

3 tier system where we are so as of September DD will be in Year 5 at middle school. My brother gets married in the 2nd week of September on a weekday, so my DD will have been in school at most 5 days when they get married. DD has some SN and absolutely hates school. Any reason to not go she’ll jump at it. She is already having transition to Middle School due to her SN (we know where she’s going due to EHCP) and is hating it. I have enough trouble getting her to school as it is, a day off so soon into starting will not only upset the new routine but could easily set in her mind that she doesn’t have to go. My brothers insisting that he’ll pay any fines for her not going and asking me to discuss it with her current school and the Middle School. He thinks “just one day off” will be fine. It’s in the middle of the day so no way round taking her out for half a day or anything. AIBU to refuse to take my DD out of school for the wedding?

passtheolives · 03/03/2023 18:39

Go to the wedding, if she knows about it she’ll likely kick up a fuss anyway

pick your battles, I’ll be in the minority with my view tho

underneaththeash · 03/03/2023 18:40

It's only one day, it will be fine.

Womblemumma · 03/03/2023 18:41

It’s your brothers wedding?! It’s a huge family event and everyone will be in the photos, you want to leave your dd out of that?!

DelphiniumBlue · 03/03/2023 18:42

Sorry , I don't think that is a good enough reason to miss your DB's wedding, unless you don't want to go anyway.
Surely you can explain to DD that this a special event and a one-off? Even if she is unsettled for a few days, is that so terrible? Or if it really won't work, can you go without her? Although, in her shoes I'd be really upset at missing uncle's wedding for the sake of a day at school - I reckon that would be more unsettling tbh. He obviously wants her to come, are they close?

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/03/2023 18:42

I would keep her in school personally. Weddings are massively over-rated and kids don’t usually enjoy them.

Original poster

WeddingOfHis · 03/03/2023 18:42

She'll kick off about going to school whether she's at the wedding or not, so that way it doesn't matter.

She doesn't know about the wedding yet, she's never been to one either so I don't think she'll realise she's missing out.

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Dacadactyl · 03/03/2023 18:42

My take on this is that you know your DD best. Its not about fines or money, it's about her best interest.

If for one minute I thought taking her out could potentially start a school refusal spiral, I wouldn't let her go to the wedding.

Although. I would be devastated to miss my brothers wedding, so I would have to weigh that up when making a decision too.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/03/2023 18:44

Hang on....are you planning on attending the wedding? Or you and dd not go?

LittlePinkPill · 03/03/2023 18:44

YANBU.

Im sure plenty of people would have no issue taking their children out of school for one day but, when DC has SN and a dislike for school, I found it really important to be consistent with the message that it’s important they attend every day (unless ill obviously).

A friend let theirs stay off at the drop of a hat, it gave them the message that school wasn’t important and they ended up with 3 school refusers, only 2 of the DC actually had any SN.

Original poster

WeddingOfHis · 03/03/2023 18:45

DelphiniumBlue · 03/03/2023 18:42

Sorry , I don't think that is a good enough reason to miss your DB's wedding, unless you don't want to go anyway.
Surely you can explain to DD that this a special event and a one-off? Even if she is unsettled for a few days, is that so terrible? Or if it really won't work, can you go without her? Although, in her shoes I'd be really upset at missing uncle's wedding for the sake of a day at school - I reckon that would be more unsettling tbh. He obviously wants her to come, are they close?

@DelphiniumBlue My concern is her SN.

Just taking her out for necessary thinks like hospital appointments or similar unsettles her and gives me sometimes a week or more of having to drag her to school, it's distressing for her, it's upsetting for me and I end up being late for work.

They are closeish, as close as DD can be to someone who doesn't live with her. Probably the same closeness she has to her dad (my ExH) who she sees EOWend.

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Original poster

WeddingOfHis · 03/03/2023 18:46

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/03/2023 18:44

Hang on....are you planning on attending the wedding? Or you and dd not go?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz IF and it's a big If i can get the day off I'll be there, my work may well refuse it due to the timing as there is likely to be members of my department off settling their own DC into school and we can only have so many off at once.

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Ponderingwindow · 03/03/2023 18:47

First week of middle school for a child struggling with the transition, I would be telling off my brother for being a jerk and scheduling a wedding he wants said child to attend at a time he knows that child is unavailable.

i would attend the wedding myself, but send child to school. I have taken my child out of school on other occasions, but I would never do it in the first week at a new school, even if the transition was expected to be perfect.

AppleKatie · 03/03/2023 18:47

A week if dragging her to school re a lifetime of remembering she wasn’t allowed to attend such an important family occasion.

I know life is stressful but gently yabu.

Ponderingwindow · 03/03/2023 18:50

Took me some time to type…

he didn’t even make sure his own sibling would be available when he scheduled the wedding?

basic etiquette is to clear the date with must attend guests like siblings, not schedule it for a day where they have to hope they can get the time off.

Original poster

WeddingOfHis · 03/03/2023 18:51

AppleKatie · 03/03/2023 18:47

A week if dragging her to school re a lifetime of remembering she wasn’t allowed to attend such an important family occasion.

I know life is stressful but gently yabu.

