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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not take my DD out of school for a wedding?

73 replies

WeddingOfHis · 03/03/2023 18:36

3 tier system where we are so as of September DD will be in Year 5 at middle school.

My brother gets married in the 2nd week of September on a weekday, so my DD will have been in school at most 5 days when they get married.

DD has some SN and absolutely hates school. Any reason to not go she’ll jump at it. She is already having transition to Middle School due to her SN (we know where she’s going due to EHCP) and is hating it. I have enough trouble getting her to school as it is, a day off so soon into starting will not only upset the new routine but could easily set in her mind that she doesn’t have to go.

My brothers insisting that he’ll pay any fines for her not going and asking me to discuss it with her current school and the Middle School. He thinks “just one day off” will be fine.

It’s in the middle of the day so no way round taking her out for half a day or anything.

AIBU to refuse to take my DD out of school for the wedding?

OP posts:

Bamboux · 03/03/2023 20:31

PennyRa · 03/03/2023 20:08

It's an ongoing thing for at least a month

Show quote history

And?

This is in the first week of term. Every word of my post still stands.

fruitypancake · 03/03/2023 20:38

Of course you should take her to the wedding .

Emptycrackedcup · 03/03/2023 20:39

I'd take her (especially as she will have just started, so no big deal)

BlibBlabBlob · 03/03/2023 20:49

Only you know what is best for your daughter. Do whatever that is - which sounds like consistent attendance at school in the first week at a brand new school. No matter how much pre-transition support she's had.

Not quite the same but my DD had awful problems at school and eventually burned out in Year 6 and could no longer attend (unmet needs at school, over many years, due to SEN). Had extra transition support for Year 7 and new school. Went in for taster day in July OK. Went for Day 1 in September OK. Was wobbly on Day 2 but got in. Couldn't attend on Day 3, because of a particular issue causing anxiety that school could have resolved but chose not to. Never attended a full day of school again and is now going through the EHCP process but is likely to end up home educated. She herself says that, having missed a whole day in the first week, her anxiety got even worse and she couldn't attend the following day.

So for those saying 'it's just one day', 'it's your brother's wedding FFS' and so on... please try to remember that this isn't an average kid missing a random day at school. It could cause a permanent decline in the child's ability to attend and if OP feels that continued attendance at school is in her daughter's best interests then she needs to be super careful not to deliberately throw a spanner in the works.

Plus of course, as others have said, what kind of idiot books their wedding for a weekday in September and then expects their niece - with SEN and who's just started at a new school - to attend without question? And doesn't even check with their beloved sister that they might actually be able to attend? A wedding invite is an INVITATION, not a court summons. Declining politely and regretfully is absolutely acceptable.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 03/03/2023 21:16

It's up to you completely. Your brother has booked a mid week wedding in September presumably because its cheaper than a Saturday or the school holidays. He needs to accept that some people won't make it and if he'd really wanted you and your DD there he would have thought this through. Presumably you will have had a fair amount of annual leave in the preceeding 6 week holiday, which he would have realised if he had given it any thought.

If going to this wedding doesn't work for you and your DD then don't go. There's more to life than being in a few wedding snaps. I wouldn't feel guilty for not going.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 03/03/2023 21:22

Bamboux · 03/03/2023 20:03

Your brother doesn't give a shit about your daughter's education (a real thing), so why would you give a shit about his narcissistic wankfest of a wedding (not a real thing)?

@Bamboux said it better though!

maddy68 · 03/03/2023 21:43

She will be allowed time off for her uncles wedding. You are being way to sensitive

SimplySipping · 04/03/2023 01:17

I totally get you wanting not to mess with her routine and settling.

However she will probably find out about the wedding, and having to go to school when everyone else in the family (including maybe you?) have the day off for it is going to result in some distress too. It also might make her resent school even more.

Either way is going to be hard but I think I'd err on the side of taking her out for it. Maybe get her into school in the morning even, and collect her at break time. It's not going to help her settle at her new school knowing everyone else has been attending a social event while she's been stuck there.