@AppleKatie A week of me being late for work when I'm the only adult in the house? A week of being kicked, hit, bitten, screamed at, and told that she hates me because I let her have the day off for the wedding so why is today any different?

A day out of routine, so soon into starting a new one (which a change of school is) really isn't in her best interests.

If I felt I could do it right by her I'd homeschool and she'd be there, but I can't because I have to work to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies and pay for all those things she needs.

I love my brother and I so wish I could make this work but I don't see how I could. If it was a weekend day or a Friday even I might say yes to her going, but it's not it's slap bang in the middle of her first few days at a new school.

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Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 03/03/2023 18:52

As a parent of a child with SN and daily school refusal I totally get it! Simple answer is you know your child best and you know if you can sell it as an absolute 1 off event to her or not. Going from another angle could you big up the wedding as this huge awesome event that she only gets to attend as a treat if she goes to school without (too much) argument between now and then? That may help settle her into the routine of going although I appreciate there will then be a big break in the routine with the summer holidays. Either way you know best how this will impact your child and family life so it's your decision and your brother will have to accept it

PennyRa · 03/03/2023 18:53

This is an important cultural event for her. It only happens once and family is so important.

School is none of those things.

You have months to prepare her to minimise the impact of the difference of the day. I would feel like I owe it to my child to try if I were in your position.

DuvetDownn · 03/03/2023 18:54

He couldn’t have timed it worse.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 03/03/2023 18:58

Just my view OP but personally I’d keep her in school. My DD1 also has special needs (autism) and routine is important.

AppleKatie · 03/03/2023 18:59

🤷‍♀️if you’ve made up your mind and it’s not acceptable to disagree with you why ask?

imo it’s really important to attend family occasions like this and it’s also really really important to teach her that things WILL disrupt her routines because that is a fact of life- and she won’t like it, it will be difficult and that’s not fair but it’s still necessary.

also you say you take her out for hospital appts so it is a question of priorities. For me my brothers wedding would trump a single hospital appointment.

You obviously disagree that’s your right but given you’ve asked on here - is there no doubt in your mind?

Original poster

WeddingOfHis · 03/03/2023 19:02

AppleKatie · 03/03/2023 18:59

🤷‍♀️if you’ve made up your mind and it’s not acceptable to disagree with you why ask?

imo it’s really important to attend family occasions like this and it’s also really really important to teach her that things WILL disrupt her routines because that is a fact of life- and she won’t like it, it will be difficult and that’s not fair but it’s still necessary.

also you say you take her out for hospital appts so it is a question of priorities. For me my brothers wedding would trump a single hospital appointment.

You obviously disagree that’s your right but given you’ve asked on here - is there no doubt in your mind?

@AppleKatie I was asking if I was UR to not take her out. There's also a chance I won't be there either because of work - I would not be telling DD about the wedding until it was confirmed I'd be there, if I'm not going to be there I wouldn't be telling her anyway.

And if I'm going to be there I may not know until closer to the time as it can take months for rotas to be sorted out.

I want her to be there, I just don't know how practical it's going to be. I am upset as I really wanted DD there but the chances are she won't be.

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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/03/2023 19:05

I think you've not helped yourself by in the opening post just saying dd has "some SN" which to many posters may mean "light SN". I took it that way.

However your description further down shows much more significant SN. Therefore you may well have a point.

I appreciate I may have incorrectly misinterpreted "some SEN" as "light/mild SEN"

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/03/2023 19:06

And if I'm going to be there I may not know until closer to the time as it can take months for rotas to be sorted out

Just book an annual leave day on your next day in work surely?

Original poster

WeddingOfHis · 03/03/2023 19:07

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/03/2023 19:05

I think you've not helped yourself by in the opening post just saying dd has "some SN" which to many posters may mean "light SN". I took it that way.

However your description further down shows much more significant SN. Therefore you may well have a point.

I appreciate I may have incorrectly misinterpreted "some SEN" as "light/mild SEN"

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I didn't want to go into details as it's not my place but it's not ASD but other conditions that cause processing and language delays. She also has a mobility issue (hence the hospital appointments).

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Zippidydoda · 03/03/2023 19:09

WeddingOfHis · 03/03/2023 18:51

@AppleKatie A week of me being late for work when I'm the only adult in the house? A week of being kicked, hit, bitten, screamed at, and told that she hates me because I let her have the day off for the wedding so why is today any different?

A day out of routine, so soon into starting a new one (which a change of school is) really isn't in her best interests.

If I felt I could do it right by her I'd homeschool and she'd be there, but I can't because I have to work to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies and pay for all those things she needs.

I love my brother and I so wish I could make this work but I don't see how I could. If it was a weekend day or a Friday even I might say yes to her going, but it's not it's slap bang in the middle of her first few days at a new school.

Show quote history

If you think it’ll have a huge detrimental effect on her then of course don’t do it. However isn’t learning to deal with difference in routine part of learning too. Eg you’ll be off school for something big like a wedding, but not just because you don’t want to go to school.

I can’t blame you for keeping her in school if the result of being of is hitting and screaming. Is there a way to be proactive to reduce the impact (eg make a plan with school or build that into her transition into school? Or do you not think that’s possible