TheSmallAssassin · 04/03/2023 01:45

AppleKatie · 03/03/2023 18:47

A week if dragging her to school re a lifetime of remembering she wasn’t allowed to attend such an important family occasion.

I know life is stressful but gently yabu.

A lifetime of remembering your uncle's wedding when you were 11? I really don't think this is going to be a massive detriment in the grand scheme of things.

SecretSong · 04/03/2023 02:42

Based on everything you have described, I think keeping her in school has to take priority. If he’s reasonable and cares about you both, he’ll understand.

Emptycrackedcup · 04/03/2023 03:54

TheSmallAssassin · 04/03/2023 01:45

A lifetime of remembering your uncle's wedding when you were 11? I really don't think this is going to be a massive detriment in the grand scheme of things.

Show quote history

Don't you remember being a kid? My cousin and I still talk about a wedding we went to (back in the 80s where the wedding cake had a waterfountain 😆). I remember weddings and other events from childhood, school not so much

TheSmallAssassin · 04/03/2023 17:36

Emptycrackedcup · 04/03/2023 03:54

Show quote history

Remember? Yes. Making a material difference to the enjoyment of my life in the next forty to fifty years? No.

MooseBreath · 04/03/2023 19:36

Bamboux · 03/03/2023 20:30

Teenagers don't give a toss about being 'involved in important family events', by the way.

Show quote history

I did. Obviously I don't know OP's daughter, but if she is just as close with her uncle as she is with her father, then I would guess that she will want to be there.

Mulhollandmagoo · 04/03/2023 20:23

If you really want her to go, could you delay her starting school by a week? Then she goes to the wedding and starts school the following Monday?

You know your child and your situation better than any of us, so only you know the answer

Napmum · 04/03/2023 20:23

Considering how disruptive this sounds like it is for your DD. I would say you are not being unreasonable if you do not go.

You'll need to explain this to your brother, and he might not like it. But you have to put her needs and your sanity first.

If it sounds like your brother does not understand how disruptive it would be but that is his issue. He chose to have the wedding when he did. It is unfortunate, but what can you do?

However, if you think you can make it work. Then go.

JMSA · 04/03/2023 20:27

You can't miss your brother's wedding, surely? Didn't you book the day off work when you got the invitation.
I do totally understand your concerns about your daughter though

Original poster

WeddingOfHis · 04/03/2023 20:34

JMSA · 04/03/2023 20:27

You can't miss your brother's wedding, surely? Didn't you book the day off work when you got the invitation.
I do totally understand your concerns about your daughter though

@JMSA Invititation only came out during half term (w/c 20th was half term) and I was off work on AL during Half Term so have only just been able to apply for time off work, my request is still in my managers office or was yesterday when I posted this.

OP posts:

HowcanIhelp123 · 04/03/2023 22:53

Tricky. If she finds out she missed the wedding because she has to go to school, she'll blame school and hate school more. Alternatively disrupting the routine as you said could set her back. I think you're lose lose here OP. Pick the lesser of 2 evils based on what you think is best.

MySugarBabyLove · 04/03/2023 23:01

It’s only a wedding.

TBH if it was that important to your brother that people be there then he wouldn’t have organised it for a day in the middle of the week when all and sundry have to take holiday/take their kids out of school etc.

It’s his day and his prerogative to arrange it mid week. But he needs to realise that doing that has consequences and means probably quite a few people won’t be able to or simply won’t go.

Your brother could have organised his wedding any day. School can’t be rearranged to suit him, and as your DD is so unsettled then school wins every time.

If he’s that close to her then he should understand that.

piedbeauty · 04/03/2023 23:14

Your brother should have been more organised. Sending invitations so late will mean that some people won't be able to attend.

ArCost · 04/03/2023 23:24

YANBU. I have an SEN child and this would disrupt him for weeks, if not months.

quietnightmare · 04/03/2023 23:31

You are overthinking

Let her go to the wedding

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 04/03/2023 23:47

Only you know your dd. I would consider dropping her off but picking her up at breaktime if that would work with the timings. She then is in the routine still of going to school every day.

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